"Was it a planned pregnancy?"

[LuluLozenge]

Has anyone else been getting this?

I'm 32, have been with my DP for over six very happy years, and we both have good jobs.

I'm a bit taken aback to be asked this all the time - most recently by a friend's new girlfriend I'd met an hour earlier! I always answer politely but I think it's really rude.

Does everyone get this or do I just look like the kind of person who is too disorganised to use contraception?

(It WAS planned, by the way!)

[CrystalQueen]

My sister asked me if it was planned. SHe is normally such a thoughtful person, I was really taken aback. We had been together for 12 years, married for 8 at the time!

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

My first child is five, and i am pregnant with my second. Due to the "large" age gap, lots of people ask me whether this is a planned pregnancy. I'm 29, so I dont think I'm too over the hill yet. I do get upset at the planned comments, because it took nearly 3years to conceive this child. Ideally I'd love to reply with the fact that this is a planned pregnancy and I've cried every month for the last 2 years when things haven't happened as I would have liked.

[MrsTittleMouse]

at sandmonkey's nurse. Because, of course, that's the normal reaction to a problem that a couple face, the husband just leaves.

Mind you, I wasn't even asked if mine were planned, it was just assumed that they weren't. I suppose there's a vein of black humour in that, considering how long we were TTC and how much fertility treatment I had.

howdidthis - I never expected my news to be the centre of anyone else's world either - which is why it's so strange that people want to know all the details - why do they care so much about my sex life? And I certainly wouldn't tell anyone, even if my pregnancies were a complete shock (not surprise), because there is no way that I would want that information getting back to my children.

[thelennox]

What annoys me even more is the number of midwives at hospital who asked me after the very traumatic birth of my third child, will you be having Anymore then? I DON'T BLOODY KNOW, could the spinal wear off first before I decide do you think?!? I mean honestly.

[howdidthishappenthen]

I don't actually think people are Interrested in other peoples contraceptive planning, or in 99% of cases, anything to do with the pregnancy (apart from bosses, who are almost always thinking, 'oh arse'). They just say the first thing which comes into their minds. 30 years ago, 'oh great, was it planned' was perfectly acceptable, loads of people haven't given much thought to coming up with something new. Yes, it's a bit rude, but hardly worth a ton of angst, IMO.

[HalfCaff]

We all fell about laughing (with embarassment) when my notoriously tactless MIL asked a family friend who had two fairly close together 'Was he called, or did he come?' (Referring to the second in quick succession!) I think this may be some old-fashioned way of putting the question (she is quite ancient) but none the less impertinent. The mum in question took it with good humour and informed her that the child was indeed 'called'!

[Mishy1234]

Extremely rude imo. It's one of those things which seems to me a stock response from some people.

[jcp123]

It appears that it is now only socially acceptable for women to become pregnant between the ages of 30 and 35 (so they are neither too young or too old) and, of course, they must be happily married with a good (but not too good) job.

Any pregnancies that fall outside these strict bands of acceptability tend to be questioned by others.

I personally don't mind the questions. I'm happy to be pregnant, and have a confident upbeat attitude to the future ahead. I'm happy to let anyone know that.

[cloudydays]

I think there's a big difference between people prying or being disrepectful, and people just making conversation and trying to be nice by taking an interest.

"Was it a planned pregnancy?" is a misguided but well-intentioned effort to show interest in what is generally understood to be a happy and momentous occassion on another
person's life.

"Did you intend to get fat?" is intentionally cruel and hurtful and I find it hard to believe that any decent person could say that to anyone, much less feel proud about having done so.

[79monica]

I haven't been asked this question but anyone who knows us knew that we were planning to have children very soon. When we conceived we had been together for 12 years, married for 1 month and DH had made a subtle reference to our plans in his wedding speech.

What I get instead, usually from men, is people trying to work out the exact date of conception. I can almost see the cogs going round in their heads! My head of department even commented that we must have consummated the marriage practically as we were walking down the aisle on the way out of the church ! A comment which I thought was inappropriate but also mathematically incorrect (if he was implying that conception happened at the same time), and he's an accountant!

[Upsy1981]

I got asked by the woman on the till in Asda when I was buying my pregnancy test if I was hoping it would be positive or negative and I was a bit . Luckily, I had already done a test a couple of days before, this was a 'just in case' one to make sure before we told me mum [POAS-aholic emoticon] so I was prepared for what the result would be (and we did want it to be positive so all good) but if my circumstamces had been different I think I would have been a bit upset by that.

[MedicalEd]

I've had it a couple of times and think its rude. I just told them I thought it was a rude question.
One of the people who asked had just become a father himself for the first time so I guess he thought it was some common experience type thing.
What annoys me more though is the comments about how 'big' I am. The bump is the correct size for gestation so stop going on about how little room I have in x dress or doing the beeping noise you hear when trucks are reversing....

[Martmansmaid]

my mum-in-law asked if our second pregnancy was planned as our first baby was only 9mths old - she asked it in a room full of people, and then backed it up by asking if I was having them so close together because of my age (I was 35) I still dine out regularly on that jaw dropper and got great comfort from the sea of shocked faces she caused!! :)

[BustleInYourHedgerow]

I do think it's ok for a doctor to ask, mine was unplanned and she directed me to places, websites where I could get support. A few people asked me if it was, and tbh I was a bit surprised they even asked, because with both of us struggling to support ourselves with part-time jobs while in college, it was pretty bleedin obvious that it was a surprise. A good surprise in the end:)

[Bumpsadaisie]

I once asked someone "so were you trying for long?" It just came out, she was only an acquaintance too!

I think if people feel a bit nervous they say the first thing that comes into their heads ...

With friends I say "Well, I won't be so rude as to ask you how long you were trying for!" (at which point they invariably tell me!)

Oh dear..

[juleswill]

My MIL asked me - I had been together with DH for 6 years, married 7 months, aged 31. WTF??! I was taken aback, and think it is a very rude & prying question. Why should it be anyone's business? My MIL was weird throuhgout my pregnancy though, but that's another story! Still holding a grudge :o

[IslaValargeone]

I was asked this by the locum GP when I first went.
Then, when I replied "no" she asked if it was the result of a one night stand

[crapbarry]

Upsy - I can beat that... I bought a test from a local pharmacy when I was living in the Deep South of the US, and the woman asked me if was hoping for a positive or negative, to which I mumbled something which I presume she took to mean negative, and then she said 'well, if the father's white too, at least you won't have any problems having it adopted'

I was and didn't go back there again.

[kampakat]

My mum called me last night to tell me that she had told my Aunt our baby news...
For the record I have been with my hubby for 6 years, I am 35, I had a miscarriage 18 months ago and we were married last year...
My Aunt response...
"Really, Oh, well, I thought they would have waited..."
Waited for what exactly!?!?!?

[Bumpsadaisie]

Crapbarry

That's dreadful Sounds similar to when I lived in a small town in Greece and had to go in and buy Microgynon (over the counter) every month.

The pharmacist was a traditional Greek guy old enough to be my father and asked if I was married? When I confessed I was not, he said I ought to be if I was taking contraceptives... the shame, I was only 22.

[Upsy1981]

Crapbarry, that's awful!

[PipPipPip]

Yeah, I've been asked it loads of times.

I assumed it was because my partner and I aren't married, so I'm interested to hear that even some of you married ladies get asked too!

Or perhaps people ask when you don't have buckets of money?

Some friends of mine are wealthy and married. They recently announced that they're expecting - I bet they won't get asked whether it was planned.

It doesn't really bother me, though. I think people are genuinely interested, bless 'em.

[clairemgill]

I got this more with my first than with my current pregnancy. I was really taken aback that people would be so nosey!

Its not as bad as my friend who has an 11 year age gap between children and was asked by the MW at antenatal classes "I presume this is your new partner then?". Erm, no.

[juleswill]

Oh no PipPipPip we both had good jobs, own home etc. MIL still felt it necessary to ask! I would have minded less if someone else had asked, but I found it very strange from MIL!

[Firawla]

i think its normal for doctors to ask that "is it good news" they are not saying it to offend you! maybe if you say straight away very clearly "im pregnant and here to be referred for antenatal services at the hospital" but if you just say you've come in because you're pregnant they will ask that! it's their job, i dont think we need to be too over sensitive with it.

maybe i am weird because i dont really care if people ask me this q about was it planned or not, as long as they dont ask in a rude way eg sneering or something because of having a few kids close together, if its just chit chat then i will answer, im not bothered!