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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Finding out the sex at the scan - why not?

102 replies

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 16/08/2011 18:58

So we have the big anomaly scan soon. I want to find out, DH doesn't. As the first joint parenting decision we make I don't want to just ride roughshod over him, even though he has indicated that he would be willing to reconsider, so I'm making up a pros/cons list for myself.

I have 8 reasons why we should find out, but only 2 on the why not and one of them is the (imho) completely lame "so we get a surprise on the day" - as if being a parent suddenly isn't enough of a friggin' surprise.

So help me make a balanced decision here - what are good reasons not to find out, other than the above and the fact that the scan may not be 100% reliable?

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Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 17/08/2011 12:11

I did take it into consideration, hence why I was trying to have a rational discussion with him about it. If he would rather go with my preference than even discuss it, it kind of indicates that he doesn't feel that strongly about it, doesn't it? I wasn't asking what you thought about our situation, I just wanted to know what reasons people might have for not finding out.

TBH I'm pretty fed up to have a stranger judging what I want just because it's different what you wanted.

OP posts:

Crosshair · 17/08/2011 12:11

Hopefully finding out tomorrow, if everything is well. I don't understand why you would'nt find out. I guess everyones different.

Crosshair · 17/08/2011 12:13

Hope you have a great scan btw and a healthy baby!

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 17/08/2011 12:17

Thank you.

OP posts:

Catsycat · 17/08/2011 12:17

Don't worry MakesCakes! I don't think you browbeat him - if you had decided not to find out, would that mean he had browbeaten you???? [sceptical]. If a couple don't agree immediately on any issue, it seems sensible to discuss the pros and cons and come to some sort of concensus or compromise - seems this is what you did. Good for you!

I think there is room in the world for finders-out and wait-for-a-surprisers. Just because we are not in RL doesn't mean we should rubbish others opinions just because they are not the same as ours!

purpleflower123 · 17/08/2011 12:20

We didn't find out for DS or DD.

I was convinced DD was going to be another boy and if I had found out at 20 weeks I would've been disappointed. By not finding out I have never felt that, the emotion and love I felt as soon as she was born stopped that and I've always loved her for her.

Both times DH has told me the sex of the baby, it's been such a lovely feeling and gave him something really special, I'd felt the first kicks, labour etc and he got something too.

I'm 22 weeks pg with number 3 at the moment and we are toying with the idea of finding out. Our hospital doesn't offer sexing at the 20 week scan so we need to go private at around £80. DH wants to have everything ready and prepared as babys due christmas week. I'm still hesitating though.

I'd prefer not to, I wouldn't change not knowing with my first 2, it was such a wonderful experience. The suspense is great :)

hawthers · 17/08/2011 12:29

We didn't find out with dc1 and won't find out this time either. I don't want to be depressing but we had complications which meant that there were different survival rates for boys and girls. Overall situation was too upsetting without knowing that our lo had a worse chance of a good outcome based on the sex.

All turned out ok (eventually) so it all comes down to personal preference I think. If you want to - do it!

redheadbedhead · 17/08/2011 12:36

hey cakes
ignore stupid people who don't know how to have a civilised conversation!

We are going to find out at the next scan because we couldn't see any point in not - I want to get to know it a bit more, and also we are seriously struggling with girls names, so I need a heads up so we can really make a decision if we need to!!

but now reading this thread makes me think I might regret not having a suprise...or what if they say the wrong sex..... getting confused now!! does that help you at all

lovemybabyboy · 17/08/2011 12:38

With DS we found out at the sex at the scan, we had agreed that we would find out but about a week before my DH changed his mind but I ended up having my way and finding out, It was good to be able to pick his name...we had loads of girl names but no boy names so gave us a chance to just look at boys names...also we could buy a few boyish items...some outfits and blankets but most of our babygros were neutral hand-me-downs!

I am now 30+4 with DC2 and we decided not to find out the sex this time....I let DH have it his way this time! Its not really bothering me that I dont know, I had a mmc last year so the sex really is not important....I just want a live, healthy baby to arrive in 10 weeks!

The only problem with not finding out is again we have a girls name but cannot decide on a boys name...if we knew the sex we could focus on one gender. Also, when buying things for baby there seems to be an awful lot of boy and girls clothes but hardly any choice for gender neutral clothes!

I am convinced I am having a boy anyway.....no reason for this...have just convinced myself its another boy!

supadupapupascupa · 17/08/2011 12:52

I'm not waiting, absolutely no way!!
I have no idea what the 'surprise' is?? You give birth, are in shock, and have a gorgeous baby. It doesn't matter what sex it is at that moment.

I wanna know asap. There is something really nice about picturing your boy/girl complete with name whilst still inside you. It was for me, a different kind of bonding and I loved it with DS.

Also, I deep down wanted a girl, and I WAS disappointed when I found out for a couple of hours. Better to get that off your chest at 20wks than at the birth.

benne81 · 17/08/2011 13:04

Sorry I really didn't mean to upset you. Obviously different people have completely different feelings on it - just wanted to make sure that you weren't completely overriding your DH as I know I would personally feel a bit cheated knowing before the big day (but like you say that is just me!). Maybe I read it wrong. At the end of the day whatever you decide together its your decision and who cares 'cliche' but as long as its healthy and all that.

All the best for the scan

MrsMilton · 17/08/2011 13:17

People always say they don't want to spoil the surprise - but why is it any less of a surprise to find out at 20 wks than at 40? There's enough going on on the day, you don't really need the surprise of the sex being revealed to make it an occasion, surely? Finding out early means you can enjoy that news and celebrate it. On the day of the birth, the gender suddenly seems irrelevant, you are just so bloody shocked to have any sort of child at all!

sleepywombat · 17/08/2011 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 17/08/2011 13:34

Thank you Benne - I appreciate that. I guess I was just feeling a bit sensitive. The health thing is the biggest worry to me and that's kind of tied up with gender for me (family history I don't want to get into).

OP posts:

scarletfingernail · 17/08/2011 13:39

I didn't find out with DS and I wouldn't next time either.

I loved hearing for the first time that I had a son as he was being handed over to me.

I guess if you have a preference then it could help to know earlier so you can get over any feelings of disappointment before the birth. Personally I didn't have a preference and I don't for my next DC either. I loved the surprise and then making the phone calls telling friends and family it's a boy, he's here, this is his name etc.

Wants3 · 17/08/2011 17:00

I found out with ds2 so we knew if we needed different clothes- we didn't . We did not tell anyone else though! I am in two minds about finding out this time cos there has been a long time so we have no hand me downs. Also I know it will be my last so a surprise would be nice!

breatheslowly · 17/08/2011 19:48

When we didn't find out we got various "Oh, well done, I think it is better not to find out" and I did wonder what these people say to those who do find out.

HillyMcGrew · 17/08/2011 20:21

At first we definitely wanted to know but couldn't say why. I wonder if it has something to do with having information on tap these days: no information is further than a few clicks away, nothing is mysterious anymore. We chose not to find out because we wanted the surprise (plus we knew various of our families would shower it in frills for a girl, sailor suits for a boy). At the 20wk scan we held firm and said 'no thanks' when asked if we wanted to know. The sonographer was surprised as apparently most people do now ask to know.

What I can now enjoy is knowing that I have no chance of finding out until B-Day in another 15 weeks. I can stroke my bump (which has a name of its own) and talk to it as my baby, and when it is born it will become my son/daughter. I feel that my baby is forming its personality now as it wriggles and kicks away, and I don't know if I could name it now even if I knew the gender because 15 weeks is a long time and it might not 'fit' when it is born. For me this curiosity is part of the transition from expectant mother (and father) to parenthood. It feels like Christmas Eve when I was six.

Cutelittlecatlover · 17/08/2011 20:34

We found out by accident last time and I was gutted because I'd so been looking forward to having a surprise at the end! This time dh wants to find out and I don't so I guess we'll need to have a proper discussion nearer the time.

Catsycat · 17/08/2011 20:42

My friend said she had no choice but to find out on her scan. Apparently DS was so well endowed, kind of sitting there brandishing what he'd got, that there was no mystery at all. Her DH was sooooo proud!!!!!

carpetlover · 17/08/2011 20:50

I think it's a completely irrational decision so no real point in making a for and against list as you either really want to know or really don't. We didn't find out with DS or DD1 but did with our 3rd (DD2). I'm currently pregnant with No4 and we haven't found out this time.

Tbh, I hated knowing. It made the whole second half a bit of an anti-climax. Obviously I was delighted when she was born and I love her to bits but it took something away from the pregnancy-something I'd had with the first two. I don't think you need to know to get used to it not being what you wanted/expected. I think you're far more likely to suffer gender disappointment after the scan than you are when they actually arrive as your only concern then is that they're safe and well. I'm due in a couple of weeks and not knowing is just adding to the excitement.

Good luck whatever you decide.

mumwithdice · 17/08/2011 20:57

Forgive my lentil-weavery, but DH and I didn't find out so that ?DH could be the one to tell me what we had, It was lovely to have DH's voice through the haze of pain tell me we had a daughter.

LBsBongers · 17/08/2011 21:02

Not finding out is good because;

The surprise is the only good thing about the whole giving birth thing

You don't buy loads of blue of pink crap that you really don't need

You don't start assigning you unborn child a personally before they are here

LBsBongers · 17/08/2011 21:03

Personality

wompoopigeon · 17/08/2011 21:10

Finding out definitely helped me bond with my DD in the womb, especially during a painful pregnancy that seemed to go on and on and on (SPD). And it took nothing away from the amazingness of her birth.

It's a personal decision I think.

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