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Original poster

found out its a girl, am a bit sad...everyone is a bit down

167 replies

mamaesi · 13/07/2011 12:11

I just found out I am having another girl and feel down about it. Every single family member kept saying 'hope its a boy' and I know my husband wanted a son too. In fact so did I...

I know its silly, but I feel like I have let people down...and someone already said "oh shame, bet you wanted a boy"

And my husband has already said he doesnt want any more than 2 children...even though I kinda do...so this was my only chance for a son and now its over. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?

please help me talk some sense into my mind

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Original poster
mamaesi · 13/07/2011 15:52

wow. to say get a grip, and to suggest I shouldnt get pregnant!

I was just expressing how I feel, and asking for advice. Pregnancy and becoming a mum are emotional and of course I will fall in love with my daughter.

I just hate that friends and family seem less excited now.

OP posts:
Africagirl1 · 13/07/2011 15:53

I have a son and my DH didn't want more children, particularly in case it was a girl. I got him to agree on a second after "promising" it would be a boy. Haha, of course we are expecting a daughter in Oct. He's not thrilled about the idea but after getting over my own "disappointment" I am getting excited about the idea. Although 2 boys would have been great - I think it's lovely your girls will have each other, the "sister" thing is very special. I have 2 and couldn't live without them. My husband has a sister and they are not particularly close.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 13/07/2011 15:55

I have 3ds and when pregnant with the last got sick to death of people including my idiot IL's saying " oh what a shame, never mind, what a pity" I was furious!! a baby is a baby, may I congratulate you on your exciting news

buttonmoon78 · 13/07/2011 15:56

Glad to see the harsh words have not put you off Mamaesi.

I have a friend whose DH declined to find out with dc3 (after 2 girls) as in his words to his mother 'I don't want to give you time to make me feel sad if it's another girl - I am simply happy that the scan said it's healthy and I will welcome either boy or girl'.

It was a boy so everyone was happy but I felt so sad that he had to say that to his own family. They are Punjabi so strong cultural influences at work.

You will love your daughter. Of course, you will. It's natural to feel a bit deflated when everyone was hoping for a boy. Knickers to the lots of them - she'll be beautiful!

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 15:56

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ShowOfHands · 13/07/2011 16:04

mamaesi, I hope you've managed to read all the replies and seen that some people do understand.

It is possible to hold more than one feeling inside you at a time. Being disappointed that a particular potential path of your life is permanently closed is nothing whatsover with how you feel about your baby's health. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and gues that mamaesi is as pleased and grateful as the next expectant mother that her baby is healthy. Do not accuse her of something she hasn't done.

usualsuspect · 13/07/2011 16:04

CarolineLou ...are you for real?
There are some horrible posts on this thread Hmm
OP ,I'm sure you will love your daughter when she is born ,good luck with the rest of your pregnancy Smile

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:06

Why wouldnt i be for real? What have I said thats unrealalistic?

usualsuspect · 13/07/2011 16:07

This is a pregnancy thread ,the OP was asking for support not a string of judgemental posts

HTH

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:10

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Meglet · 13/07/2011 16:13

I think your family and DH's family should butt out. Bollocks to them (in a polite way of course).

It sounds like they the ones piling the pressure on to you.

ciwi · 13/07/2011 16:14

mamaesi I am not having a go at you and you do certainly have the right to say how you feel. But you did ask people to talk some sense into you. I wanted to have a son because my husband wanted a son to carry on the family name etc. When my son was stillborn things were dramatically put into perspective for me, I suppose I, and some others on here just wanted you to see things through our eyes and see that it doesnt matter at all if you are having a boy or a girl, nor does it matter how your family reacted. It is hard when you have suffered a loss to hear people moaning about pregnancy at all.
maxine 'tales of woe' how nasty and downright insensitive. I certainly would not call the loss of my beautiful baby a 'tale of woe'

ThePippy · 13/07/2011 16:20

wow, I think some people on this thread need to get a grip and NOT the OP..

Why is she not entitled to express her disapointment? Why on earth would she have been reading angel baby and miscarriage threads when this isn't relevant to her situation? I doubt very much the OP thought finding out the gender as the most important part of her 20 week scan, but everything else being well means that she is entitled to have feelings about her situation and the way her family and friends have made her feel.

I have lost a baby myself and know how painful it is, but I would never be so bloody high and mighty as to think that other people are not allowed to express opinions about situations I might see as less important, just because I have experienced worse pain. Now that is selfish, not what the OP was expressing.

You talk about her being sensitive to other people and yet by the tone of your admonishments are completely stamping on her feelings. Shame on you all who have decided to hang her for having her views.

NatzCNL · 13/07/2011 16:21

I am expecting our 4th daughter (we lost our 3rd daughter to a severe heart condition at 15 weeks GA) and after finding out that DD4 was another girl I was delighted that she was healthy, but my DP was upset that we weren't having a boy.

This upset me as I was just thankful to have a healthy baby, but after some discussions with DP I totally understood why he was upset. I too am slightly sad that we will not experience life with a son as this will be our last baby, and after a few days DP was past his disappointment and we are both eagerly awaiting our newest arrival. I will admit that when the sonographer said it was a girl there was a pang of sadness, but not for the fact that she was a girl, but because we had both wanted baby to be a boy.

Try to read these posts with a thicker skin OP as I do think some posters have been too harsh with their replies. How you feel is a very normal feeling, which will pass - I promise.

My older DD's have a wonderful relationship and we cant wait to add another little princess to our brood x

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:22

Shame on you also for wanting us to hang ourselfs for also having views... Confused

ThePippy · 13/07/2011 16:23

You weren't expressing your views, you were beating up on someone.

CBear6 · 13/07/2011 16:25

Mamaesi, please don't take any of the harsher replies to heart. Why reply if your only purpose is to berate the OP? The subject line clearly states the content, don't click on it if it's going to upset you.

Gender disappointment is a real thing and it doesn't mean you love either of your children any less, I think you're missing your hypothetical son rather than being disappointed in your actual DD2. Plus so many people, and society in general, have this mistaken belief that a first child of one gender automatically equals a second child of the opposite gender to make the "perfect" family.

DH and I tried for three years to get pregnant and when I finally did I lost it. Six months later I got pregnant again and DH wanted a girl. He wanted a girl so badly that he had me half-convinced I was definitely having a girl. My mum wanted a girl. Friends were telling me how lovely it would be to have a girl. At the 20 week scan we found out we were having a boy. I was fine but DH was really disappointed, he was glad baby was healthy and pleased to be having a son but was disappointed he wasn't going to get a girl, part of it was fear of raising a boy - he was worried that they'd have nothing in common because he (DH) doesn't like football. Irrational, yes, but pregnancy does funny things to Dad's mental state as well as Mum's. It didn't mean he loved DS any less and he's devoted to his son. I lost my next pregnancy in the second trimester (a girl) and then got pregnant again. DH was hopeful for another boy, I think part of it was losing a girl so he pinned his hopes on another boy because we had living "proof" in DS that our boys live. 20 weeks scan said girl and he was again disappointed. Elated we were having a healthy girl but wistful for this imaginary second son he had pictured.

When you're expecting you can't help but picture the baby in your mind and people always try and guess what you're having so it's natural to make your own assumptions too - some people picture themselves with a girl, others with a boy. You just so happened to picture a boy and that picture has now been altered, you had "him" in your head. I don't think you'll love your daughter any less and I don't think you're at all ungrateful or selfish for feeling the way you do. Ignore the people trying to make you feel bad.

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:25

No I was expressing my opinion... which you have no right to tell me is wrong just like I have no right to tell you your opinion is wrong

MaxineHeadroom · 13/07/2011 16:26

ciwi there you go again with the self righteousness
and AGAIN you don't know the circumstances of the OP

perhaps YOU need to get a grip and stop guilt-tripping everyone
you're not the only person to have lost a "beautiful baby" you know, but most of us don't need to shout about it or use emotive words to make us seem more like victims than others Hmm

and it's downright insensitive of YOU to think you can speak on behalf of all those who have lost children. "It is hard when you have suffered a loss to hear people moaning about pregnancy at all. " ffs, no it isn't. I've suffered a loss. I don't mind hearing people moan about pregnancy, that's what a pregnancy forum is for.

THINK ABOUT IT

ShowOfHands · 13/07/2011 16:26

Caroline, can you see the irony in your statement? Yes you are allowed to post what you like and have any opinion you like. But at the same time you're telling another poster what they should feel according to you.

I am still bitterly disappointed by the manner of dd's delivery. I have been challenged on here, told that I am not grateful she is here and healthy when nothing could be further from the truth. There's room enough on MN for honesty about myriad human reactions to life events. And thank God for it.

MaxineHeadroom · 13/07/2011 16:27

ThePippy I couldn't have put it better myself, though you put it much kinder.

Hiding this thread now, it's too aggravating.

ThePippy · 13/07/2011 16:29

Well if you think being nasty and vindictive is a valid way to express an opinion to someone who has asked for advice and support, then you must lead a really cheerful life Caroline. I didn't say your opinion was wrong, but expressing it in the tone you did was not constructive or helpful for anyone, other than maybe making you somehow feel better about yourself like a true bully.

tothemoonandback · 13/07/2011 16:31

You are going to have a baby, you should be delighted, whatever sex it is. Please get some perspective.

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:32

I never said how she should feel? What part of my post said that? I said she should be GREATFUL the baby is well and healthy.

CarolineLou · 13/07/2011 16:33

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