found out its a girl, am a bit sad...everyone is a bit down

[mamaesi]

I just found out I am having another girl and feel down about it. Every single family member kept saying 'hope its a boy' and I know my husband wanted a son too. In fact so did I...

I know its silly, but I feel like I have let people down...and someone already said "oh shame, bet you wanted a boy"

And my husband has already said he doesnt want any more than 2 children...even though I kinda do...so this was my only chance for a son and now its over. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you get over it?

please help me talk some sense into my mind

[Pancakeflipper]

You are going to have to tell the family " get over it. We are going to love her and think she is fabulous. End of "

And just think about that wonderful sister-friendship you can watch develop between your 2 girls.

And when they are older you can go to see romantic girly films together and pretty dress shopping ( unless you get 2 tomboys who are stuck up trees) and you get to read them Malory Towers...

Sigh... from a mum of 2 boys who is packing her St Clairs and Malory Towers books away for her friend's daughters.

[ciwi]

Be happy that you are having a healthy pregnancy, boy or girl. I find it infuriating that people take so much for granted. I do appreciate that you should be able to speak your mind on here but please look at what you have and not what you don't have. You are very lucky to be blessed with a child and you should focus on that.

[StrikeUpTheBand]

I am sorry, but I just get a bit when I read threads like this. I know this is harsh, and no you can't help how you feel, but I cannot help my feelings either. Please, please consider that you are taking for granted that this baby will come home with you at all. Some of us are all too aware of that possibility. My firstborn was a boy, and he was stillborn. I don't think you should be feeling 'down' about coming out of a scan where the baby was presumably otherwise fine?

I also think your relatives were insensitive to hope for a boy, for what it is worth.

[StrikeUpTheBand]

Crossed posts Ciwi

[mumatron]

summerbird I think your post is way out of line. You have no idea of the op's situation. I was disappointed when I found out I was having a 2nd dd. That was after having 4 recurrent miscarriages and being told we had a 1% chance of ever having a baby. I still felt sad that my family was not going to be how I imagined it. Should she never post anything negative about pregnancy incase it upsets someone? Btw, I am sorry for your loss, I have been there and know it is utter shit to go through.

Op, as I said I was convinced I was having a boy and was so upset when the scan showed a girl. Partly because I thought that's what everyone else would want, the reality is I would not change dd for anything. I cannot even imagine having a boy! She is adored by everyone in the family.

[TheMadonnaWithTheBigBoobies]

I think you most definitely need to get a grip. For some of us, the 20 week scan is not about team pink or team blue. It's about 'is my baby okay?'

All this hand holding because you aren't having a boy is frankly obscene. Your baby is seemingly healthy and fit. What more could you want for???? Seriously???? Am I missing something??? Why not take a look at the 'Angel Babies' thread? Or the 'Children With Special Needs' thread? Seriously, hormones or not, get a grip.

[itsraining]

Op, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, are there religious or cultural reasons why everyone wanted you to have a boy?

If not, then tbh, having a boy is just an idea about what your baby will be like because you might have had a boisterous boy or a more reserved, gentle one. You may be having a hoydenish girl or a quiet one. Atm, no-one knows.

If you would like a third child then maybe your husband will be more receptive to the idea now, although you may have a third girl!

When you meet and get to know your new baby girl I'm sure you will adore her and it will be wonderful for your older dd to have a sister. Hopefully, they will be close and supportive of each other for their whole lives.

To the posters who think that op is unreasonable to express her disappointment - imho an anonymous parenting forum is the best place for her to talk about it because it's not rl. She'll be well aware that she's lucky to be having a baby at all and doesn't need to be told off for wanting to talk about this aspect.

[ciwi]

I don't think summerbird was out of line at all mamaesi asked for someone to someone to talk some sense into her and she just tried to do that.
strike sorry for your loss, my little boy was stillborn too x
mumatron I can't believe you were dissapointed after all you went through to have your children. Not knocking how you felt but I just can't imagine ever feeling that way.

[Thirstysomething]

Agree with Wherethewildthingswere...
I wanted a boy (quite a bit of pressure to carry on the family name etc), and was so sure that I was having a boy that I told the midwife she was mistaken when DD1 was born! I now have two girls and LOVE having them -- sisters are so sweet and such a support to each other all through life. There was a survey recently which said that two girls was the happiest combination of children for a family.
I am now pg with no 3 and couldn't care less which sex it is - but I know how you feel when you are hoping for one sex and get another.
Don't let anyone pressure you in any way whatsoever. Just ignore those who say "get a grip", and tell those who 'sympathise' with you that you don't care which sex you have so long as it is healthy... usually guaranteed to make them feel petty and small!

[queenebay]

After lots of losses my first question at my 20 week scan was is my baby alive. Wouldnt have cared less if it had 2 heads as long as it was alive.
Be thankful you are able to concieve and count your blessings.

[TheMadonnaWithTheBigBoobies]

Well said queenebay, and seconded by many here I suspect.

[Summerbird73]

mumatron I stand by my post. Sorry if you thought I was ?out of line? but I am sure the OP was not expecting everyone to support her view. Perhaps she should read a few threads on ?Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss? instead of listening to ?silly old me?

Thank you ciwi

[Renaissance227]

I think two girls would be lovely to have.
Count your blessings you have a second beautiful daughter on the way. There are so many people out there who would give anything for two beautiful daughters (or even one!). Its not like you have four girls already and really wanted a boy.
GET A GRIP!

[ciwi]

I third that queenebay

[Hulababy]

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad over this. But it;ll be fine. You'll have your daughter and adore her, as will your husband and all your family and friends.

And it could be worse - you could be unable to have a second child at all after all.

Look on the positive side - you are having a much loved second child and a sibling for your DD.

And if anyone says its a shame or such nonsense, put them right immediately.

[vanimal]

I have 2 DDs, and I ADORE them! They have a fabulous sister-sister relationship, and I can't imagine either being a boy. I am grateful I had two beautiful healthy girls.

I can't understand your disappointment I'm afraid, but you should be consoled that when you meet your baby daughter you will love her absolutely and unconditionally.

Good luck.

[BuckBuckMcFate]

I think that ShowOfHands has read this correctly, the OP is sad at the fact that she won't have a son not that she is having a daughter.

When I was pregnant with DC4 I chose to find out the sex and I was sad that it wasn't a girl but happy to be having a boy. I was sad because I wanted DD to have a sister, which is something I always wanted, I am often quite envious of friends who have sisters.

But I was thrilled to be having a boy too.

I too have lost a baby and I still felt sad at the fact that DC4 wasn't a girl. IMO it doesn't take anything away from the baby I have lost or the much loved DS3 that I had. They are 2 separate emotions and I think the op is entitled to feel this way.

[eurochick]

I would give anything right now to have a baby of either gender. We are desperately trying but I am not PG and never have been. I would love to be in your position.

And as for you feeling that you have let everyone down, a bit of basic biology might help here - it's the sperm that determines the gender.

[goodnightmoon]

i think two of the same is ideal, they have a much better chance of being friends both in childhood and adulthood. i have a son and frankly am hoping for a second boy (will find out in 3 weeks). after huge fertility problems along the way i won't be sad though if it's a girl!
maybe your husband will change his mind on only having two. but watch out, my brother and his wife had 4 girls before they had a boy!

[buttonmoon78]

Mamaesi If you are still there, I hope you aren't feeling too bad. I've not read past the first few posts as I knew it would be more of the same.

Please don't feel as though you have let anyone down. It is nothing to do with you, and the odds are generally about 50:50.

I do think though that you need to be gentle with yourself. I'm sure that when your beautiful daughter arrives she will be as loved as any other child would be. Perhaps it's not simply being upset that she is a girl, more that you are grieving because you are not having a boy?

This will always be an emotive issue as many have shown. And I am a firm believer that you should be able to welcome either sex before conceiving but then I don't live in an ideal world and nor do you. Just as you cannot understand the circumstances or feelings of someone who has had to deal with repeated loss, they cannot understand your circumstances or feelings.

I'm taking a wild stab in the dark here, but are there cultural factors at play in the family?

[MaxineHeadroom]

My god people are so self-righteous, why the need to make the OP feel guilty about the way she feels with your tales of woe? Yes a MC is horrendous, a lot of us have been there, maybe even the OP. But it's irrelevant to the subject in hand anyway - she's allowed to feel what she feels and just because YOU personally have had a MC doesn't make her feelings less valid. You may not personally feel the feelings that she does, but that doesn't make her a terrible person or you a better person, why would you try and make her feel as such? You don't know her situation. It's sickening.

I struggle personally to identify with her feelings of sadness over a DD, but I don't question her right to feel it, and NOBODY has a right to judge. Just because people are starving in 3rd world countries doesn't mean you're not allowed to say you don't like bananas ffs.

[Kayzr]

I have 2 boys and I really wanted DS1 to be a boy. To the point I was terrified the scan would say I was having a girl. To this day I have no idea why I wanted him to be a boy so much. With DS2 I did want him to be a girl because I thought it would be nice to have one of each. But it was nothing like the feelings I had with the first one. Those feelings of wanting a girl disappeared as soon as I had the scan and was told he was another boy. I was just over the moon to be having a healthy baby.

We are going to try for DC3(DPs DC1) at the end of the year and again I would love a girl. We think we might give that Shettles method a go as we have nothing to lose really. But if it is another boy then I know we'll be happy and resign ourselves to another few years of being able to watch nothing but Thomas and Fireman Sam.

I feel that yes it is sad that you feel like this as you should be very happy. You can't help it, I know I couldn't help wanting DS1 to be a boy so so much.

[MrsVidic]

Can I just point out that the op posted this in the pregnancy section not in aibu.
Can all posters try to remember that pregnancy causes some pretty extreme moods/ fears etc.
Fwiw op I think you're thinking about the son you will never have rather than the daughter you are growing. You may also be feeling it more as this emphasises the fact you want dc3 and Dh doesn't.
I felt shocked when I found out I'm having a second girl- was upset too. Then I realised I wasn't upset I was having a girl but felt the loss of the boy I believed I was having. You will get over this, it's good you found out. Think of the second weddingdress you get to help to choose, the strong bond lots of sisters share.

[ShowOfHands]

It is absolutely fruitless to berate a woman who is feeling a natural and well-documented phenomena such as gender disappointment. You do not switch it on or off with the rational part of your brain. Yes it might be worth reminding her of how fabulous it is to be having a healthy baby but acknowledging this does not preclude you from having other feelings. Gender disappointment is not a lack of gratitude or ignorance of the wonder of having any baby at all, regardless of its requisite genitals. It's a visceral and upsetting reaction that is all the worse because you know it isn't rational.

My mother has a horrifically misshapen leg and some resulting issues from it following aggressive treatment of cancer. I don't tell her to stfu when she's upset because the bloke down the road has no leg at all. I don't berate somebody struggling with parenting because at least they have children. Thankfully, we don't have to filter our experiences and feelings through the experiences of others. We can be mindful of them and respectful, of course, but MN in particular is a wonderful forum for honesty. And the op is having a normal, natural reaction and asking for support through it. Remind her what she has (a no doubt beautiful and wonderful child) but do not for a second think that this is something in which 'get a grip' or accusations of ingratitude will help. Time will help. With a good measure of understanding and acknowledgment that it's merely part of the peculiarities of the human condition.

We must be careful not to 'allow' women feelings or demand something of them in which they have no control. The way to get over gender disappointment is to admit it, talk about it and work through it. Part of this involves talking to people who have been there and come out the other side.

[buttonmoon78]

Well said MrsV.

And MaxineH. You said what I didn't have the guts to say