Ideal Gap Between Children

[rosalux]

A friend of mine has just announced her second pregnancy and is due in early Feb. She currently has a DD who is 13 months. Similarly my cousin has two DD who are almost exactly 2 years apart. I am expecting my first this month and was just idly wondering what people thought was a good gap to have between children. Is it best to get all the sleepless nights out of the way in one go or do kids of slightly bigger gaps get along better? All being well I'd hope to have another reasonably soon, just not sure how soon.

DD1/DD2 are twins (8 yrs 5 months old)...
then 4 yr gap to DD3 (4 yrs 4 months old)
then 2 yr 10 month gap to DD4 (18 months old)
then 16.5 months to DD5 (1 month 8 days old).

It all seems work out alright. Just go with it. We didn't plan any of ours as we had been told we'd never have our own children but surprise, surprise...they keep coming! (No more now though!) There were 4 yrs between me and my sister and we hated each other so I never wanted a 4yr age gap but I didn't get a choice in the end. I really think it all depends on their personalities and how you 'manage' each individual child whilst balancing them all so that conflicts don't arise or negative feelings fester in the near and far future.

I think 2 years difference is ideal. The children will be close together and will occupy each other when you need half an hour to put something in the pan to cook and then you will have lots of time to spend together! For everything you are asking OP I am answering YES. After 9 months the other child will be 9 months older so so different! Mine all have 2 years gaps. The 2 older especially play together all the time and the younger listens attentively when I read stories for older children to his elder brother. They can also follow what the elder sibling learns e.g. foreign words which they practice, or times tables etc

Moreover I would consider getting all the sleepeless nights out of the way soon and the children growing quickly important if you want to take them out or on holidays so they can both feed themselves and be a bit grown uo quicker. Imagine if you have an 8 year old and an 1 year old and you are visiting the museum while the 1 year old will feel sleepy and might start to cry because s/he want them afternoon nap.

If i'd started on the whole kids thing earlier, I'd have loved to have done two lots of two, so 2 close together in my twenties (say 18 months apart) then another two with a similar age gap when the first two were 10 or so. company for each other, benefits of a babysitter second time round. as it is, I can highly recommend the 16-18 month age gap - hard hard hard work for the first year then downhill all the way

Ninani: we had that very situation with the 8 yr olds and the 1 yr old (with a 4 yr old and an 1 month old too!) just last week at the Castle Museum in York. It was fine. Our 1 yr old was too interested in what her sisters were looking at and doing to sleep so she just adjusted her nap time to the car journey home. It all balances out ok as long as you have an attitude of 'I can handle this' along with plenty of calm and patience. It also good that the older girls can help out a little (fetching and carrying nappies, clothes, holding a baby when the 18 month old needs changing/face wiping etc.) and that has given them a real sense of grown-up responsibility and made them feel really good about themselves, especially this summer holiday.

Grubbalo - your comment "I would say the ideal gap is the gap you actually end up with (helpful, I know)...!!" is perfect :)

we have just started trying for number 2 baby and i have been really panicking about them being between 2 - 2.5 yrs apart because i didn't want a 3 yr school gap - but the simplicity of your comment just made me think - "hang on, this is my family and however it turns out it will be just that - MY family" so am going to give myself a break and enjoy trying for number 2 rather than stressing about achieving the 'perfect' age gap.

Thanks Grubbalo! :)

I have 4 children, ages - nearly 13 dd, 9 ds, 5 dd and 4.5 months dd. Their age gaps are 3yrs 10 months, 3 years 9 mths, and 5 years. I think these gaps are too big even though I had no choice on the first gap - illness forced us to wait before ttc child no.2. I think 3 yrs would be best but don't really know as I don't have experience. It took a long time before dd1 and ds started to really play together but they're still not really close. dd1 and dd2 are 7.5 years apart so they don't play together much.

I have 2 sisters and I'm closer to the youngest, 5 yr age gap, than to the middle one, 11 months apart.

Trying to find something for them all to enjoy is beginning to get harder now.

Fifteen months between my two and too be honest that was a bigger gap than I initially wanted, hard work for the first six months but you are used to the sleepless nights, DD1 had forgotten within a week that there was ever a time when she didn't have a little sister and now at 4 and 3 they play brilliantly together - still have the odd argument over sharing of toys but both being girls are into the same thing at the same time, making it much easier to find days out that will keep them both entertained, something a friend of mine with a DS 11 and a DD 4 finds a problem.

dipsy and DrKool, do u have any tips for managing the 15month age gap? When my new baby is here, my son will be 15 months, and I'm shitting it! (sorry for the hijack)

I suppose it depends on whether you are looking a right for the parents or the children, I think big or small gaps have advantages and disadvantages for both camps.

I wanted my children as close in age as possible, I had three under three. They are ages 3, 4 and 5 now, and I think it perfect, I wouldn't like them to be more spread out in age as they all play so well together and are such good company for each other.

My dearest wish for my children is that they are close as adults, rightly or wrongly I believe being close in age was one of the only things I could do to try to engineer this, so far so good.

A friend of mine has a nine year old who often says that she is so glad that she doesn't have any brothers or sisters, so the right age gap could be infinity!

I have 4 years 5 months between me an my brother and we are best friends. We do everything together and hang around in the same group of friends. We go clubbing together most weeks and I definitely disagree that it is a bad gap. I love my relationship with my brother so much I have purposely replicated it for my 2 and am currently pregnant with the same gap!

Also I will add that most children who I know who are now adults are less close to siblings really close in age as they was more jealously and bickering between them as children which has gone on in to their adult relationships. I definitely agree with bonsoir.

I have a 5 and a bit gap between my two and it has worked really well (more accident than design though!). Bonsoir is right - having my daughter in reception for the final part of my pregnancy meant that I could really focus on my son when he eventually arrived without feeling guilty that I wasn't able to give my daughter all my attention. My mum and her sister have an 8 year gap (pre- and post-war babies!), and they are really close. There is almost exactly a 2 year gap between my brother and I so we had to have joint birthday parties which I hated, so glad my 2 have birthdays 3 months apart. Did I read harrygracejessica correctly - 2 sets of twins plus another one? The woman deserves a medal! (or a really nice holiday!)

Madmomma - the main thing that I always did especially for the first few months was if both children needed your attention was to concentrate on the eldest first, settle them and then deal with feeding / nappy of number 2, try to do it the other way round and DD1 would always feel that she came 'second' to her little sister. Also always have a big pile of favourite books on the sofa for when feeding baby so you can also give attention to the eldest at the same time. It'll be hard at first but at least you haven't been out of the baby stage for years and forgotten about the sleepless nights - I only had three weeks between DD1 sleeping through and DD2 being born so was easy to fall back into the habit of being a sleep deprived zombie :)

I have a six yr old DS and am now finally pregnant with baby number 2, I am not worried about the age gap at all as although I know my DS wont be able to play games with the new baby for a good 2 years or more, he is a caring lil boy and I am sure he will take an interest in the baby and hopefully be close to him/her growing up.
Although I never planned a huge gap, it should work out ok as I will have time with new baby whilst DS is at school so hopefully there wont be any jealously issues.

Butterflies, sounds like we will have a similar age gap, I am really looking forward to mornings waving dd off to school, then a nice day with baby then walking back to get her in the afternoon, knowing that I can have quality time with her when dp gets home to see to the baby. I like the fact that she doesn't need me so much now, she is in her little group of friends at school and has play time on the weekend and parties etc so she will not notice my time being halved so much. She is SO looking forward to a baby brother or sister!

I haven't read the whole thread, but our two are 21 months apart (now 7 and 9) and have so much in common that they play a lot (and argue ).

My own brother was almost 4 years older than I and we shared very little interests.

So imo having children closer together means they'll probably play together more and take part in activities together (e.g. on holidays) than having a larger age gap.

thanks dipsy - good advice. We're bloody gluttons for punishment!

changing2011 I cant wait, it will be fantastic walking DS to school having all day with new baby and then spending time with DS1 after school. My DS has become much more independant lately and will even sneak down to the kitchen to make his own cereal. Not encouraging this but at least I know he is wanting to be independant. Like you said he has his own friends and interests so am sure he isnt going to be jealous of new baby, if anything he will want to be hands on and helping.

Mine are 2y 2m apart. It was really, really, really hard at the beginning (DD1 very much a mummy's girl, didn't take to DD2 at all) but now they're 3 & 5 they get along brilliantly. The only thing is, DD1 potty trained late and DD2 is not yet using the potty so it has been FIVE YEARS of changing nappies without any break.

There's nearly 8 years between my Sons. I am exceptionally close to my eldest and was worried about the little one cramping his style, however I can't get a look in when he is with his baby brother! He adores him, and boy, am I relieved about that!

The best thing about a bigger age gap is that I have devoted nearly 8 full years to my eldest, all the big 'firsts' just us two. Now I have all day (when I am not working!) to spend with the babe so the big one doesn't feel too pushed out.

I hope they will be close when they grow, time will tell. x

If anything butterflies, my dd feels the odd one out as most of her friends have either baby or toddler siblings. She is looking forward to evening up the scores! I just keep thinking, spring baby, lovely walks home from school with the pram, it will be brill, and DD will have had a nice busy day and also her routine won't have changed a great deal. I want to keep change to a minimum for her, she has been my pfb for six years after all! Good luck to you x

I have a 3.5 year gap between mine and so far it's working out quite well (we're only three months in, so that could change!). DS1 is at nursery three days a week, has his own friends, interests, activities, can dress himself, is very chatty, confident, etc and dry both day and night. So I have three days a week when I can just focus on the baby and it's a really good balance. As to how well they'll get on - we'll see - but that's more about personalities than age gap IMO.

I agree it's got to the be the gap you've got, for better for for worse ... we only have one, but it's interesting that when we considering whether to try for another, I didn't want to even try until it would be at least a 3 year age gap, and DH thought it wasn't worth bothering unless the gap would be UNDER 3 years. Interesting because he's the younger sibling by 2 years and I'm the elder by 4 - I don't think either of us had consciously idealised our own age gaps, but it looks like we did!

i would say about two foot at all times: they can pass stuff to each other, but can't really reach to do much damage with fists or feet; it gives you a chance to pass between them in crowds, but you won't lose them.

17 months between my two and so far so good. Although considering mine and DH's track record for getting on with siblings with a small age gap (he is 13 months and mine is 18 months) may not bode well for the future.