December 2007 "The one where babies walk the walk... and talk the talk"

[Arcadie]

I'm sorry - I couldn't last out. Welcome to the new thread.

So um (d)H said last night he is leaving. Said if he stays it will be for the kids and he doesn't know if he loves me but he definitely doesn't like me and can't stand to be around me. I'm numb atm, I knew our relationship wasn't great right now and we do snap/bicker quite a bit but we don't have major fights and I thought it was just being knackered from having 2 toddlers and not getting any sleep plus not really investing time in our relationship. we agreed a while back that we'd make more effort and I know I have been but it's obviously not enough for him (actually as far as I can tell what he really wants is for me to shag him every day without him having to act like he is in a relationship (eg being affectionate, doing stuff as a couple etc) at all the rest of the time

clairy - OM goodness - are you OK? I know you are not...do you have people round you?

Cazzy I am kind of hiding from people in RL today, don't want to tell anyone yet...makes it too real I suppose

Oh clairey,
Have been there and all I can suggest is hard though it is talk to as many people as you can and accept all offers of assistance.
Also try if you can to avoid those who might be inclined to say "told you so" or similar - highly unhelpful.
Some of the best advice I had was to keep a "journal" of sorts in a school exercise book then to destroy the journal (I burned mine) after a few weeks. I'm the sort of person who finds it useful to organise my thoughts by writing. But there is no value in dwelling on things hence the advice to destroy later.
Can you go and stay with someone for a few days?
I can also give you lots of positives about solo-mumdom if you want, just shout.

Oh man Clairey so sorry. Really hope you guys can work it out. Sounds like what yu said is exactly right - a relationship needs investing in and it's unbelievably easy to let it slide- especially with pressure of a family. Really really hope he comes to his senses and decides her wants to invest and that you can get some support in RL asap. Any chance of counselling or even just someone to babysit the toddlers so you can have a date night to remember what you do like about each other?

BTW did you see on facebook that Insy and Bear are on hospital..has she been on here?

am trying to ignore evie who is supposed to be napping and dd2 who is playing snakes and ladders with dd1 but is determined not to go down the snake

BTW also arcade I fully expect reports of throwing up, tirdness etc....

Oh no Clairey I can't believe it, that's terrible, does he absolutely mean it or is there any chance of reconcilliation through counselling etc? It sounds like it has come totally out of the blue for you? Your relationship doesn't sound too disimilar to mine and no doubt lots of others, I agree that it is just the reality of having very small children (and for us making three long-distance moves within a year) and I just think you have to get through this difficult stage and hope that at the end of it you can reconnect as a couple, enjoy the good bits and try not to dwell on the bad bits. I guess perhaps there are cultural issues for him as well, maybe he expects something very different from you in a marriage?
I really hope you get the chance to sort it out. My stresses seem very trivial compared to yours (and thanks all for the advice etc - skid I didn't have the chance to do more than a few weeks of counselling but I think it did help as I am much less stressed than I was last time and at the moment actually feel fairly on top of things. The middle of the night is a different matter but dh and I are certainly coping better as I have tried to make it less stressful for him as well...).

Cazzy - I saw that on Facebook about Insy but she mentions that Bear is a lot better, it sounds scary though. I hope everything is ok.

Buzzy - did you feel the earthquake?

Clairey I'm so sorry . What an awful thing to be going through. Do you think it is as final as he makes it sound? How would you feel about staying together for the kids? Buzzy's idea about the notebook sounds good, especially if you don't want to broadcast things in RL. Plus of course we're all here for you.

Hadn't heard the link between IQ and sleep but that is interesting. We've been on a Boogie Beebies DVD marathon for the last few days so the only thing on my mind has been the damn lovely tunes on the show

Thanks for all the kind words and support everyone. He called at lunchtime and said that he was wrong to just tell me he was going like that and that we should discuss it later. I don't know if he means discuss it and he'll go anyway, or discuss it and see if we can work things out...

Cazzy can certainly report tiredness. Have felt like I ran a marathon yesterday all day today. Add to that a cheeky Davina exercise at lunch and children who've been on a mission to annoy all day and I think it's about time I went to be. But of course, I won't!!!

aaargh bed not be. I can't even type now..

Yes I did feel it - in fact I was on MN when it shook and almost posted "oooh there's just been an earthquake"! Didn't realise how big it was at the time - I live about 1000km from the epicentre and it was still quite a shake here, shows how big it was. Luckily in a part of the country only a few trampers make it too so probably some slips etc but not even roads down there. Also they say it was really deep.

Clairey FWIW my advice is to talk talk talk and don't stop until you think you've got to the bottom of things (if he'll let you). I pretty much let ex-H walk out thinking "huh you'll regret this later" then spent 6 months waiting for the knock on the door that never came. I really hope you can work it out and reach some sort of mutual understanding. You have two such beautiful intelligent kids - surely he can't want to miss out on seeing them every single night? But then men are from mars...

Clairey How are you doing? Have you managed to have the talk? Hope you're doing ok

yes - Clairy and Insy i am thinking of you both....

Oh my God clairey, I'm so so sorry. How are you doing today? That is good he wants to talk and I agree with Buzzy that it is surely a good idea to just talk and talk and talk. If he does end up going then at least you will know why and can begin the long road to recovery. What do you think about it now? Do you want him to stay or are you now really angry with him and want him gone (if only temporarily). Do you think some time away at your parents'/sister's/ a friend's might help? Maybe if you have a long long talk and then have a few days apart so you can reflect on it? Have you told anyone about it yet?

Remember you are an amazing mother with two beautiful children and whatever happens you should be really proud of that. Let us know how you get on and hope the talk does some good. Thinking of you (((((hugs)))))

Yep we've had a talk...basically he said that he hadn't meant that he didn't like me as a person etc etc but that he didn't like the way we were with each other. Said he didn't really want to leave but didn't want to carry on as we were (which I have been saying to him for months). Talked for quite a while then agreed on a fresh start together. But then yesterday he came home from work and just acted as normal-I mean barely talking to me, getting his laptop out practically 5 mins after walking in the door and sitting behind that on the other side of the room from me. So that made me really ANGRY and I had a go at him and told him that a fresh start had to be exactly that and we both have to put the effort in as though we've only just met each other and not take each other for granted. He seemed to take in on board but we'll see how it goes. Right now I'm just really pissed off that he drops a bomb on me like that but then just wants to take it back without anything changing...

On the plus side my house smells lush because I've been throwing myself into lots of baking and making smelly candles

Clairey hurray hurray hurraaaaaaaayyyyy that it's not all over! Not at all surprised you're angry at him for just behaving the same way but well done you for telling him and so hope that you can work it out. Without wishing to advise in any way because that's not what you've asked for: I've found that a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman was really really useful for me to understand how the way I treat DH and the way he treats me can be made better by just understanding what makes him and you feel loved. eg. I like it when DH does washing up for me. He wouldn't care if I did that for him. He'd like a cuddle. If you'd like a copy of the book I'm happy to send you mine - can do a facebook address swap. In the mean time we're all rooting for you to get the marriage you want and that your family needs.

And glad your house smells nice.

Thanks arcadie, all advice is v welcome . I'd love to borrow your book if that's ok? Will contact you on fbook.

clairey - phew well that's good news he has at least seen a bit of sense although I also would be FURIOUS that he dropped this bombshell and then acts as if it never happened. Maybe this will be the kick you both (well he really) need to really work hard to make things better. It sounds like he was getting more and more wound up and maybe this huge announcement was the only way he could communicate his frustration to you?

FWIW it sounds like the problems you have been having are completely typical for couples with two little children, as clara said, and while most people would struggle through knowing things will get better, your DH took the more 'novel' approach of letting all hell break loose...

Hope he takes it on board and treats you with the respect and consideration you deserve. And that you can forgive him and start to build up your relationship again. A fragrant house has got to be a good start...

Spiral Queen:

Do you do, the kangeroo?
Double decker, double decker, double deckerrrrr bus...
Diga dig dig dig dig dig dig....Digger!
Do do do do do the Ocean Motion
Build it, build it, build it very high, build it build it right into the sky....
Spaghetti nanananana, is messy, peas and rice are very nice....

Those tunes drive me maaaaaad. Luckily dd2 hasn't really had the chance to get into them, these are all the ones I knew best from dd1's day....

arse - i think dd1 may have swine flu...she has temperature, stomach ache, diahorria, and sore throat....she is not too bad at the mo...so am hoping either she doesn't or it is mild because I am worried about dd2 and 3....
i am in a swine flu hot spot...should have stayed in cambridge, but am visiting my parents.

eeeeek Cazzy!!! Hope DD gets better soooooooon