January 2009- Help! A toddler ate my baby!

[hackneyzoo]

I told you it was a lame title.....

Obviously I am a member of the secret club as well, not a very well kept secret nowadays though as half the thread knows.

Forgot to say, I won't be coming to the meet up. With ds1 the way he is at the moment, I think we just need to have a quiet unexciting week. There's also the possibilty that dh will be called in for a company meeting even though he has booked the day off. So I'm out I'm afraid. Hope you all have a great time though.

grrr. Can't make meetup as we have Chinese new year lunch with friends I haven't seen in over a year. AND I'm a member of the WWT so tis no effort either.

HZ glad all ok, I'm afraid I'm off to Devonia tomorrow evening, so won't be around at the weekend, but have half term next week so have both of them ALL WEEK.

Books, hope you manage to get some sleep for worry. H had weird panting the night before his party and I had a terrible night with just that. You are all very brave ladies dealing with far worse. I'd definitely be a wreck!

Lenni, the perfect job will turn up soon.. you have to do some cosmic ordering. lol.

Dog, you are making me broody. glad your folks are on the mend and happy birthday for tomorrow. hope your birth story is at hand!

missJ glad you are enjoying the blog!

Pat, still didn't manage to post him today as he is too big for the envelopes we could find, but have a plan and will get him off to you first thing tomorrow.

I spent 4 hours today photographing all the stock for my baby shop and am knackered and still not finished. This having your own business malarky is not what it's cracked up to be. Off to go and remove the backgrounds from the images.

By the way, if anyone is interested in the weaning kits/bibs/nutrition posters, let me know through the site and I'll do a deal on them.

night all x

OMG- just cried buckets at that programme, and YES, that bloke was an absolute twat!!!. It actually made me want to do it again and that poor baby with his bowel outside. So horrible that she couldbn't see him for hours, I hardly let go of mine once they were out!

Lenni- I don't fancy bender, but I am more than up for a drink, weeknights ok usually except tues or sometimes do A-level tutoring on a weds evening.

Dog- so great the op went well and Maddie went to someone great. 11 weeks already, Eeeeeeek. Yep, hotel Pat still functional but can you sleep with your two older ones in a double bed or do you want me to borrow an airbed for DD1??? Happy birthday smiler for tomorrow, she is a month and 3 days younger than Z !!!

I have a had a little companion watching tv with me tonight....... ok, tree, you better own up to the fact that you have smuggled H into my house and dressed her up as Z, what is this not sleeping lark???????????????

Pat, I have a little friend here interfering with the laptop as well. She fell asleep at tea time unfortunately and is now VERY wide awake. Unlike her mother.

No worries 120, I am super-excited!!!! As I said let me know about the postage, sounds manic your end. shame about the meet-up, especially as you are a member, is there one in london[thick emoticon??].

HZ- Pah to marking!!!

Lenni- research thing sound good. How long has your masters taken I was a bit today when my deputy head told me hers took her 5 years. I was kind of hoping to get mine done by the time Z goes to school.

moose- I just can't cope with it. In my house babies are put to bed at 7pm and they let me have a ruddy evening......its the law!!! DH would not have been happy but he is out all evening so I won't mention it[shhhhhh!]

Same here bed for 7.00, asleep for 7.30 then its time for Mummy's peace and quiet . Unfortunately the boys haven't made it to bed before 8.30 two days in a row and it seems their sister has decided bedtime is not for her either.

yes there is Pat - Barnes wetland centre. They don't have flamingoes though! Oooh. might try and paint one of those next!

I have no tv. stamps foot. I want to see it too. can I get it on t'internet? what was it called?

We were very stern with H re night waking and had a week where DP just kept putting him back in his cot no matter what (whilst I cowardly stayed in our room with fingers in my ears going lalalala). It is hideous. Something to do with them being too excited about walking/talking/exploring to sleep. grrr.

Must do some work. This thread is ace, and loads really quickly. The other one kept crashing on my pc.

Oh, and the really great news is I turned up at nursery today and they said,

'Oh hello Pat, just to let you know that 4 DC's have gone down with the pox, errr DD has had it already hasn't she......?'

'Errr, no, great, look forward to that one'

This may explain why she has been such a wench. I am waiting with baited-breath.

She does have a manky eye at the moment though, with I am wiping with breast-milk (which she loves obviously) every few hours....'but mummy, I don't want your booby milk in my eye'

120- 'one born every minute' there is loads about it on the internet I think it has a special site. you may be able to download clips??

I am failing on the night waking at the moment, Z keeps crying for like half an hour at a time and I can't deal with that, it grates me big time.

Flamingoes rock But they also stink!!! You should come to Slimbridge on a painting mission, they have otters too now, loads to choose from!

Moose - I know of many on that board who have similar dx for their DCs. Have you ever come across this site? There are others but this is probably the best used. It is a lonely experience often with ASD since each child is so unique. And as you are more than aware there are good times and worse times with each child too. This too shall pass as all good MNers say. Lots of hugs though since you sound like you need them.

Oh - cross posted - er lots

Pat - It's taken me.... drum roll.... 4 years!! Ha! I have had 2 babies in that time though. Think I just agreed to do another one next year in research though, have to do that one in a year though. Hopefully I might get a job with it. Maybe this is cosmic ordering, I'm not sure.

Not sure if you want to be made aware of this but I am pretty sure regular milk does the eye thing too, just in case you wanted to save the breastmilk for Z. I seem to vaguely recall it just being the live bacteria rather than any antibodies that do the job - yoghurt would work too but a little messy.

Am also loving you calling your DD a wench! Brilliant. I might adopt that for my own.

OK - caught up and you've all buggered off. Typical. Guess I'll have to do some work after all.

Thanks Lenni. Haven't heard of that site before, will have a look.

Ds's Paediatrician suggested we should spend some time on the NAS website, which I have read a lot of useful information on, but I haven't got around to checking out any of the forums it suggests as yet.

Its weird really, as even though I KNOW that is what the problem with ds is, I tend to think that I don't have a right to ask for help/guidance as others are much worse off. I think that's probably at the root of my 'projection' re the SN threads really.

You are right, it is a lonely experience and it really shakes my world when he is going through a bad time with it. It think its hit us harder this time as he has been so much better since he's been gluten free and this seems to have come like a bolt from the blue. Dh and I are now questioning whether we have just been in denial or glossing over things that have come to a head as a result.

Thank goodness its half term next week and we can give him some much needed downtime. (Mind you, then its parents' evening and I am so not looking forward to that this time.)

Ho hum, as you say, this too shall pass.

Thanks for the hugs.

Am off to bed, have promised myself and dh I wouldn't be in bed after 10.30 this week - oops!

moose, just re-read and saw I cross posted with you earlier. really sorry you are down. its amazing how these children can manage to wring new depths of both high and low emotion from us without any control on our part.

like the sound of otters Pat

right. am now closing m'net so am not tempted to keep sneaking on and chatting!

The NAS website is brilliant for information but I find it a little dry when you are used to MN iyswim.

Try not to feel that way about asking for help - no matter what there are always others worse off, it is the nature of life. Their (the worse off people) normal is different so they don't feel how you would expect when you aren't in their situation if that makes sense. People adjust to their situations and cope and it's only when things get harder for some reason that you really pay any attention to what is normal.

I think you are definately on to something with the diet with DS1 but try to remember it isn't a cure, it is likely a trigger but there will be other triggers too. Perhaps he is tired atm with being near to the end of term? This time of year is the worst for tiredness in kids I found as Christmas is not a restful holiday and with dark nights they aren't getting as much physical activity so are generally more lethargic. Tiredness was a major trigger for many of the ASD children I worked with.

I never really know whether to offer any help/advice tbh as I'm coming from a completely different side of things to you. I have lived in with a couple of jobs so do have some experience of what is like to live with caring for children with ASD but the mere fact that they weren't my children gives enough detachment to make it a lot easier to deal with. It must be a million times more frustrating for you as you are his Mum and want the best for him.

Thank Lenni

Yes, ds is very tired and he's got man flu a cold, so both will have had an impact, but we've just found out about some stuff that's been ongoing for a while and we weren't aware of.

The diet thing is odd, feels a bit like it might be a red herring, as although he dramatically improved when he came off gluten, his digestion has returned to its old ways in line with his behaviour change over the last couple of weeks and we have been unable to identify even a trace of gluten that he might accidentally have ingested. We do know he accepted a cake of a boy at school a few weeks ago, but I can't seem to find any info about how long the physical and behavioural repercussions of this uncontrolled 'challenge' might last.

Any help or advice is always appreciated, as you said it can be pretty lonely being the Mum of an ASD child as most people just don't understand what it is/means and so you can't discuss it with anyone. Even my mum who is a clinical psychologist doesn't really have a handle on it and gets all 'well just tell him, set tougher boundaries, you can't let him get away with that etc etc'.

I have made a conscious choice not to try and cover it up and if it comes up in conversation with people I will try to 'educate' them about ASD a bit, if the opportunity presents. I mentioned it at my coffee morning last week and the other mums seemed to think that ds must spend his days hand flapping and head banging and be underachieving at school (either that or a superbrain like rainmain) I did explain the whole idea of the spectrum to them and where ds sits on it, but was a bit that one of them said she is a primary school teacher and had a boy with ASD in her class last year, yet clearly didn't have even the smallest clue what that meant.

Anyway, after yet another night of practically no sleep, another day dawns. Let's see what it brings.

I'll get off this topic now as I don't want to snarl up the thread.

I wouldn't have said the gluten is a red herring, it is likely a contributing factor, you will know more once it has been tested out properly. Gut issues are often caused by stress of some kind (intolerance to food causes the body stress) but external factors will also have an impact. It goes back to the old fight/flight response thing, you know yourself I'm sure what happens to dogs when they are stressed it is just the same for humans.

I would recommend this book if you haven't come across it. There are loads of these kind of books now, Curious Incident being the catalyst, but this one has a nice humour to it and has similar values to your own in celebrating ASD. IMO you are very right to ignore those who are insisting you be firmer with him. You do need clear boundaries though and tangible consequences as I'm sure you well know. As his mother you have a completely different role to others in his life as you are there for nurturing, he doesn't need you to be a disciplinarian. You will probably find until he is much older that you (and DS2 by the sounds of their relationship) are the only person he relates to well on an emotional level and it's really important for him to maintain that.

Anyway I'll also get off this topic, I could talk about it forever. Am childfree now too so need to work. Must get my head round a new bit of research my second marker has just published, grrr, why do they always do this just when I might be finished reviewing. Perhaps I'll go and procrastinate have a shower instead.

So come on, what's this thread secret that I hear whispering of? Guess I will have to wait until the meet-up to find out! (chinese burns, anyone? )

Am watching one born every minute on 4od - that guy Steve is surely going to be the most detested man in Britain this morning?!!

I have that book on my 'waiting to be read' pile in my bedroom.

I'm currently reading Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Aspergers and Brenda Boyd's Parenting a Child with Aspergers and Appreciating Aspergers Syndrome all at the same time, as well as dipping in and out of What Women Do. I have an ever increasing pile of 'waiting to read', accompanied by a huge list of 'would like to read when I get the chance' books.

We are consistent with boundaries, forutnately that's just the way we've always parented. He is currently on a week without his beloved Nintendo due to 'events' which occurred on Monday in a situation where he knew the 'good' behaviour to choose but deliberately chose the 'bad' one then insisted he didn't care and would do it again! Lovely little boy he's been this week.

I have a hard time stopping myself being too strict with him though. I know I'm too hard on him sometimes and way too shouty at the moment. He has an incredible ability to push my buttons, but then again, don't most children know just which of their parents' buttons to press? Its tough, I have such a different relationship with him than I do the other two, less lighthearted and tactile/cuddly, but in a lot of ways deeper. Hard to explain, except to say that he is very, very special and I love him sooo much, but at the same time we seem to grate against each other a lot. Maybe we are too alike? He definitely thinks I love the other two more, which is so wrong. The other day he told me he thought I didn't care about him because I shouted at him and I had to explain how I get cross because I DO care, not because I don't. Its so hard to explain to a child, let alone one with ASD though.

Got him to draw pictures of how he feels at home with each member of the family and at school in each situation yesterday and he drew a lovely smiley one of being at home with me, with a rainbow and fresh green grass. Then we had a chat about the pictures and he basically said he feels safest and happiest at home with me, so that's reassured me a lot.

Anyway, I said I was getting off this topic, didn't I? Ooops! Sorry.

Oi! MissJ, you been teaching my ds2 bad habits? He 'chinese burned' his brother last weekend!

Agree MissJ, I'd have had him escorted off the premises if he was my dh.

Forgot to say, dd has started to blow kisses - its sooo cute!

afternoon

hkz - glad all going ok

mm - sopunds like u have more stress your end!!

books - oh

we enjoyeed jolly babies
enjoyed food shop in tresco last nite off to have pizza for lunch

If you ever want to add to your waiting to read pile this thread has some great links to alternative ways to deal with challenging behaviour. It is a little bit earth mother ish though so if you aren't that way inclined then just raise a WTF eyebrow