found out its a girl, am a bit sad...everyone is a bit down

[mamaesi]

I just found out I am having another girl and feel down about it. Every single family member kept saying 'hope its a boy' and I know my husband wanted a son too. In fact so did I...

I know its silly, but I feel like I have let people down...and someone already said "oh shame, bet you wanted a boy"

And my husband has already said he doesnt want any more than 2 children...even though I kinda do...so this was my only chance for a son and now its over. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?

please help me talk some sense into my mind

Bloody hell, some of you are so horrible.

Op asked if anyone had felt the same way and how they got over it, not 'please can I have all your stories of how I should be grateful to have a baby at all'.

Are you all going to go onto the one about dodgy wombs, or worried about labour, or my husband beats me up and I'm pregnant and tell them that they should just pull their socks up and feel lucky to be having a baby at all?

If you've not got anything constructive to say, don't say anything.

I have 2 little girls, it's great :)

I was convinced DD2 was going to be a boy, and for personal reasons (grief) I really thought she would be.

I didn't find out until she was born (best way to avoid disappointment IMO) and I had a couple of seconds of shock that it was a girl, and then realised I would now have TWO girls, TWO! And what could be better than that? Nothing could be better.

I totally understand why you want the experience of having a son. Inwant that too, and I might never get it.

But two lovely girls will go a long way to making up for that.

It will be great, I promise :)

Well I think OP is pretty brave to post exactly how she feels.
I think its pretty common even though some of us don't like to admit it.
OP will certainly get over it in time and she will probably forget about all this when her daughter is born but I can relate a little to how she feels.
I know my DH would love a son too and so would I we have a DD already who we adore and it would be nice to have a son. I had stronger feelings about it earlier on in my pregnancy which have sort of disappeared now as I am entering the third trimester and I won't be 'upset' if its girl but I can't speak for DH.
You havent let anyone down OP. I wonder if you have some other culture in your family where feelings about having a boy might be of more concern?
I know in many countries and cultures there is still a bit of pressure to have a boy and often mum feels as if its her fault.
Remember its both of you who made the baby, not just you so your DH is also held to account!

I agree it is fine to admit your feelings. I also agree that once your daughter arrives you will wonder why you were ever upset!

And people who are being so unkind should remember that all feelings are valid, it is how we deal with them that counts.

I think half of the problem is that society tends to assume that a family is 'perfect' if you have:
Mum
Dad
Boy
Girl

I lost count of the number of people who came out with "oh, aren't you clever?" type of remarks when I had ds - as if I had done something special to ensure that I had a girl and a boy.

OP - I have no doubt that, whatever you are feeling now, when you have your daughter you will feel nothing but joy.

OP-sorry you're feeling disappointed that you're having another DD. I'm sure as your pregnancy progresses you'll get used to the idea and start to feel excited about meeting your new DD.

I don't know if this helps, but in my experience same sex siblings are often closer. I have a brother and a sister and our mother died when we were teenagers. My sister and I became v close after her death and she's my closest friend as well as my sister, we speak several times a week, see each other as often as we can and she's an amazing aunt to my DD who adores her. So while you may be dissappointed now, having a second DD may be wonderful for your family and DD1.

When I had dd after two boys I was really shocked.
I had expected another boy and was kind of ready for that.
I wasn't disappointed but had to adjust my thinking iyswim.

It honestly didn't take long

She is 8 now and such a laugh.

Just give it time. And try to ignore those who are disappointed. You are not responsible for their expectations.

Looks like I am too late for this discussion and what a shame. Would loved to have read CarolineLou's posts. Being booted off a mums forum is quite the achievement.

Anyway I found out yesterday I was expecting a girl (first). I was very happy and am already planning the amazing parties and bonding we can hopefully have. However I too had always imagined having a boy first. Of course it does not matter long term but people are surely allowed a day or two to mull this change of imagined future over with helpful and friendly advice on a forum.

There are already 7 wee girls in our family and no boys. Therefore who wouldnt want to be the one to bring a wee boy into the family. Lots of fuss and attention lavished on my lovely child as opposed to being number 8 girl. Maybe its just me but I kind of hoped I would be the one to break the mould which is occuring in my family.

I am so so so glad my baby is healthy and I will not care less when she arrives, but growing up just had an image in my head so I need to adjust slightly. Doesnt mean someone is bad, just adapting.

Wow! Have just come back to see all this... gotta love mumsnet for the crazy heated discussions that can occur.

I just wanted to say to all those being quite harsh and telling me to be greatful...of course I am. In fact I spent the whole scan asking the guy "is that normal, is everything okay, are you sure...wait are there 5 fingers?" I asked so much he thought I was crazy and yes that was my priority..the health of the baby!

I was posting on the pregnancy forum to talk to other pregnant women or mums who also had issues/hopes/rude comments about finding out about the sex. I do not need to be told to be greatful nor do I need to read about other people's losses..this was supposed to be a lighthearted discussion about gender.

In any case, today I got quite a few emails from other friends and family saying how excited they are for another little princess..so things are looking up already.

mamaesi - glad these comments didn't get to you. Congratulations on your 2nd little girl. As I said in an earlier post, I have 2 girls and another DD on the way. Got lots of the 'oh dear, poor you/DP' and felt rather hurt by those comments.

Also now getting all the 'Ooo, 3 girls! How exciting/money saving/unusual etc'

All the best to you and your family x

Ugh, reading some of these comments makes me scared even to post on MN again!

OP - I understand how you are feeling. I don't expect everyone to, but to all the haters - don't judge an individual based on their individual circumstances and feelings. you are not her!

good luck with 2nd little princess!

Once your dd is here, you will love her and all your feelings of disappointment will fade.

And remember, a daughters' a daughter for all of her life etc!

Glad you didn't get scared off by the hiccups that took place a couple of pages back. Didn't take long for the family to find positives which is good.

Congratulations once again and hope the rest of your pregnancy is relaxing.

Mamaesi

I hope that you read the thread again and note that many posters were very supportive of you -rather than focussing only on those who were rude.

Aw, I have two boys, I adore them but I did have a bit of angst at not having the "Topsy and Tim" boy/girl upbringing that DH and I both had.

I do understand, totally. I will never have a daughter. Just an experience that I will never have, one of many. I do have 2 amazing boys who love each other loads, and are very loved.
It is much cheaper as well, same toys, DS2 wears all DS1's casts offs.
You'll get used to it. You just need time to get your head around the fact that your expected family is not your reality.

Mamaesi - what you're feeling is totally normal. I have two DSs and have always (and probably always will!) have a longing for a girl. I do absolutely adore my wonderful, amazingly fun and happy, heart melting boys, who fill me with such pride and I would do absolutely anything for them, I love them both with all of my heart and I wouldn't be without them for one second. However, I do feel sad at the thought of never having that mother-daughter relationship.

BUT then I think the grass is always greener. I think those with one of each must think 'would they get on better if they were one gender', those with girls must think 'wouldn't it be great to also have a boy', those with loads of kids think 'ooh the peace of having just one child'. I could go on. Your feelings will get less 'raw' with time and then they matter less and less with time. Allow yourself time to begin to accept your different to expected family dynamic, then go out and get some lovely new clothes and toys for your lovely new beautiful girl you will come to adore. I do also think getting 'new' things is good when you have thew same gender.

Can I also say that I (stupidly!) thought two boys would be similar. BUT they are different in every possible way. Sounds really stupid to say that, but in advance of actually meeting your baby and the person they will become, all you know is their gender. It is just one small part of that person. And she is likely to be the total opposite of your DD1.

Congratulations :)

My aunt is in her 90s now. She had a boy, then twin boys and then a long gap. And then another boy. She longed for a girl. She loves her sons and their families. But she has never stopped grieving for the girl she didn't have. She even has a drawer full of 1960 baby girls clothes for the last one that should have been a girl I am sure she knows how lucky she was to have 4 healthy boys but I'm not sure it helps all that much.

Sheep, I agree, my boys are so different in character, they really are.
But they gel nonetheless.

I suspect this is because DS1 indulges DS2

You can't win, OP. Everyone bases their opinions on their own experiences, you can see that from the posts, and from the fact that there are a million threads like this the other way around, from people being disappointed about having a boy. Probably more, I would imagine.

No matter what combination of genders or numbers of children you have, everyone has something to say about it. I have one of each and people still make ridiculous comments to me about dd not having a sister and their experiences of brothers and sisters fighting/growing apart/not getting on etc etc.

It will all be fine, and everyone will adore her.

the OP seems a lot more balanced than some on this thread

we are all grateful for our healthy children but it doesn't mean that we can't have disappointments or problems along the way (should I be told that I shouldn't be concerned about dc1's minor health issues for instance because, hey, at least there is no life limiting illness?)

I never had gender disappointment (2 the same) but I think dp did with #2. We DID think #2 may have had problems in utero so had extra scans etc (thankfully all fine in the end) but it didn't stop his perfectly valid disappointment in not having the classic "one of each", yes it was put in perspective due to the stress of possible problems but he still had his thoughts and ideas of dc2's place in the family whipped away fairly early on (gender identifed at 16 weeks)

the OP seemed to need to deal with OTHERS' disappointment rather than her own and she gets attacked for that...

I think there are a lot of people that have had a shitty time but nevertheless need to stop projecting their sadness and issues on others that haven't had the heartbreak.

GOod luck OP :)

My friend found out yesterday she's expecting her 4th daughter. Since she announced her pregnancy everyone has gone on about her having a boy this time. Yes she admitted it would be nice to have a boy. But she be equally happy with another girl.

Now she knows the same people (her family, her in laws and friends) that went on about having a boy have told her she wouldn't want a boy anyway. She's pretty fed up now.

mamaesi - I felt like that when i had my scan last year.

At that point i had 3 boys & 1 girl + 1 stillborn girl.
I'd been through a lot to get pregnant, miscarriages, infertility & an ectopic so i was so thrilled to be pregnant.
I kinda hoped for a girl.... more for my daughter than for myself.
I was so happy to have a continuing pregnancy & just wanted a healthy baby.

However everyone kept saying, hope its a girl, you can't have another boy, you need another girl etc etc.
It got to the point that when i found out at the scan i was having another boy i felt that i had let everyone down. I know, i know it sound silly but there was all this pressure from everyone expecting me to have this girl & suddenly i was told i was having my 4th boy.

I love my little boy to bits, he's gorgeous, happy & healthy & that is all that matters. People do still comment about me having 4 boys but in my 'non hormonal state' i don't let it get to me.

I think that the problem is that we are so used to choice-I think it is wonderful to have one area of life where you can't choose and it is down to nature.

I had one of each so really didn't mind what I had third time around. I shocked myself when I felt a bit when I had ds2. I think that it was as much that I knew he would be my last child and maybe I would have felt like that a bit if he had been a girl. All I know is that I felt really guilty that I had these feelings as I couldn't help them at all. (and in the event it only lasted about an hour!) Anyway ds2 is the most amazing lovely gorgeous child and I am just so glad that he is himself. Scrummy, gorgeous, smiley happy lovely and in to everything he can possibly be in to! In my experience every one always assumes that you will have the opposite of what you already have, but life is not like that and wouldn't it be boring if it was!

mama best suggestion would be those friends and family being put in the firing line of some mums netters as it seems your friends and family who are the major offenders here.

Congratulations on your pregnancy have no idea what's coming out of me soon but would flame down anyone I knew that had a negative opinion on what I had produced!

From your point of view u will love baby no matter what and hey....your dh might decide he might chance a 3 rd now? I could mention all the things that should talk sense into you about losses etc but think that's been well and truly done!

Personally I don't really care what my baby is but deep down I would love a boy then a girl but won't care what pops out as long as healthy and doesn't tear me in half on the way out