"Was it a planned pregnancy?"

[LuluLozenge]

Has anyone else been getting this?

I'm 32, have been with my DP for over six very happy years, and we both have good jobs.

I'm a bit taken aback to be asked this all the time - most recently by a friend's new girlfriend I'd met an hour earlier! I always answer politely but I think it's really rude.

Does everyone get this or do I just look like the kind of person who is too disorganised to use contraception?

(It WAS planned, by the way!)

[fishnhips]

I had a miscarriage and the doctor asked me if the pregnancy had been planned - as if it made a difference!

[Happygirl77]

I got asked this a lot bit only during my last pregnancy. I think ir's because he's my third baby and 2 children is considered 'the norm' these days... V rude though!

[Littlesurprise]

When people inevitably ask me, I'll probably find a way to (politely as I can) avoid answering. It is rude to ask - no question.

What's just as rude to me though is when the answer is something like the somewhat self-righteous, "My husband and I have been together for x number of years"... as if the length of a relationship is proportional to the happiness in it, and how much you want and/or are ready for a/nother child. or just simply implying that married couples MUST be ttc.

I'm sorry but it's just fuel for the fire, isn't it.

[lolo99]

Miss Lolita- great comeback- I will use that one...

[PeshwariNaan]

I know this is an old thread, but this comment is a real pet peeve of mine. I think it's SO fucking rude. I'm surprised at all the people who've asked it - even people who have kids! It never would have occurred to me to ask something like that of a pregnant person.

It hasn't happened again but I swore if it did I'd turn it back on the person and ask why they need to know the dirty details so much!

[itsaruddygame]

I have only just outed myself at work and have already been asked if it was planned. Nobody has asked me how long we tried for yet though thank god!

One girl actually said she was suprised I was having a baby as I did not usually want to hold babies of other team members when they bring them in for a visit as I usually make them cry. That one irritated me somewhat but then most things she says are quite annoying!

[ladymia]

yes and i find it so rude!

i am armed with two responses should i be asked it again:

for people that don't have kids: wait until you get pregnant and you will see how infuriating this question is

for people that do have kids: why would you ask such a thing? ... hopefully that will make them think about the kind of response they are expecting.

[Jojoba1986]

The post-announcement questions didn't bother me quite as much as people asking if we were planning to start having kids yet! We'd only been married 4 years, both in our mid-20s & moved from a 1-bed flat to a house about a year before DS1 arrived but for all we knew before the BFP it could have been difficult for us to conceive! I make a point of not asking people questions like that despite being really nosy because we have several friends who we suspect might be TTC & I can't imagine how upsetting it must be to be asked if you're planning to start soon as if a baby is something you order from a catalogue!

DS1 isn't even 1 yet & already we're getting the 'so when's the next one planned for?' question! Ok, so we are TTC but still! I actually had one person announce that she keeps looking at my belly to see 'if there's anything there yet'! I haven't quite lost the baby belly from the first one & I'm even more self-concious about it now!

[NotChristmasCarol]

Thanks Badgerina- I know I'm a bit sensitive because of the unconventional circumstances but even so... the worst thing is, as I work with these people, I don't really have the liberty to use some of the brilliant fantasy responses from this thread.

"That's a very personal question!" (followed by a long pause and then a subject change) is the bravest I've been so far.

But still 15 hormone-fuelled weeks to go

It is amazing to see how common this is though!!

[Badgerina]

ChristmasCarol I'm utterly at that huge list of inappropriate comments. People just have no social graces do they.

Your mum's comment is lovely though

[NotChristmasCarol]

I know this is an old thread but i just stumbled across it and it has cheered me up no end.

Everyone knows I'm divorced (3 years) but I've kept pretty quiet at work about my love life since then (I prefer to keep these things private). I'm now 25 weeks with DD2, who was "unplanned" (as in, the guy I've been seeing and I took one chance and skipped the contraception on one occasion, which I thought would be ok as I'm 39, he's 52, it should have been an ok time of the month) but her arrival is the best news I've had in years - after a pretty crappy marriage and very traumatic divorce. I've got a good job and am financially independent so, having made my peace with DD1 being an only child, I'm now delighted with what has happened.

I'm totally open about the circumstances with my family and with my good friends- all of whom have been fantastically supportive, including my Mum who (despite probably being a bit ) said: "you are a wonderful mother to DD1 and every new life is cause for celebration."

But so far I've had, from people I barely know:

"You have a man in your life???"
"So, was it planned?"
"Was this expected or a total shock?"
"Are you going to go through with it?"
"OMG!!!! Who's the Daddy????" [in front of about 5 junior colleagues]
"Is the father still on the scene?"
"Is the father going to stick around?"
"Are you going to get married to the father?"
"Is the father going to move in with you and DD1 soon?"
"Will the father be paying child support?"

So compared to all of that, some of the standard classics ("You're SO much bigger than you were with DD1- are you worried about it?") don't bother me at all

[Vix286]

....consequences are" rather than is - sorry!

[Vix286]

I'm with MissLolita I tell them I'm old enough / clever enough to know what the consequences of sex is!

And what is it with people asking what I'm going to call it? I've started telling people I actually wanted a cat and I am naming the baby Tiddles.

Any if any touches my stomach uninvited in later stages I will not be held responsible!!!

Pregnancy hormones are raging today

[cardamomginger]

i was 39 when we had dc1. an acquaintance in her early 50s who had just become a grandmother told me that my dad must have been so happy to become a grandfather (i am an only child) because he must have thought he never would. unlike her, she went on to explain, who akways knew she would have grandchildren and lots of them.

[rocketleaf]

Snowcake - I just can't believe that!!no wonder you haven't spoken to her since. Outrageous!!!

Peachmelba- that is very funny and does make you wonder if any brain cells were engaged before mouth was opened. :o

[spatchcock]

PeachMelba - love it!

[hidgeon]

My boss asked me if I was "pleased", which is somehow even worse - tantamount to saying "I'm assuming it was an accident - are you going to keep it?"

[duchesse]

Peachmelba- . Maybe asking if it's planned is just another of those stupid bits of small talk that people trot out without thinking these days? Still breathtakingly rude and intrusive.

[PeachMelba78]

My wife and I were asked by a friend if our baby was planned.... Considering we are lesbians who used a male friend to help us - I would assume that yes, the pregnancy was very much planned! I think I answered - yes, we didn't suddenly wake up to find(my wife's name)having sex with (donor daddy)!! Fortunatly she realised her mistake and was quite embarrassed!!!

[snowcake]

@vanillamum, it will be the same for me! How is it? Are your dc okay with being in the same year. I bet you get a lot of . ROFL. I'm personally looking forward to registration time...

[snowcake]

Have dd 2y3m, other dd 4 months and am now 3 months pregnant with number 3. We always wanted more after the 2 girls but would have left a bigger gap but my DH took advantage of me when I was tipsy and I liked it... LOL

My father in law's cow girlfriend then said: how will you cope with a third so close in age to the others? Maybe best to think about an abortion as it's still early...

Needless to say I was and have not spoken to her since.

[arghh]

arghhhhhhhh! i hated this when i was pregnant, so rude, althought not quite as rude as someone asking me if the father was still around!

[1Catherine1]

ohbabybaby that with your friend is really horrible. I couldn't imagine how she feels. I happen to know my elder brothers (2 of them) and I were all unplanned yet my younger sister was planned. I know this for a variety of reasons and I think you are right, it does affect a child to know they are unplanned as it can make them feel equally unwanted. Fortunately for my elder brothers and I my mum has always said she never regrets having any of us despite everything else but I think it made a difference for her to say this to us.

[rupert1]

Why don't you just say, well that's an interesting question really and tell them that you had wild sex in a phone box not half a mile from your house with a complete stranger that your partner doesn't know yet but somehow you feel it was meant to be.Hopefully they will get the message.

[bessie26]

someone (who I didn't know very well), after I told her I was pg asked me if "it was wanted" - I was so that she would think that kind of detail was any of her bloody business I failed to give any kind of witty retort & just said "yes"