Ideal Gap Between Children

[rosalux]

A friend of mine has just announced her second pregnancy and is due in early Feb. She currently has a DD who is 13 months. Similarly my cousin has two DD who are almost exactly 2 years apart. I am expecting my first this month and was just idly wondering what people thought was a good gap to have between children. Is it best to get all the sleepless nights out of the way in one go or do kids of slightly bigger gaps get along better? All being well I'd hope to have another reasonably soon, just not sure how soon.

There is almost exactly 3 years between mine and it worked like a dream. Old enough to 'help' but also enjoy his own time. Has been good through the school years too where they do not get in each others space but can come together as a team. Not always a picnic but then can never guarantee that! Now got one in college and one starting GCSEs. Wish I could take the credit for planning it

I had 4.4 years between mine and it was ideal.dc1 had me to himself when he was a baby and when he started school dd was just a few weeks old and not very interesting for him so I had days with the baby and was ready for the company of dc1 whwn he finished school.
Dd has 2.5 years between her 2 and they seem fine though it was hard at first.

I have 18 months between all of my 4. So I guess I can get a glimpse also of what it would be like as I have a 4.5 year gap between the oldest and the youngest and a 3 year gap between first and third and second and fourth as well as a 1 and a half year gap between each of them!

I'd say that the small year gaps are hell when they are babies & tots. A baby/tot combination is a hard one. At that stage, 3 years plus is ideal. However as they grow older it does get a lot easier. The ones closer in age fight a lot but also play a lot and the older ones look after the little ones so that's cute too.

I like the fact that the youngest is 2 and the oldest 6 and we can still all watch baby cartoons or go to soft play with no protests!!!

I have a 2 year gap
then a 3 year gap
then a four year gap

I enjoyed the 3 year gap the most.1 at school 1 at nursery and a new baby bliss' With the 4 year gap I really was at a new stage and had to regresss back to the baby stage. All my dc get on pretty well at the moment.Each brings something different.My 11 year old is amazing with our 2 year old.

Have fun

Going to put my washing on LOL!!!!!

I have just under 13 months between my two girls. I love it and don't regret having a small age gap one bit. My girls are great friends (they are 4.5 and 3.5 years old now) and they have the same interests and play with the same toys.

As other posters have mentioned, I think that all age gaps have advantages and disadvantages. One big disadvantage with my gap is that DD2's babyhood is a blur as I had so much going on with DD1 (i.e. learning to talk etc) that I can't really remember DD2 as a little baby. Other than that it is fantastic and I would definitely want a small gap if I had to do it all again.

We have a 20 month old daughter, and my stepson is 18!

Obviously they do not have the same relationship that 2 siblings close in age would have, but they truly love each other. DSS is really patient with DD and will play with her for ages, if she has been ill or he has been on holiday etc he will bring her little toys.

I agree that siblings are for life and not just for childhood. In spite of the huge gap, I really hope that they will always be there for each other in adulthood, have each other when we are gone etc.

There's 7 years between my sister and I, which I found lonely growing up but we have become much closer as adults. When dh was born, his ds was 5 and brother was 2;9. Close as kids, not in high school, close in university, very distant as adults. There's just no legislating, I think.

I have a 12 year old and a 4 month old. My life has panned out this way and I'm happy with it. The two are just not comparable so I don't even try to find things to suit both. I take DS2 to baby things while DS1 is at school or friends and then DH has him a bit at the weekend while I go to big kid things or just spend chill out time with DS1. We're going to the cinema tomorrow. Also DS1 is up later so we can play a game or whatever in the evenings. It is sometimes hard to fit both in as their needs are so different but we have to try. The good side is that a much older child requires less physical care and intense supervision. I can just send DS1 to have a shower or get his own juice and can't imagine having to attend to DS2 while stopping a toddler from hurting himself! Not sure what will happen when I go back to work and time is tighter but I guess we will find a pattern that works for us eventually. But if we want another we will have to wait a few years as we can't afford to lose my salary either to staying at home or 2 lots of nursery :(

I'm not sure closeness can be attributed to a narrow age gap as kids grow up. I know plenty of sblings with 2 year gaps who are not close at all, and 3year+ gaps where siblings are very close. Personality is a much bigger factor than age gap.

madmomma Like Dipsy said, in the early months I always concentrated on the eldest first. Once DD1 was entertained or fed or whatever I then had time to sit and breastfeed DD2 or give her a bath etc, otherwise DD1 would be whinging the whole time and then you feel so torn. It sounds harsh to not prioritise the newborn but I could usually sort DD1 quickly and easily whereas the baby might take ages to settle or feed or whatever.

I always had some Peppa Pig and Mr Tumble recorded off cbeebies and I sometimes put one on when I needed to breastfeed the baby. Usually I'd try to get her involved with a toy first but at that age DD1 had a very short attention span so it never lasted for long. I owe Justin Fletcher aka Mr Tumble a pint I can tell you! The upshot is that she now loves the TV and I have to ration it but it gave me sanity to carry on breastfeeding so I think it was worth it.

Over time I have managed to work it so they have their lunchtime nap at the same time. At first they didn't coincide at all but I gradually shifted their nap times by 5 mins here and there and eventually I have got to a point where they both sleep for 2 hours at lunch, it was what kept me sane. Two hours to mumsnet do the washing up, prep the dinner or whatever. Sadly, DD1 doesn't need the nap anymore, grrr!

In the run up to baby#2 we made the decision to get rid of DD1s dummy, we took it away cold turkey when she turned one. A friend had said that her 4 year old still had his because when he was 2 and the new baby came along whenever they tried to take his dummy away he would just steal the baby's dummy instead, or whinge. I took her advice and got rid and by the time DD2 came along DD1 thought dummies were only for babies and she has never bothered.

We also managed to get her onto beakers for her milk, she was on full fat cows milk by then. If breastfeeding hadn't been successful I didn't want her to think all the baby bottles were for her and to listen to her whinge because baby was getting one and not her. Again, just like the dummy, by the time DD2 came along DD1 was used to her 'big girl beaker' and knew the baby bottles were just for the baby.

We bought a Phil&Teds and bought the car seat adaptor for it and that was excellent. I know they get a bit of a bad rep, but ours has been excellent. Now that they weigh the same, either can go in either seat and we just do whatever suits on whatever day. We have had an awful lot of use from it. I've had a few people say things like ' well, I never needed a double buggy ' with raised eyebrows but I just laughed and said DD1 couldn't walk when DD2 arrived so I could hardly insist she walk everywhere!

The down side was, like someone else said, that I can barely remember the first 3 months or so at all, its a total sleep deprived blur so take lots of photos to look back on. I was so busy I just never got the time to just really enjoy my baby the second time round and now I wish I had ignored the washing up/hoovering a little more and had a few extra cuddles tbh.

Sorry to everyone else for the rather long post!

I have a 6 year age gap. it wasn't planned that way, but it has worked out brilliantly. They don't tread on each other's turf, and at the same time they are really affectionate with each other with very few squabbles.

oh and IME a close age gap with siblings does not guarantee harmony. at. all.

(memories of nasking tape line of demarcation down middle of shared bedroom)

I have a 2.6 year gap between my DD and DS1, and then a 23 mo gap between my DS1 and DS2. Both were hard work, especially the 23 mo gap but now the DCs are 6, 4 and 2 I love that they can all bicker fight play together.

I did return to work between each pg and kept the elder DC in nursery a couple of days a week so I could have some time with just the baby. I don't think I could have managed 2 or 3 DCs at home full-time , and I think it would be nice to have a LO when the older DCs are in school, but then it would be hard to return to sleepless nights, nappies etc once you've been out of that stage.

Don't do 16 months! It will ruin your body and brain for a considerable time! Be warned. Personality wise you can't predict (obv) but goodness do/did they fight. Don't presume friends of same sex sibs.

harbingerofdoom You suit your name

Don't I just! For too may Eeyores for my liking. Too tame and havn't embraced the ethos.

One of the Dads army chaps had it down to tee.

I feel I need to state for the record though that with a 16 month gap my body is not knackered, my brain though on the other hand, well.......

yes, I did everything wrong and was still BF and pregnant.

Me too! Have to say being pg and still bfeeding the first one was quite a grim time!

DrCoconut We're like you nearly - 10 year age gap. Much of what you said rung a bell. The first year and a half was quite hard because DH didn't really do much with DS2, but now that he's is approaching 2 1/2 I can leave them to do their thing (involving much going on buses, parks, walking) while I get to spend time with my 12 YO DS, or more commonly drive him to various activities. It works really well for us. I suppose we don't do a huge amount as a family right now because our working days/hours are all over the place, but that's changing as DS2 is less dependent on having an afternoon nap.

I have really enjoyed having what has felt like two only children, in as far as the attention we are able to give them. DS1 is sensible enough to mind DS2 for small stretches and is happy to take him to the park, but I'm mindful not to take advantage of him.

The boys dote on each other and it's brought out such a lovely side to DS1 who was of course the centre of our world for 10 years.

At the time I lost weight all through 2nd PG. Had 18 years to put it all back on :)

"Had 18 years to put it all back on"

Don't tell me that!!

Ah thanks DrK. I will stock up on Mr Tumble dvds! Luckily I have no problem ignoring the housework

Reading with interest as I'm pregnant with my second. I decided I wanted big gaps between children due to having a close sibling myself which didn't work out well. There will be 5.5y between babies if everything goes according to plan and I'm feeling quite pleased about that, but I would love to know (as I will be doing it next year!) what is so difficult about the school run with a baby?

3 years maybe. getting on is dependent on personaility and not age gap though.