OK, look away now if you're still thinking about sneezing and fluffy white cotton towels.
I was induced thursday morning at half ten, had a couple of light contractions but frankly "boring" - and moved very slowly. At half three or so they gave me a double dose on the cervix. Again, a couple of very light contractions - in fact I fell asleep.
At 5pm I awoke to a couple of stronger contractions approx 5 minutes apart. By quarter past I buzzed the nurse and told her it was getting serious... I don't think she believed me. By 20 past 5 my contractions were less than a minute apart and of course I'd had no pain relief - I was quite scared and the consultant came in to the room as she'd heard me screaming... at which point they started taking me seriously.
As rots said, nurse offered me paracetamol. I told her to stick it up her arse... what a surprise it was when she stuck it up MINE!
Given another internal - screaming in agony - earlier in the day I'd had two people give me an internal - nothing. They decided to put in a catheter - I knew it would hurt a little but clearly something was going very wrong with my body and I was in agony and begging them to take it out. (They didn't). I yelled at the nurse who was running CTG scans on my abdomen because the elastic around me was so, so very painful.
Waters not burst and no dilation. Team suddenly getting very worried as both mine and baby's hb halved. I threatened to jump out of window. I had drips in both arms and a catheter so was severely limited for movement although did take myself off to the toilet as I felt like I needed a poo - also hoped big push would break waters. Jailbait said the next day that he knew I'd been in serious labour when I "marched" down the corridor snapping "I don't care who sees my fucking minge!".
Decision made for c-section - they were asking jailbait for permission because I was totally delirious and had "given up" and gone limp and floppy.
Team scrambled and was taken in to theatre at 7:51, as I was being wheeled in they were still trying to decide between epidural and G&A. I'd heard that epidurals are very painful to receive. Lies.
Baby born at 7:59. Jailbait in scrubs sat by my head - we talked shit about the dogs. He was absolutely terrified. Felt my body being wrenched from side to side. He was taken to the room next door where the paediatritians were waiting. Baby had the cord around his neck and was a dark grey colour. Jailbait told that his first few breaths had been very hard going. From where I was being sewn up (and tbh, past caring - they could've started cutting bits off me) I heard a mewling and then a big scream - which made me happy. Jailbait dropped to his knees in tears and accompanied baby up to neo-natal unit.
He stayed there less than 20 minutes as he was begging to get back to me. They let him in to recovery once I was stitched up and he had the camera with me so whilst I regained the feeling in my body he was able to show me photos of my son.
At 10pm or so I was taken up to neo-natal and encouraged to have skin-skin contact with him.
Back on ward consultant gynae/ob came to explain that they didn't know what happened. There was not one significant enough factor at play and whilst the cord had been around his neck it hadn't been tight enough to cause such trauma... I'll make a textbook!
So basically my bits are in fine working order because nothing fucking happened to them.
Anyone else pass clots the size of a pack of butter? No? Just me? Oh well then...