August 2008 - Things That Shout 'Mum' in the Night

[UndeadLentil]

Ta da ...

Thanks Steaky, yes i would be expected to do all the household jobs if i had a job too.. between dd1 and dd2 i actually worked full time at his business.. so we went to work together, came home together and i had to get all the household jobs done as well as the early morning and wakeup with dd1...

should of known it would come to this.. he loves being the married man with the lovely girls, but in reality he is still living like a single bloke doing his own thing except now he has a slave to do the cooking and cleaning..

he loves spending time with the girls but on his time and his rules iykwim... plays with them in the morning when i have shower, when he gets back from work.. helps with bathtime and puts dd2 to bed.. but after that its me..

LOTI for you and I don't have much time but just to say quickly that you should get a job if you want or need to get one, not because you think it will force DH to stop being a w*er about this. Did someone say to you before (or maybe it was someone else) the suggestion of making out a list of all the things that are done in the house / as part of looking after the girls and at a point where you guys are not angry with each other, sit down with the list and say OK let's figure out who's going to do what. You can then say OK I know I will be doing weekly shop, daily this, second daily that, or whatever, and he can see how long your list is. It's also an opportunity for him to say what he will do and it would be pretty shaming for his list to be at zero. Could you also have a sort of rota (I mean not that formal but something) showing maybe e.g. if he plays football on a Sat, you get a lie-in on a Sun or whatever?

I also think you should try just booking in the time for yourself. E.G. you said he went out on Sat and was gone overnight. What would he say if you said I am going out next xday so can you be home at 7.30 please? We had a meltdown here one time and I howled at dp "you just go off for a run whenever you feel like it, I can't do that you know" and he looked genuinely puzzled and said "why not? Any time you want to go for a run just say so."

Sorry I am fielding brekker here.

really quickly as i should be gettig girls dressed.. totally hear what you are saying vg.. trust me i have tried BUT HE IS NOT INTERESTED... he thinks because he works he should be entitled to stay in bed,not need to work about household things and wouldn't know how to even feed the girls.. has never ever made them a meal, bar scrambled eggs but i was in the kitchen making the toast with him..

i've reached crisis point here... im not even sad right now just ...

thank u for listening tho, i've got no one in rl to talk to about this

Sorry - of course you have tried these things. A rather hasty post by me.

It's completely unacceptable that he can't make supper for his daughters, that is pretty shocking. What about you going out in the evening, is that a runner? No-one can be on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It means you can never switch off, never relax - because let's face it even sleep is not the same these days, even when you are asleep you've actually left one tiny part of your brain switched on in case you are needed.

Crikey LOTI I so know about working together - but that's a whole other rant storyt.

I am obviously not the world's expert on what makes a marriage work but I can tell you where I can see some of the things that I did that didn't help.
I believe that each person in a couple has a responsibility but can also be complicit in allowing the other persons bad behaviour to go unchecked and so helping to land themselves in situations they don't like.

For example when we lived in GC I didn't mind that much if he went out and stayed out, even when DD was newborn. Because, I had friends that I could go out with too and because there was always a reason for him to go out - someone leaving the island or whatever - and I knew we were only there for a few months so it seemed petty to say no.
The upshot was that he thought I didn't mind in ANY situation. So in France he was genuinely bemused that I did mind and that I did make a fuss.

For the chores thing, VGs idea sounds good. Have you tried talking to him along the lines of "I need help" rather than "you must do this" So that he is put in a position of fixer. Maybe a list of things you need help with and some ideas of solutions he can choose from.

Help with cleaning - he can help, or get a cleaner (cost it out too)
That way you are kind of being proactive about finding solutions and giving him a choice.

But for today - can you find one thing that it doesn't matter if you don't do it and just don't so you are not so overwhelmed.

I really am v [hangy] and for you.

Oh dear, I didn't mean that to sound like it is your fault, just that it is hard to expect someone to change what or how they do things when the status quo involves you acting a certain way.
So perhaps what I am, very clumisly, trying to say is that you need to change what you do to help him change what he does.

Are you on FB Loti?

thanks steaky and vg... it nice to be able to vent and try and get things out of my head...

this situation has been going on for a very long time and i guess i feel like i have come to the end of the line..

silly things like having to wake him up in the the morning.. had to call him at 8am, i had been up at 6.30 after less than 5 hours is just ridulous...

he just doesn't seem to understand that i cannot function on so little sleep... when he came home on sun after his time out he was hung over and feeling sorry for himself.. i had been up since silly o'clock incuding wake ups every hour from dd2 and never once asked me how i was if i needed a break anything..

re doing things around the house dds etc he feels like he does enough he has to work you know, therefore feel entitled to do the bear minimum..

reason for maybe going back to work for me would be purely financial.. we are coping at the moment, quite well infact thankfully but it feels like i should be grateful that he works???

sorry massive dribble but thanks again for listening.. am on fb steaky by the way x

If you are friends with any of this random lot of ladies then I should be able to find you - just give me a hint.

If you want of course.

loti just wanting to add my recognition that he is, in fact, being a cunt.

Strongly suggest that you stop doing anything for him, at all. No washing, no cooking, no picking up after. Concentrate on you and the girls, since it doesn't look like anyone else is going to.

Prick

Sazz sorry to leave you hanging with tales of my soft play rage there, I felt RAF last night so went to bed early. Basically it was half term and the place was swarming with hopped-up bigger kids. First some out of control hellion 3yo deliberately hit my darling PFB in the face with a ball (not hard enough to bother DS, but definitely premeditated ) - I didn't get involved but gave him the 'I know what you did' stare. Then a little girl in one of those cars you sit in and push along with your feet was a total madam to me for no reason, and when I remonstrated with her she barged into me with the car! So I pushed the car back rather sharply and she looked quite shocked [guilty lol] I'm not proud of losing my temper but you can't behave like that when there are littler ones toddling about. Not to mention the rude factor.

steaky initials sh x

LOTI so to hear it has come to this. Do you think with 7-8hrs a sleep a night that you think you actually want to be with someone like this? Also, do you find it easier to run the household when he is away, more relaxed & fun and less stress and 'atmosphere'? If so, i would seriously consider how this situation is best for you and your family . If you think he will listen, grow up and act like a husband, father and lover should, then great. If not then you cannot continue to live being belittled and treated as a household skivvy and nanny. This is just not right .

Please don't make any rash decisions and i am not advocating the MN line of 'just kick him out' because it is always more complicated than that. I would definitely recommend leaving him with the DC's for a time. I swear it is the only way. DH used to think it was cushy being on ML until he tried it. I have to remind him every so often by going away for a day LOL, but even after a weeks holiday being in 50:50 charge he was ready to go back to work, in his words 'for a break'. I fear not doing household stuff will alienate him further (although he deserves no less) and the ONLY way to see your massive contribution to the house is to walk in your shoes for 24-48hrs.
Good Luck and big {{{{{hugs}}}}

cyteen ah, you used the 'death stare'. A staple requirement in soft play

We had a pretty good night - DD1 got up at 12.30 and went for a wee and came and told us . Paddy just about averted on return to bed. DD2 awake at 2.30 shouting the odds but went back off after 10 mins, awake again at 6ish but just grumbling until DD1 went into her room with a tissue because she heard DD2 coughing . DD1 dry in the morning and had 6 stickers

Car now packed (thanks to Mamma Mia ) and ready for the off, washing backlog all cleared and DD1's party invites posted. Not sure what to do now, i might have to go and get a cuppa and sit down

Oh, and can an FBG please tell me how to make a Hello Kitty Cake. Just a face. What cakes should i do and how do i make rollable coloured icing (or can one buy this ready made?) TIA

thanks for you words of advice sazz.. just been to the gym to burn off some angry but as it was interupted my stupid texts still angry...

it would seem that it is all in my head, "i'm tired emotional and don't eat enough oh and a bit dippy" grrrrrrrrrrrrr

anyway, i am so sorry to bring the thread down so onwards and upwards

Glad to hear you got a bit of time out loti, but christ alive, why can't he just leave you alone for those precious few minutes you have for YOU . Next time switch the phone off

I am off now to see family & friends, back Sat, although may be on in the meantime when if i get early wake up calls at Mum & Dads as DD2 will be sleeping in the study

Have a lovely rest of week

Au revoir.................

So sorry to hear of your strife loti. V. and for you. We have a deal whereby Monday to Friday, DH gets to concentrate of work and I take the weight re: the girls (although he does do bathtime/bedtime when he's able to, the responsibility for covering everything lies with me iyswim). HOWEVER, at the weekend it's 50:50 all the way. Yes, DH has to do work at the weekend sometimes (as do I), but by compartmentalising work and family time it helps a lot to find a balance.

If you don't need to work for the money that means, presumably, that you could do something that just sounds interesting rather than pays well? Or volunteer work? While I don't really enjoy my job per se, I do enjoy going to work a few days a week. I also enjoy the girls more for the absence and I know that DH finds me more interesting for having something other than children to talk about as well as the feeling that he's not carrying the full financial burden alone. The latter point might not be well-served by volunteer work but it would the others. Any mileage?

Wow MrMarathonVG. That's an amazing time!

LOL hotter at getting up and hour early for work. Is that better or worse than being an hour late??

A few days ago now oops, but still at your ILs view of your pregnant self. Do you think that by choosing to have more than one child they feel there is an implicit criticism of their having just the one? Was it an issue for them?

Glad you had a decent journey home sazzles. Hope today's goes well.

your situation at home sounds good poppy i wish it was the same here ..

i am 100% more than happy to do monday - friday not a problem.. its the weekends that kill me.. for him he doesn't get up on either day at the weekends, gone from 12.30 on sat for footie ( not that i mind so much as its nice for him to have it).. the battle for him wanting to go out at least one night at the weekend and then the gloomy face on a sunday when he knows we have the kids all day..

he loves the girls of that i have no doubt but just don't think he is cut out to be a full time dad.. even his eldest daughter my sd has said that she is glad he didn't bring her up ....

Does DH have any good friends who are hands-on fathers who you could recruit to sing the praises of spending time with little ones, loti? What do you think about the idea of a job/volunteering?

A more drastic approach might be to just say that you're going away this weekend (would need to be pretty immediate so that he coudldn't talk you out of it), say someone else needs you - friend, parent etc. You just leave the house and leave him to it. I wouldn't suggest something that could put your girls in peril - I bet he could manage absolutely fine if he had to. That would prove to both you and he that it is possible both for you to have a break and for him to be hands-on. Could it be that he lacks confidence that he could do it, never having done before (not that he woudl ever admit it I'm sure )?

most of his friends don't have children or if they do, the partners seem to do most of the work..

serious about job or something definitely.. i know he could look after the girls if he had too.. he tells me many times all the things he did for dd1 ( which wasn't) much.. he just doesn't want to.. its my job in his opinion.. i am just going around in circles.. did ask him to give me some space but he he moaned about where he would sleep and "what about the girls"?... told him to stop bullying me as he is just trying to get me to back down and go back in my little corner and i am determined not to this time.. i always back down for peace and just feel that now if i don't make a stand i will just be in this miserable bubble forever and thats just not an option!

thanks for your kinds words and advice poppy xx

LOTI just don't know what to suggest. I just want to second cyteen that he is being an arse. In my house, I do the vast majority of the work, but that is because dp works very long days with a long commute on top. BUT he does do some of the cooking during the week, we each get a lie in at the weekend as well. I know that if he worked closer to home he would help a lot more, but we can't afford for him to do that until I have a job as well.
Your H needs to realise that parenting is a two person job. I think sazz put it very well. What does he actually bring to your life? does he have any positive input or does he drag you down all the time? You need to consider if he's worth being with.

not much to report myself, been to baby gym with MIL and mini-SIL this morning. Seb properly wore himself out and is currently asleep in his pushchair. I'm about to wake him up as I think he's slept long enough.

the problem with working mondays and tuesdays is that i'm always out of date by wednesday! off to catch up
hope you're all well but whilst skimming this page i notice that things could be better with you loti
i have nothing sensible to suggest but keep ranting on here

just a quick pop on will catch up a bit later but please remember to vote in the Halloween namechange comp - Annvan/Wini is there and needs you votes

And where was I? Nowhere, that's where. Harrumph

what? I'm in the namchange comp?! LOL

Sorry to pop on and run but time to MN is lacking at the moment.

HOWEVER...

Lucky as luck would have it I almost posted to you on FB this morning then I didn't. You were on mind. Now I see why. (((HUG))) I'm here for you! If FB isn't a good idea because you know who is there too, message me and I'll shoot you my email address ( it might actually be on my FB page). You are doing the very best under the circumstances and I commend you!