Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Ideal Gap Between Children

189 replies

rosalux · 03/08/2011 10:54

A friend of mine has just announced her second pregnancy and is due in early Feb. She currently has a DD who is 13 months. Similarly my cousin has two DD who are almost exactly 2 years apart. I am expecting my first this month and was just idly wondering what people thought was a good gap to have between children. Is it best to get all the sleepless nights out of the way in one go or do kids of slightly bigger gaps get along better? All being well I'd hope to have another reasonably soon, just not sure how soon.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 19/08/2011 09:06

sorry.... he of the Child of Our Times series.

harassedandherbug · 19/08/2011 09:10

Ds1 is 22, ds2 is 20 and dd is 5. Plus another one due in December.

17 & 14 years is great for babysitting Wink!!

21months between my boys and that was quite hard to start with as it's two babys pretty much! Plus one doesn't sit where it's left.... But it was great as they got older as they had lots to fight over in common. Chalk and cheese now though!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/08/2011 09:10

Glad that a 4 year gap is sounding so positive. DD2 arrives after Christmas and DD1 starts school September '12. So I've had 4 years with DD1, then I'll have 8 months with both of them (pre-school aside), then DD1 goes to school and I'll get time with DD2. Sounds perfect really...on paper....

Cherrybug · 19/08/2011 09:26

I dont think it's helpful for anyone to say this is the best age gap, or this is the worst. It depends on the personality of the children and as others have pointed out, getting the gap you want is not necessarily something you can always control.

There are personal examples of all sorts of combinations which work well. And once they are adults they may get on or not regardless of the size of the gap between them.

H007 · 19/08/2011 10:10

There is 6 years between me and my sister and I think that's great, I don't understand this need for people to have their children as close together as possible. Any of my friends who have smaller age gaps just seem to bicker all the time with their siblings. There is a 6 year age gap between my nephews as well as they get on better and play together nicer than than either do with the child in the middle. Personality has a far bigger impact on relationship development than age.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 19/08/2011 10:45

I have 22 months between mine and it's lovely. It is hard in the early months (potty training plus newborn is crazily hard work) but they are so close and loving now. I think not being pregnant until after oldest was 1 probably helped from perspective of not being too knackered but I love a small gap.

There can be an element of "didn't I just do this?" when you start teaching younger one stuff but actually I think it would be harder to go from relatively civilised life having of a reception age child back to newborn mess and noise.

Mum2Luke · 19/08/2011 11:03

I have 3 - eldest is 20, then 18 then 9. Hows that for an age gap! Grin

Taffeta · 19/08/2011 11:06

Close together = more work when they are little, possibly easier for activities when older
Further apart = Possibly less rivalry, possibly less in common

Massive generalisations though, as siad so much depends on the temperament of the children and, crucially, IME, your ability to cope, which has a big impact on both siblings. (eg on reflection, I think DS would have been a much calmer child if I'd stopped at one Hmm ) If you are in the very fortunate position to choose ( I aimed for an 18 month age gap as I am an older mother, got a 2 yr 9month one ), then aim for what would suit you best. Do you want the nappy etc stage over quick or do you relish it when they are small? How would your existing LO be with it? How does it fit in to your life/where you live/work plans?

Bandwithering · 19/08/2011 11:16

It is NOT thee and a half years

My kids do nothing but fight. It is embarrassing and exhausting. And to think I 'felt sorry' for people who were pregnant really quickly again after their first child! Hmm

bonkers20 · 19/08/2011 11:19

10 years is perfect for me and my family!

cornflakegirl · 19/08/2011 11:28

I agree with Taffeta's initial summation.

I have a 4 year age gap. Made the baby stage massively easier that DS1 was fairly self-sufficient, and he started school a month after DS2 was born, so I got lots of time with DS2. They're 6 and 2 now, and do play together really well (racing around, trampolining etc), but there's a lot of stuff that DS1 wants to do that just isn't appropriate for DS2. We have to save things like board games for when DS2 naps, and days out tend to involved one of us doing stuff with DS1, and the other chasing round after DS2 - and trying to stretch DS2's nap schedule to breaking point.

But having two children close together doesn't necessarily mean they'll want to do the same things. My friend has two dc 2 years apart. The elder is quiet and likes to play alone - the younger likes to be with people all the time. This can lead to quite a lot of arguments!

bonkers20 · 19/08/2011 11:32

Oh and despite the 10 years between them, they still manage to find things to fight about (they are 2 and 12). I guess it's a rule of being siblings.

demsy · 19/08/2011 11:39

I have 20 months between my first 2 and then 21 months between my second and third so 3 kids in 3 and a half years. It's hard work but I love watching them play together. My DC3 is 10 months now and is starting to become part of the gang. I personally planned it this way as I wanted them to have a close bond and be roughly able to do similar things as they get older I also wanted child bearing out of the way before my DC1 started school! It's hard work but I think definately worth it!

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 19/08/2011 11:49

I reckon a 3 to 4 year gap, or possibly 5, is the best.
Working in Nursery Schools I've seen the pleasure that 3 and 4 year olds take in a new arrival. So much better than the jealousy of the terrible twos !

I think too many people go for about a two year gap and make things unnecessarily difficult for themselves - including me - Yes, a sibling will be wonderful but that doesn't mean you have to do it right now !

It took a while to conceive our first, so when she was approaching two and I started feeling broody for a sibling we thought we'd make a relaxed start on TTC DC2. Of course this time I got pregnant straight away and ended up with a 2.6 gap, which personally I found pretty hectic in the first year or so.

But they are great friends Grin

mamasunshine · 19/08/2011 11:49

Similar to demsy with close gaps. I had dc3 when dc1 was 2.10 Grin So 3 under 3! I must say I LOVE it, don't get me wrong some days it IS HARD, but I wouldn't change the small gaps. I planned the gaps (lucky) as I always knew once we were out of nappies etc I would NEVER go back! Also never fancied having to get out of bed/get ready early every day for school run with newborn. We haven't experienced any jealousy and they play relatively well together (also argue/fight), and the baby is entertained well by them.

Would definitely agree it's the personality of the dc that makes the biggest difference. DS1 was a breeze and still is, he's very helpful, good etc...never any tantrums. DS2 has always been more difficult/boisterous/tantrums etc. DD so far is a dream and does just 'fit-in'. If DS2 had been DS1 I expect we would have had a big gap before having another Grin

oooggs · 19/08/2011 11:50

between ds1 & dts is 3 years & 3 mths (not by choice) but between dts & ds3 is 21mths and that has been brilliant.

3 under 2 was hard in the beginning but now they are 4, 4 & 2 it is great

AdelaofBlois · 19/08/2011 11:54

My sister has a 30 month gap between her children, we have a 21 month gap between hours.

The expert that is my Mum used this to explain why my older child has trouble speaking, why the youngest is a bundle of cute energy who won't settle easily, and why both are basically doomed to a life of misery.

I don't know what ideal is, but would advise avoiding 21 months-it is clearly the death knell to either child's future.

If you've blundered into this crime, take comfort that it is apparently understandable to have such an age gap if your partner is 'older and very fit'. But it's still crap for the kids.

mamasunshine · 19/08/2011 11:55

oooggs Shock 3 under 2! Smile

duchesse · 19/08/2011 11:56

We have friends who had 5 under 2.1 (!!!). Said babies are now 3 and 5 and it's getting a bit easier.

duchesse · 19/08/2011 11:59

And we have 12,14 and 16 years between our first batch and the baby and I honestly can't think of a single drawback. The older children have been and continue to be fabulous with her. The older three are 21m and 2.3 y (3 children in 4y 1 m) apart in age and that has been lovely for them, but difficult for me when they were small- a lot of plates to spin...

Firawla · 19/08/2011 12:04

I think whatever age gap you end up with probably works out for the best because that's what your dc know and get used to, so unless its for some reason a complete disaster i doubt most people would want to change it

Mine are about 1.5 yr between each (17 months, and 19 months gaps) and seems to be working out okay so far. Personally I don't find it that hard to have them close together but suppose it is harder to give them all as much individual attention as if they were like 5 yrs apart and the only one at home while older ones are all at school. It's really nice for them to be able to play together though (well my older 2, #3 is still newborn but sure he will be able to join in before too long)

Dont really know whether to try for a slightly longer gap for the next one or just try to keep with the same

sieglinde · 19/08/2011 12:31

I think the fights are due to just 2 dcs; I have 2 myself, and wish now I'd had 4+. I had a five-year gap, which is great in all the ways said above. Sometimes they fight ridiculously, though.

Mandy21 · 19/08/2011 12:35

15 minutes between the first two Grin and yes, that was hard work! As others have said though, its only hard whilst they're really young and now they're older, 99% of the time they play nicely together.

Number 3 arrived 4 years later and that so far, has been great. I would never have planned it to be 4 years (wanted it to happen sooner) but in actual fact, it was perfect. The older 2 started school 2 months after Number 3 arrived so I could be a playground Mummy for all of their Reception year, get them settled into school, have play dates, make mummy friends in the playground and still have 1:1 time with Number 3. The older two helped with little jobs to be involved (getting wipes / nappies etc) and now they're 6 and 2, its brilliant (except the 2 year old thinks she's 6!).

emmanumber3 · 19/08/2011 12:35

BonzaBlue - 10 years is working out fabulously for me! DS2 (10) can't do enough for his baby sister (10 days). I'm just hoping the novelty doesn't wear off too soon! DS1 (14 next month) is less interested however!

DrKoothrappali · 19/08/2011 13:40

16 months here and we love it, so do they I think. Its been hard because its a small gap and at first my eldest wasn't walking or talking but it has become easier now. It was like having two babies at first, but babies at totally different stages ie. the nap schedule for one didn't match the nap schedule for the other iyswim.