Postnatal ward - Partners staying?

[SadCupcake]

Just kinda wanted to get people's opinions on whether partners should be allowed to stay with wives and babies on postnatal wards.

And if your partner was or wasn't allowed to stay with you and baby, what was your experience like?

As I said in my previous post, on my post-natal ward there was a woman who had an additional woman stay with her and baby overnight, whom I assumed was a wife/partner.

My husband was told firmly that he was not allowed to stay.

Yet this woman had support from someone else. How was this fair? This additional woman was not a patient. But because she was female it was deemed okay?

I was too upset, overwhelmed and exhausted to say anything, but I wish I'd questioned it. I really needed my partner at that time but we followed the hospital guidelines that partners were not allowed to stay. It's just a shame not everyone felt the rules applied to them.

I don't really understand how some people can't be without their partner for a night or two

My dh stayed with us as I have a disability. He was with us the whole time but never bothered anyone else and fed himself down in the canteen etc. I couldn't have done it without him. I think it should be each case on its own merit sort of thing.

@ LittleScottieDog
** The other woman staying with the patient may have been a social worker/support worker.
They sometimes stay with mums on the postnatal ward before a case goes to court.

@intheprime

Some people just don’t want to make any allowances! My sibling was badly damaged at birth leading to a life long disability. My mum was on a ward with others but struggling immensely with what had happened to her/my sibling.

Could you imagine if they sent my dad away? Just left her there on her own crying all night with no comfort/support

• people are the worst!

@mrdarcy
Love the name! I don't think there can ever be a blanket rule for something like post natal care as each case can be so different and sensitive in its own way

No one is suggesting that people with disabilities who need additional support should be denied it. That's the kind of situation that private rooms should be used, clearly. That's not the same as a blanket rule that partners can stay on curtain bay wards 24 hours.

DP stayed with me throughout my induction, three days / two nights but went home the night after baby was born. I would have loved him to stay but I actually enjoyed the time with just me and baby. DP was back first thing in the morning (9am ish) to take us home.

I presume mrdarcy you have not had a baby or experienced a post natal ward?

If you had you may have been exposed to unpleasant behaviour by men staying overnight. And you may be able to imagine why we do not want men to stay overnight.

But even if you can’t muster up any empathy consider this:

Just because your DH is a doctor it may not stop some bastard staring at your tits as you try to breastfeed at 3 in the morning. And no, your DH may not be allowed to shut the curtain.

Or how about some random bloke sitting right next to you, just separated by a curtain as you spread your legs to get your stitches checked or a catheter removed. And no, your DH will not be allowed to ask him to move.

Or how about your DH has nipped put for a cup of tea, you need to shuffle to the bathroom, you are dressed only in a hospital gown, you have to walk down the corridor at 2am, there are no staff, you are pretty sure you may leak some blood, you are not wearing a bra, and lo and behold, you have to stagger past some six foot bloke who you have never laid eyes on before. He could be a saint, he could be the kindest man in the world. Or he could be a bastard who is looking at you like you’re a piece of meat. The problem is you don’t know.

Can you possibly stretch your imagination to understand why the majority of people on here do not want men in wards overnight?

I had a c section and was paralysed from the chest down until the following day. DH popped out to the vending machine and the baby cried so I buzzed for help, only to be told that “policy is you have to look after your own baby”. If DH went home how could I have looked after my child?

I sent my OH home so he could get some decent sleep and be more useful during the day. No point both of us being broken! The midwives on my ward were really helpful in the night when I needed help.

If you've had a particularly traumatic birth or some bad news then that is what the side room is for. They can then stay without intruding on anyone else.

Thankfully the ward I was on last time didn't have anyone staying overnight but I've just discovered it is hospital policy. Actually dreading my next birth now and I think it's so wrong that you could have a random bloke/woman sat less than a couple of meters away from you and your baby all through the night, separated by a curtain and there's nothing you can do about it.

If we're going down the 'my partner is there to support me' route then how is it different to someone else on a different ward who has perhaps had bad news, a nasty operation or treatment, etc?? It's not hospital policy there. They are a patient. In hospital for a medical reason. It should be the same on a post natal ward. Visiting hours are there for a reason- and should be stuck to, in the interests of everyone.

No no no no no. Nearly walked out of hospital with my baby, cannula still attached to me because of a snoring man who slept day and night. NOONE would tell him to leave and after several days I thought I was actually going to die from lack of sleep.

@payperview I’d have just screamed SHUT UP! until he stopped!

DS1 was born in the early 80's by ECS, the hospital had a night nursery, so no babies on the ward overnight. If your baby needed feeding a care assistant came and fetched you (helping you walk after cs) and took you to the nursery. They had comfy chairs for feeding mums and it was very relaxed. You went back to bed after the feed and care assistant changed baby. This meant everybody in the ward had a good nights sleep without being kept awake by other peoples babies and no need for any fathers to stay and help.

A much better system than I had a couple of years later in a different hospital with DS2 (natural birth) with all babies in the ward overnight, therefore constant crying and no sleep at all!

No well baby nurseries at all anymore. People might not be able to bond to their babies is how it goes, apparently. It's a wonder any of us born before rooming in loved our parents at all.

That sounds bloody fantastic

My hospital have a separate ward for women who want their partners to stay which I think is a good idea.

I had a traumatic birth and found it psychologically very hard to stay at hospital for the night totally alone afterwards. I needed support badly.

Also it can be very difficult if you’ve had a long labour through an entire day and night to have gone over 24 hours without any sleep then be responsible for a newborn baby. Ime there were no midwives or staff available to help, so having a partner stay helps in that respect.

So yes I think it’s great for women to have that option, however I do understand a lot of women would not like a ward with men wondering around so it should always be an option

I don’t think partners should stay at all in a multiple bed curtain ward. That’s for patients. But if it was allowed, I’d feel more comfortable with a female than a male partner. Women as a class do not present the same risk to other women that men as a class do.

Surrogate “dads” have no legal status, unless one is married to the mother anyway, so no locus to stay at all.

My husband is also the loveliest kindest and most caring man you could meet. He’d never ogle other women or act in an entitled manner. But it’s BECAUSE he’s like that that he would never stay in a ward with other women as he’d appreciate his presence could make them uncomfortable.

mrdarcy the fault there is with the hospital who did not have private provision for a mum in those circumstances. You should be ashamed of your “people are the worst” comment. What gives you the right to apply that judgement to vulnerable women who have gone through physical and emotional trauma, may be in pain, already suffering indignities, bleeding, leaking milk, struggling to feed?

I hope you breeze through birth easily. But if you don’t, you might just understand why many women don’t want their privacy, dignity, safety and comfort compromised by the presence of random men!

Can I just chip in and say that I also 100% agree that what the NHS needs is more, better staffing- but what is actually happening is terms and conditions are being attacked so wildly by our own middle-managers, whose only concern is 'the bottom line' (and screw you and your work/life balance; here's your next 12 week rota of 13 hour day shifts, even though you're 55... and actually signed up as part-time, 9-5...).. that the NHS will absolutely not be able to meet any staffing targets, even plundering third world countries with their sometimes worryingly under-qualified staff.

My main surprise is how long the NHS has been able to limp on as it is!

And mrdarcy- you sound like a classic 'doctor's wife', every caricature of same....

I had my D'S by ECS nearly 25 years ago. I was in a 2 bedded side room as both me and D'S needed extra support. I had the usual kit for my condition, catheter, blood transfusion etching and struggled to walk, lift and feed the wee one. I had a pessary inserted after the birth to make my bowels move and in the middle of the night I woke up in a pool of blood and shit. I was so embarassed with the indignity of it, although the staff were fantastic. I can't begin to imagine how I would have felt if that had happened in an environment where there were men present, men who had not experienced any medical procedures, sitting on facebook updating their status about the shitting woman in the next bed.

My feeling is a post natal ward is for medical care, not for the convenience of partners or other relatives. Giving birth is a medical procedure and I believe the women who are going through this procedure are not only entitled to peace, privacy and dignity but actually require it as part of their care.

I've just finished watching Manhunt and can't get Levi Bellfield out of my head and the thought that someone like him could be wandering around a ward unaccounted for and not challenged because the father's experience trumps the dignity and respect of women.

This thread has made me really sad.

While I totally agree that the ward should be a patient-only space, as long as the policy is that the nurses won’t help you look after your baby, some patients will need partners to be there because they’re not physically capable of looking after the baby themselves.