"Was it a planned pregnancy?"

[LuluLozenge]

Has anyone else been getting this?

I'm 32, have been with my DP for over six very happy years, and we both have good jobs.

I'm a bit taken aback to be asked this all the time - most recently by a friend's new girlfriend I'd met an hour earlier! I always answer politely but I think it's really rude.

Does everyone get this or do I just look like the kind of person who is too disorganised to use contraception?

(It WAS planned, by the way!)

[EldritchCleavage]

I never answer. Just give a look then change the subject. I am surprised people ask but even more surprised that they expect me to answer.

[thehiddenpaw]

am about to announce pregnancy no 3 in next few weeks and am expecting this a lot. have been pondering my likely responses which at the moment range from 'none of your business' to 'why do you want to know' to 'thanks for the congratulations'. even the thought of it being said to me is annoying me already. I am also expecting to be asked do I want a girl (i have 2 boys)
and my third top questions is do I know what it is (I am used to that and my response previously ranges from yes, it is a baby to 'homo sapien' to 'please god a healthy baby')

[MistyB]

I used to want to shout "SINCE WHEN IS IT OK TO SUBSTITUTE SPECULATION ABOUT MY SEX LIFE FOR SMALL TALK!?!"

TBH - it got worse after I'd had my first and people asked if we were planning to have any more.

I am immune now.

[FindingStuffToChuckOut]

With my first the DOCTOR asked me "Is this good news?"!! I was 39, no kids whatabitch!!!

I neither planned nor unplanned mine - I just didn't use contraception & let nature take it's course - I was blessed.

But I agree it is a rude response - but I don't judge people too harshly for it. Often they get a surprise and the mouth gets working before the brain gets thinking. It is a strange thing to ask though isn't it?

[Prinpo]

I feel like these questions should bother me but they really don't. I quite like how there's something about pregnancy that makes people transgress normal social boundaries. I had the "was it planned" question at the school gates (currently pregnant with DC3) and I didn't mind a bit. Likewise with bump touching.

I understand that for some people questions / bump touching can feel like a bit of an intrusion but I also feel that there's sometimes a bit of false indignance when really we'd be disappointed if we didn't get the attention.

[lucielooo]

yep I had this a lot too.. and found it really odd and rude! It sort of seems to ask whether its wanted and presumably if you're telling people, you're going to have the baby, therefore it's wanted! And if it's not, and it's more complicated it's none of their damn business!

However, I don't mind people asking how long it took - I would imagine people that ask this are trying themselves? Perhaps they want to hear success stories to encourage them? When I was ttc I was always reassured by hearing about other people who it didn't happen overnight for.

[lucielooo]

I don't think it's rude coming from a doctor though! I think they have to ask that, because it isn't for everyone is it? Be no good if the doctor was talking about antenatal care etc and just assuming it was a good thing and actually that wasn't why you were there?

[crapbarry]

DS was planned (very quickly and badly planned, admittedly!), but as we were living in different countries and unmarried at the time, we let people think he wasn't - didn't particularly bother us at the time, but now we tell anyone who asks he was very planned and wanted!

What's pissing me off now is the "when are you going to give DS a sibling?" and "you'll be trying for a girl next, won't you?" which is equally rude!

[CupcakesHay]

Funnily enough, I was lying in bed wondering about this! I have 2 friends who are pregnant - and planning their weddings for next year, and i just kind of wondered - it seemed rude on my head to ask - and i won't but i was wondering - what came first - the baby or the wedding plans.... And was the wedding plans connected to having a baby or would they have done it anyhow...

Nosy cow that i am!

but would never dream of asking!

[violetwellies]

No one has touched my bump - Im 22 weeks so it could be mistaken for 'a bit of extra pork' (FIL's comment)
I think that ass I start growling when people enter my space uninvited, bump touching may well result in violence.
When people ask what it is I usually say 'a baby'

[Scruffyhound]

These questions dont bother me really. But then I never thought of it like so how long you been having sex? And yes that what they are asking. Maybe stragers ask as they are trying and just wanted to know how long they might have to go? And seeing you pregnant makes them think its ok to ask?! Im 29 weeks I have not had it this time really. I was waiting for the question how long have you got I have be dying to say long I have got for what? And just leave it silent...... think that would be funny he he

[BlueCrane]

We had an interesting conversation with a totally random lady in sainsburys when we went to buy PG tests...she saw what was in our basket and said 'oooh exciting evening for you two tonight then?!'. She then went on to point it out to the cashier as well and carried on chatting away as if we'd known each other for years! DH was horrified as we really didn't want anyone to see us buying the tests [trying to keep TTC quiet] and also it did occur to me that this lady had NO idea what our personal circumstances were and could've really upset us if we'd been trying for ages or it really wasn't a good time. I would never think of making such a comment!!

[FindingStuffToChuckOut]

lucieloo I would have told her! I was there for a referral to hospital/mid wives. I think as the first question it was very rude and actually it's the only thing anyone has ever said to me re pregnancy I've been upset by. The rest doesn't bother me in the slightest.

[boyscomingoutofmyears]

This question annoys the hell out of me but what was more annoying was when I told my mother I was pregnant with (planned) dc3, she assumed it was unplanned and that I wasn't going to keep it.

I now have my beautiful ds3 (6 weeks old) and everytime I walk down my street some bloody insensitive mare says "aw, I bet you wanted a girl didn't you...never mind love" .

[nicolamumof3]

yes its rude..

i've also had 'oh you must be mad having a fourth' etc...'how on earth can you cope/afford/want a fourth, etc etc

oh and also of course..

oh i expect you only want a girl don't you?

some people are so so rude. Just say congratulations and smile, i'd be quite happy with that!

[SylvanianFamily]

I refused to call my pregnancy planned on philosophical grounds: I planned to stop using contraception, but I don't feel I can claim to 'plan' children.

At the third DC my DH pulled me to one side and asked if I could kindly answer the midwives question in the spirit that she meant it - cos he didn't like UNPLANNED written on another set of notes. . it is relevant that we were young at the time.

[moonbeamrider]

The question that irritated me the most was "are you pleased?". So I used to reply, "I am, but my husbsnd is furious and wants to know who the father is!"

[Riddzy]

I like SylvanianFamily's philosophical approach!

I am also feeling this - the worst was when I emailed a very good friend telling him I was pregnant, and that we'd just had the scan and we were very excited.

His response: 'Oh you're pregnant. Was it an accident? What are you going to do about the little bastard?"

I was and have not quite felt the same about this friend ever since.

[sandmonkey]

My insane limited boundaries mother asked me, this is at 38, after being married for 12 years and in a good financial situation. Just.offensive

[BabyGiraffes]

Pregnancy seems to make people think they have a right to know really quite personal details, doesn't it? I am still at several people going round telling everyone that I was too into my career to have children (I had 5 mcs before dd1)or asking me if I wasn't leaving it a bit late... then asking if dd2 was 'planned' (no actually, a pleasant surprise after two further mcs, but thanks for asking)... and saying I must be disappointed dd2 is not a boy (wtf?) or telling me in sympathetic tones maybe I would be lucky to have a boy if we tried for a third.
Some of these from distant relatives, others from total strangers...

[BabyGiraffes]

moonbeamrider I'll remember that and hope to use that phrase one day (esp. as dh has once said if I want another I'll have to find another man...

[sandmonkey]

When my husband left the hospital room the day our daughter was born, the nurse told me that I was lucky he stayed with me considering how long it had taken for me to give him a child.......

[BabyGiraffes]

sandmonkey

[howdidthishappenthen]

Wow - loads of you are REALLY taking this to heart. The question never bothered me , but then, I never assumed that my news was the centre of anyone's world but mine. I just thought it was a hangover from a generation before unwanted babies were generally aborted, and so surprise pregnancies weren't necessarily good news and the receiver of the news might need to tailor their exclamations of delight accordingly [shrug]

[Icoulddoitbetter]

I agree agree that it's rude, and noone asked me thankfully. But, I was desperate to ask a friend a few years ago. His girlfriend of not that long was a bit nuts, insisting that they moved in together, and had told me that she coldn't possibly get pregnant as she had PCOS so there was no point using contraception. This was never formally diagnosed of course and oh, what a surprise....

But I stopped myself! And they are now married and seem happy so it's all ok.