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Ideal Gap Between Children

189 replies

rosalux · 03/08/2011 10:54

A friend of mine has just announced her second pregnancy and is due in early Feb. She currently has a DD who is 13 months. Similarly my cousin has two DD who are almost exactly 2 years apart. I am expecting my first this month and was just idly wondering what people thought was a good gap to have between children. Is it best to get all the sleepless nights out of the way in one go or do kids of slightly bigger gaps get along better? All being well I'd hope to have another reasonably soon, just not sure how soon.

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Olivesandfeta · 20/08/2011 23:28

Hmm... I have 5 children with age gaps ranging from 11 months to 6 years. All have their pros and cons, I personally enjoyed the 5 year age gap between dd2 and dd3 as the eldest 2 were at school and I had a lot of time to give the new baby.

Trouble is that I then had another big age gap of almost 7 years before I had dd3 (and dd4 11m later). This has meant dd2 is very much a middle child although as she is getting older it seems less significant as she and her elder sister can do things together and she is loving being a big sister and not being the youngest any more!

I like having to do the school run and activities with the babies, it makes it easier to get into a routine even if it's difficult at times. I love the way mine have worked out, the younger ones learn from the older ones and the older ones enjoy the innocence having babies around brings. Especially when they are teenagers, the babies bring out the best in us all I think.

ZhenXiang · 20/08/2011 23:39

My minimum gap was based on DD sleeping through the night (exceptions for illness etc...), once we had cracked that we tried for #2. DD will be 2.9 when he/she arrives.

CheerfulYank · 21/08/2011 06:10

I wanted 3 or 4 dcs all within about a 1.5 year gap in between...and now here I am with one DS who's 4. We are going to begin trying for #2 soon, I hope! :) I can't wait to have another.

So hopefully a gap of 5 years or so is right for us... :)

msshapelybottom · 21/08/2011 09:14

I have 3 kids, 2.5 years between the youngest and eldest. My youngest is now about to start school and they are a year behind each other in primary. They get on very well and are pretty close, although they fight like cat and dog sometimes often too!

Now that they are a bit bigger I am glad that they are so close in age, but I thought I would go quite mad when they were little from the sheer monotony & exhaustion of having so many babies/toddlers at one time Grin At times, I really thought I would go stone mad!!

My body went to pot when I was expecting for the 3rd time (which was 2 months after I gave birth) so from that pov, I think having them very close together probably isn't ideal!

In retrospect, I think 18 months - 2 years is a nice gap. Gives your body a chance to recover in between pregnancies too it's not too much of a shock to have a newborn again!

GeorgeEliot · 21/08/2011 09:19

If you want the children to be friends and play well together when they are a bit older then 2.5 to 3 years is about right - they will still enjoy each others company, but it's enough space for them to be independent too. IME an age gap of 4 years means they'll never want to play with each other when they are older.

DumSpiroSpero · 21/08/2011 10:52

I think it depends on you and what your first experience of pregnancy/motherhood is like. Mine was not great and for various reasons we aren't having any more but we had initially said we'd go for three years. MIL suggested having two very close together and at the time I thought she was mad but if I could do it all again (without 9 months of 24/7 sickness, a baby with raging colic and PND), I'd be inclined to go for a smaller gap.

The friends I know with a small age gap seem to have kids that get on really well. There is a 2 yr age gap between my DH and his younger brother and they have never got on. I think at 2 you run a risk that they know the attention is going elsewhere but don't always understand why which can cause problems. A smaller gap and the older child is not so aware, a bigger gap and they have more understanding of what's going on, although I'm sure it works for lots of people.

CheerfulYank · 21/08/2011 16:22

Like I said before, I wanted a small gap, but now that I'm looking at a 5 year space between DC (possibly more if it takes me awhile to conceive) I can see the advantages. And I think that, for instance, a 3 year old and 8 year old can play together, though they maybe wouldn't be confidantes until they were older.

My brother and I were three years apart and fought constantly. We still do, actually. I think at that age he was old enough to remember a time without me but not old enough to understand that the baby needed extra attention sometimes, etc.

There are pros and cons to any gap, I suppose. :)

PrincessScrumpy · 21/08/2011 20:21

We planned 3.5year gap. By the time I return to work after mat leave, dd1 will be at school and dc2 would be in nursery and it would be affordable. Plus dd1 is much easier to care for at 3 - will take herself to the loo, sleeps all night, talks propery, can strap herself into 5 point harness etc. However, 2nd pg is twins so all our planning was rather pointless! Mind you, 3 babies would have been terrifying for me so2 babies and a very good 3yo will definitely keep us busy. Can't imagine being pg while caring for a baby - though many of my friends have done this.

PrincessScrumpy · 21/08/2011 20:23

I think children getting on is far more about their individual personalities than the age gap.

maxpower · 21/08/2011 20:49

I would echo others who have said you can't always 'plan' the age gap between your DCs as nature has a way of doing it's own thing. I have a slightly larger age gap (4.5yrs) between my two than I had originally hoped for, but in practice, it's working really well. DS was born 2 weeks before DD started reception. As a result, DD got loads of attention and had something special that was all about her just at the time that DS arrived. I am able to spend large chunks of time with DS one-to-one (just like I did with DD) so it feels as if he's getting lots of attention. In hindsight, I think DD would have struggled to adjust to having sibling when she was younger, due to the amount of attention she needed/demands and being younger, she might not have been able to really appreciate why I can't be at her beckon call. The other advantages are that I've been on mat leave so I've been able to do the school runs, make friends with the other mums at school (useful for so many reasons!) and we haven't had to pay for childcare while I've not been bringing home my normal salary.

ratflavouredjelly · 21/08/2011 21:57

hmmm - I've just been moaning about how hard a 21 month gap can be at times. I was preggy when DS was 13 months. But, I did plan it meticulously and was delighted to have a DD and a DS, so know i'm very lucky to experience a boy and a girl. It makes me feel crappy for complaining about being stretched. but, when they're both small, they compete for attention and need you so much that it can get tricky.

I find my older DS (4) more sensitive and prone to tantrums whilst my DD (2.5) is more chilled and secure in her own skin and tends to get on with stuff more. It's like my DD is the oldest and my DS is the youngest IYSWIM Confused

sherbetpips · 22/08/2011 08:59

Long enough for the previous child to be out of nappies. I also agree that it's nice to have one starting school when you have your second so you can have special time with both.

sherbetpips · 22/08/2011 09:02

Also find it amusing when people have them close together so they will be friends - haven't you ever seen siblings fight! A four year gap also means the eldest (if a girl) is a useful Childcare assistant...

Scholes34 · 22/08/2011 12:46

Had three under 3.5 years - age gap of 18 months between DC1 and DC2 was hard work, the two year gap between DC2 and DC3 was much easier. All three get on extremely well (two DSs and one DD) and with the oldest now 14, it's still possible to find activities to suit all three on holiday. They have busy lives with their own friends and particularly enjoy being together on a family holiday when there's just the three of them (and they do rather close ranks and aren't open to "making friends" on holiday). The two school year gap between each of them seems to be par for the course where we live and having three children seems to be the norm. We've just had the two oldest away camping together, and DH and I were rather freaked out about having one child at home on his own to entertain. Fortunately, he was invited to stay at his grandparents and spent a week with his cousin for company and enjoyed being the oldest for once.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/08/2011 13:09

"A four year gap also means the eldest (if a girl) is a useful Childcare assistant..."

Shock
backtoblighty · 22/08/2011 13:35

I originally aimed for a 3 year gap, but miscarried, then had fertility problems. Happily tho, we now have a 5 month old and there is 8 Years between him and my DD. I have to say, even tho we didn't plan it that way, the age gap is absolutely FANTASTIC! DD dotes on DS, isn't jealous at all, as she has her own interests and social life. Baby gets all my attention while DD is at school.
Not many people would plan it this way but it works really well.

oohlaalaa · 22/08/2011 14:48

In my opinion 3 years is best, but it is whatever works for you.

A good friend had her two children fifteen months apart, and another had her two children nine years apart (with the same father, the first was unplanned at 20 years old, and the second was once she'd finished uni, and both she and her husband had good jobs, and a mortgage).

MrsJamin · 22/08/2011 14:50

It depends what's important to you, as is obvious from previous posts. Think about what you would prioritise from this list:

  • you want time with just the baby (older child in preschool / school)
  • you want siblings to be friends during childhood
  • you want the ease of occupying both with the same activity
  • you want the independence of the elder sibling to either not need so much help themselves, or help you with the baby
  • you want to get the nappy stage out of the way ASAP
  • you only want to pay for one set of childcare while you're at work

For me, the age gap of 25 months has been really tricky, as your eldest is still really needy and doesn't qualify for free childcare. However I'm hoping to reap rewards as they get older.

JanMorrow · 22/08/2011 17:14

there's three years between my older brother and me, and me and my younger sister.. I think growing up that was a pretty good age gap really! But saying that, my brother and sister do get on really well and there's a 6 year age gap..

piellabakewell · 22/08/2011 19:36

There's 2.5 years between me and my sister, two years between her daughters and also 2 years 1 month between my daughters. However, mine are three school years apart because DD1 is August and DD2 October! They get along pretty well, most of the time. If I hadn't miscarried I'd have had the second child when DD1 was only 18m.

DD1 has been at boarding school for last three years so in term time it's like having an only child anyway! However, I'm very close to both of them and I make sure I get opportunities to spend time with DD1 on her own too.

HeifferunderConstruction · 22/08/2011 19:48

I think 2,3 years is good

ChildOfThe1980s · 22/08/2011 21:00

Kanayo, my brother and I are 3.5 years apart and I don't think I ever felt jealous of him. I loved having a baby brother and felt quite maternal with him. I did enjoy bossing him around too, lol.

This may be because I have a sister only 12 months older than me, so I was always used to sharing. Anyway, my brother and I still get on very well, possibly because our personalities are similar.

rushelle · 22/08/2011 21:10

I have an 18 year 4 month gap between my ds and dd. Works perfectly for me, I always said I could only cope with one child at once.
Ds adores the lo and can't do enough for her, although it's made him realise what hard work babies are and he's in no rush to have any of his own.

CDMforever · 22/08/2011 21:31

I have a 9 year gap betwee DS1 and 2 LOs who have a 22month between them.

The nine year gap is VERY difficult for us. DS has no interest in the LOs and finding things we can all do is tricky.

The 22 month gap btw LOs has its pros and cons.

Cons are that they are both very demanding and, both being v young ( 3 and 4 yo) don't tend to understand when I want to give one attention, or how to turntake.

Pros are that they will be going to school in quick succession which, for me personally, is a good thing!

MeMySonAndI · 22/08/2011 22:02

I only have one child, but from the point of view of a sibling... I have a sibling who is one year older and another one that is 3 years younger.

If I had had more children I would have had them in quick succession, my oldest sibling and I were more or less in the same kind of stuff, shared friends, and often were doing similar things, with my younger sibling was as if there was another world out there... the gap didn't close properly until we were in university.