"Was it a planned pregnancy?"

[LuluLozenge]

Has anyone else been getting this?

I'm 32, have been with my DP for over six very happy years, and we both have good jobs.

I'm a bit taken aback to be asked this all the time - most recently by a friend's new girlfriend I'd met an hour earlier! I always answer politely but I think it's really rude.

Does everyone get this or do I just look like the kind of person who is too disorganised to use contraception?

(It WAS planned, by the way!)

[spatchcock]

I am not married either and have been asked constantly. Have also been with partner a long time - and have been talking about how much I want children for about two years!!

Have also been asked if I am getting married ... I usually say that I'm waiting for the right person.

I think people just don't have any idea they are being offensive and in many cases are probably thinking of their own situation.

[marantha]

bubbablubber, I think you may have a point.
It works in reverse, though, when people get married, there seems to be a lot of intrusive questions about, 'When are you going to have a baby?' that simply did not happen for them when living together.
I guess it's that marriage and babies still go hand in hand for a lot of people.

[takethatlady]

Yep, rude. What do they think the answer will imply anyway? It's not really anyone's business and it doesn't matter whether it was planned or not - the baby's coming, you're definitely having it, and age/job/circumstances/partner etc has really got nothing to do with it! I find it really really weird (am 18+1).

Don't even get me started on people touching and poking the bump

[murkle]

That's so true marantha! Dh and I have been married for just over a year. Haven't "gone public" about being pg yet, but keep (on and on and on) getting asked when we're planning to have children.

I'm still just smiling blandly and saying "oh, not sure really, don't want to rush into anything y'know". I suppose everyone will just assume that this is unplanned (it isn't - not that you were asking )

[Meggles76]

When I announced at work that I was pregnant with DS (he is now 7), 'was it planned' were the first words that the cow I sat next to uttered to me. She then delighted in pointing out all the ways in which it would halt my career.

I then became pregnant with DD when DS was only 8 months old and I was aksed by every next person if it was planned. People seemed to think that because I was having them close together, it must have been an accident!

It was planned and I always wanted children close together and I have no regrets!

[dinosaurinmybelly]

Very rude - it's just a step too far and makes you think exactly why they want to know? I got asked this by my MIL (while my DH was out of the room might I add) and I was outraged. I just think having children is one of the most sacred things a couple can do together and it is sullied somewhat when people try to pry into details like this.. .
Did anyone come up with a suitable response that doesn't cause offence?

[MickeyMixer]

When I was expecting twins - I was asked several times - by total strangers and family and friends --->

'Were they conceived naturally or by IVF?'

Outrageously rude and personal!!!

[amidaiwish]

i got this, my DDs are now 5 and nearly 7 and i still remember it as quite rude!

by DD2 i was more clued up and just used to say "well it wasn't an accident" or "we knew what we were doing"

[LittleOne76]

A guy at work recently announced his wife was pregnant and expecting in a few months. There's been a lot of general office chat (not involving him) where some people have asked..when did Gary get married again..? Last summer right.. ohhh - that's really really soon. I wonder why they want to do it so soon...

I don't get it...they don't know anything about Gary and his wife.. said to someone today that you never know, they may have been together for 10+ years, been talking about having kids for the last 5 and got married last year and decided to have kids straight away.

Not sure what the reaction at my work would be if someone were to have, dare I say it, a honeymoon baby...

[amidaiwish]

MickeyMixer, well my friend had triplets. her opening line used to be "conceived naturally not IVF by the way!" she got so fed up of the question/assumption

[witches]

I wasn't offended by people asking if it was planned but then I fell pregnant quickly I can understand that some people who have been trying would find it offensive. Was quite shocked at doctor's response of 'is it good news?' probably because I would never have gotten pregnant if it wasn't - contraception is quite effective if used correctly these days .
I'll be honest and say I can't remember if I'v ever asked anyone( might ask a close friend) - but since reading this and it obviously offending people I wont do it again! Also the marriage and babies thing is very true im quite young and married and as soon as we got back honeymoon the rumour mill started 'is she isn't she'. Did tell everyone we would wait a few years to try play down speculation!

[pearlym]

Someone asekd me, with first one, due on 1 October if we had got a bit carreid away over teh xmas period! We then had another one 18 months later and people asekd us if we had no Television, the implication being taht had we had tv to watch or something else to do we would not have been having sex!

[PickleSarnie]

My doctor, after first asking me why "I had waited until 34", asked me how long it had taken. My OH said I should have told him "about 4 minutes".

[jaffacakeaddict]

I think it is very rude. I hated it when people asked me if my two DSs were planned. My sex life is none of their business! Also, what would they have thought if I'd said no? Would they have assumed we'd been irresponsible with contraception (I know accidents happen but I know some other people do assume this)? Or, perhaps more likely, if I did say the pregnancy was planned would they think my career wasn't so important to me? On the other hand, if I did say the pregnancy was unplanned would they somehow think the child was less wanted? I don't think any child should be born with this stigma. I think I did answer the questions pretty honestly at the time, but would give people pretty short shrift if they asked me now I am a little older and more grumpy.

[Mibby]

I got asked this a lot.
DH had chemo before we started trying so we had to wait a while but I was stunned into silence (a very rare event) by the collegue who asked 'so was it a stored sample or a donor then'?

[pearlym]

I think people seem to think that as you are so visibly saying yuo have had sex, they cna then ask you anything they like, I too was older, 36 when preg first time and had been wiht DH for years, just too busy to get round to it and in fact got preg first time of trying, but I know some people thought either accident or years of trying with IVF etc.

Sometimes I also think other women like ot knwo how long it takes, cos they may be worried about their own fertility and wwant to somehow measure themselves against you

[firefly101]

My boss asked me this. It was planned but I just mumured something non comittal
Should have said "yep, we were just waiting until I qualified for full mat pay"

[oggybags]

The best reply is 'we just enjoy alot of sex' with a knowing look: they stay clear away from you for a good few weeks hehehe

[HelenBa]

I think it's probably just an (inappropriate) attempt to show interest - I guess when is he/she due to arrive might work better?

[BikeRunSki]

My MW and HV skip round this Q with a neat "How long have you been taking folic acid?"

[germl]

I was asked whether my first was planned - as I pointed out, having a lot of sex and not using any contraceptives can have the consequence of pregnancy - something my DH and I knew.

For some reason my DB (not really thinking about what he was asking) kept asking me if DH and I were trying for DC2 - I ignored him, but he just kept on and on and on....I finally answered with "oh for goodness sake...yes we are having sex and not using anything!!" I know he wasn't doing it to be horrible, just very tactless. I could laugh about it straight away, just think he genuinely wasn't thinking, and as we're quite an open family (my mum already knew we were trying) it wasn't too terrible.

I wasn't ever really offended by the question of whether my DC were planned - but I can see why some people might be.

[Knakard]

At a big posh work function whilt 8 mnts and mashoosive, Simon Woodroff (guy with massive side burns and puple suit used to be on dragons den) came up to me rubbed my belly [ and said and I quite - "So then sweet heart was it a long term partner or a one night stand?" !?!?!?! - and he wasn't trying to be funny he looked at me all expectantly for an answer

Dont think you can beat that one!

[TastesLikePanda]

My mum had the 'Is it good news?' question when she was expecting me 30(mumble) years ago... nice to see times have changed. Then again she had moved to a very small village and my dad was in the navy so he was away a lot of the time - so much that most people thought she was a single mother to my DB who is 4 years older than me. But then that was the 70's...

[1Catherine1]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds this offensive. I teach in secondary and one of my year 11s said "I assume it wasn't planned miss". I honestly didn't know how to answer, I was surprised by the comment and even more surprised that this child had obviously decided that I wasn't mature enough to make the adult decision of wanting to have a baby. Either that or I was being judged for having a baby outside of marriage. I replied with "I don't really think it is appropriate for you to asking me about my sex life" to which she was sufficiently embarrassed.

My parents asked the same but I think it was more excitement than anything else, I stuttered and told them we had talked about having a family but we weren't expecting it to happen so quickly - which was true.

Knakard - I think any pregnant woman would be forgiven for giving that man a slap!