"Was it a planned pregnancy?"

[LuluLozenge]

Has anyone else been getting this?

I'm 32, have been with my DP for over six very happy years, and we both have good jobs.

I'm a bit taken aback to be asked this all the time - most recently by a friend's new girlfriend I'd met an hour earlier! I always answer politely but I think it's really rude.

Does everyone get this or do I just look like the kind of person who is too disorganised to use contraception?

(It WAS planned, by the way!)

I've just found out I'm expecting no.2 and Dr. gives me a due date of Sept 26th based on my last period. I was really ill with flu slap bang over Christmas while staying with both my parents and ILs (and I mean proper flu) and I'm just waiting for the looks I'm going to get as they think 'you couldn't have been that ill if you conceived over Christmas'. Thing is I know for a fact it wasn't before 8th Jan. The only thing I was doing in bed over Christmas was writhing around in pain and sweating.

I find this so incredibly rude, and seems to be asked by people I wouldn't class as 'friends', more people I know of. I was asked several times with DD (12 mths) and am pg again and due in July - 2 men 'of a certain age' are the only ones so far to ask. I find it very hard to answer, purely because its no-ones f-ing business! Both were planned, but why should that matter to someone I don't know that well?
We have been very lucky with conceiving, but there are a few people I'm very close to who are having a terrible time TTC and it really makes me to think of the grossly inappropriate comments they must get all the time regarding starting a family.

I'm finding this thread very reassuring, knowing that everyone has to put up with stupid comments, no matter how old you are or whether married or not!
Hardly anyone knows i'm pregnant yet, but just know that lots of people people (including my parents) will think it wasn't planned, because we aren't married. I think the situation is worse for my poor friend though, she is married and has been trying for a long time. She is constantly asked when they are planning to start a family. People even comment that 'she is not getting any younger you know!'

Crawlinginmyskin I have had 3 surprises, all 2 years apart, at 19, 21 and 23. I wouldn't worry about responses, just remember you are the one who will be having the amazing children :)

If anything people will be jealous of your exciting and passionate relationship!

The other inappropriate comment is "when are you going to have another" or "why haven't you had another yet", especially at work. What if you are trying desperately hard, going through IVF or have had a miscarriage?

I've been with my husband for 7 years, I'm in my late 20s and everyone knows I've always wanted to have children. Before we announced it, I was getting asked constantly if I was pregnant and when we were going to have a baby (so rude - we were lucky enough to fall pregnant fairly quickly once we started trying, but what if we'd been struggling?).

But still my sister, on being proudly and beamingly handed an ultrasound pic by my husband and I at a special family get-together we'd arranged to tell everyone, dropped her mouth in shock and said "I take it it wasn't planned!"

She's been the only one though. My GP didn't have to ask, as she knew we'd been trying :)

I really don't like all the comments and questions from people about pregnancy. So much of it I find very unhelpful and even damaging, as I have had problems with anxiety and depression throughout the pregnancy and having people tell me that I look huge or that I won't be able to handle the birth or how horrible birth/breastfeeding/looking after a baby is makes me feel so much worse. It's nice to read that there are some people who aren't bothered by these sorts of comments and questions - but there are some people who ARE and that's not our fault, and we deserve a little thoughtfulness and respect.

People can be unbelievable insensitive and nosey. For some reason your sex life and your body become public property when you are pregnant. I've been lucky myself, only had one person, a fairly good male friend, ask if it was planned and that was in a way, checking to make sure, after congratulating me. As it took us over 3 years to get pregnant and I am 38 I think most people are clued up enough not to ask too many questions. My reply to him was 'yes, planned like a military operation'

I have lost count of the times I have been told 'oh you cant eat that, can you?' (foods which are perfectly safe during pregnancy) Like they are going to be more clued up on whats safe for ME to eat. I have done my bloody research, thank you!!

Hazelnut, think you are right about it being tougher the other way round. I had to field so many comments like that or people joking I was pregnant because I had a spot when I knew damn well I wasn't. Very hard when you've been trying for ages.

babybythesea - don't give up hope and don't rely on an ovulation kit! We had no problems with no.1 but with no.2 we struggled for a while, probably because we concentrated mainly on the "fertile period" - as soon as we threw away the ovulation sticks and believed we could be lucky at any time, we were!

Oh rocketleaf you're so right about the food thing. Having researched it properly I'm still eating runny eggs, prawns, and drinking the odd cup of tea (I used to have 8 or 9 cups a day, so having one or two and only when I really want them and now I'm out of the first trimester will be fine!). I had half a glass of fizz on Christmas Day and a few sips of champagne on New Year's Eve. I'm not eating pate (no major loss, except at Christmas), drinking (apart from aforementioned), raw shellfish or blue cheese, but everything else I'm eating. I don't want salmonella or listeria normally and it doesn't stop me having a poached egg or a bit of Brie! But people are constantly saying to me 'how much caffeine are you allowed?' when they see me drinking tea, or 'oh no, you've just eaten an EGG!!!!!' Bugger off!

The same person who asked me if the baby was planned, in front of a room full of people (all ex-colleagues - some I count as friends, some who were my bosses), said to me the other day 'oh my God ttl you don't look pregnant, you just look fat!'

I said and 'don't say that!' and she said 'well nobody wants to look pregnant do they? It's better just to look podgy - I'd just think you'd eaten a lot over Christmas'.

I said that considering I am pregnant I'm perfectly happy to look pregnant, but she kept persisting on how it's actually better that I look 'podgy'.

Are people mental?! Fed up of the poking and prodding of my belly too (perhaps people are trying to ascertain if it's a baby or just podge). Don't really mind the boy/girl questions.

Someone also asked me, totally seriously, 'so you're pregnant? Wow, how did that happen?'

Errr.... I had sex with my husband, shock horror. How he managed it God only knows!!!

i was also asked if i was keeping the baby.... i know i wasnt married but still!

i said 'well i'm 32 so what do you think?"

Smaych - amen. I don't appreciate being asked (by both men and women) if I'm 'scared' of childbirth or the pain. And being told what I CAN'T do once I have a child.

I (and my DP) have so much to think about over the next few months and these 'oh poor you it's going to be so awful' comments are unhelpful and stressful at a time that I'd like to enjoy my pregnancy.

[grumpy emoticon]

On the other hand, the people that know and love me the most have NOT asked me if the baby was planned and have not asked if I'm scared of childbirth! Funny what some casual acquaintances feel is appropriate!

asking if a person is concerned about childbirth is an open-ended question though. you can say yes, or no, or a bit.

I was a bit anxious about it and i appreciated that people understood that there was 'that side' to being pregnant that was slightly nerve-wracking.

I never know what to say to the "how long did it take" question. The correct answer is both "it happened first time" and "about 6 months" thanks to my amazing ability to get pregnant and crappy ability to stay pregnant.

We didn't find out what we wanted and I get asked what I'd like it to be a lot. As if I'm going to answer that! My favourite response is "well I'm still kind of hoping for a kitten".

Didn't get anyone asking me if it was planned, did get a lot of people asking me when we were planning to have them. Nothing like being quizzed endlessly about when you're going to have kids by a complete stranger while recovering from a miscarriage.

I know I've said thoughtless things in the past though. My new rule is never to discuss plans around pregnancy unless the other person brings it up first. Because you just never know what their situation is.

i think its rude but it did not stop me

DD's clearly middle aged pre-school teacher just annouces that she is expecting triplets and all I can say is....oh? first pregnancy?

I was so clearly IVF babies probably after many attempts.

what can I say, I do know better but sometimes we just make small talk.....

I think it's rude, but in my case, no one was intentionally malicious in asking. Almost everyone who asked whether it was planned was a colleague, not a personal acquaintance. I still thought it odd, though, as I am in my late twenties, have been married for almost two years, own my house, and am in a stable financial situation. None of our family or friends asked, as they knew how broody I had been!

Regarding other questions and bump-touching, I really think it depends on how close you are to the person asking/touching. Only my mum, sisters, and a very close friend have touched my bump, and I didn't mind. The only questions I've gotten about how long we were trying came from close friends who have had difficult TTC experiences or who are planning to TTC in the near future, so I also didn't mind. But I would find both rather rude if coming from people I didn't know very well.

I think it's generally insensitive to comment on the size of someone's bump, but again, it doesn't generally seem to be malicious, just ignorant.

What I find really rude is people who try to "out" you when you're trying to hide that you are TTC or in early pregnancy. Even if it crosses someone's mind if they see you avoiding alcohol or something, I think it's really insensitive to put you on the spot by asking. If you wanted someone to know, you'd tell them. I find it especially insensitive from those who have had children themselves, as they should know that you aren't telling as you wouldn't want the world to know if you had an early MC.

Okay, rant over!

I think it's really rude. Say "Why do you want to know?" if someone asks.

Rocketleaf, so true that you become public property when pregnant, and it's worse when the baby arrives.

I will go against the tide here and say that I don't think asking questions is rude. You can always say, 'well it's a bit private actually' and move on.

When someone announces their pregnancy, it's a big moment for them and most people want to show they're taking an interest. But tbh after 'are you finding out the sex?' and 'when's your due date?' there aren't really many places to go so people do sometimes get a bit personal. They are just taking an interest.

I love talking about babies and pregnancy and want to find out all the details. I always figure someone can tell me to fuck off and mind my own business. Compared to most of the indignities of pregnancy, labour and child-rearing, it's pretty minor.

Not so much now but definately when i was pregnant. I dont know why its anyones business surely it doesnt matter as long as the baby is wanted and loved! One very rude person once said to me 'So it was a mistake then?' you've just got to count to ten sometimes with people like that!

takethatlady and rocketleaf, yes, the worst is when they use the word 'allowed'. 'Are you allowed that cheese?' Yes, we have it at home and my mummy says it's OK. Or we could all start saying, why don't you go and read all the research as I have and then you'd know? Also it's always from strangers who have no interest in the well-being of your baby.

I'm sure the reason most people ask whether a pregnancy is planned is actually to try to avoid saying something tactless. It can be difficult to gauge whether to offer congratulations or commiserations. It's a bit like when a friend announces they are getting a divorce - do you say I'm so sorry or Well done? Probably neither until you can judge the lie of the land.

minderjinx - I'm sure most people would only tell casual acquaintances/colleagues once they were sure they were going to go through with the pgy.

Not read the whole thread but would you be offended if someone said:

Was it planned or a nice surprise?

Were you trying long?

Do you think you will have any more?

Minderjinx, my boss obviously thought like that and started by saying "congratulations, well, I assume it is congratulations?" I agree with spatchcock though, generally when you are announcing a baby on the way it is good news as you have obviously decided that you want the baby. If you wanted to argue the pro-life corner that a pregnancy that is unwanted should go to full term regardless it would still be tackless to say anything but "congratulations".

My absolute favourite when I was pregnant, after trying for 18 months, was when i was about 4 months gone. Everyone knoew straight away i was pregnant because I had such bad sickness, I couldn;t hide it. Someone said to me - as a compliment ! - it must be nice now that you look pregnant and not just fat ! How charming...

I agree that most times people aren't trying to be rude at all. I don't mind friends asking me anything, but when someone yells out across a crowded room in front of your boss 'was it planned then?' then that's a bit much!

Also agree about bump-touching. People I know really really well might ask and I can always say no. But it's when total strangers, or distantly-related pervy old uncles, just come up and grab it that I think it's a bit weird. Would they like it if I came up and grabbed their beer guts?

I think it all depends on the context, and when friends say/ask things that are personal that's fine (because we ask each other personal questions about our lives all the time). Definitely don't mind the questions about the sex or anything. But when it's strangers asking, or colleagues, or people doing it in front of people you don't know, it really is a bit far!