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[largeginandtonic]

Mornin!

Are you pink?

Whats hapening sweetie?

He's never here LG&T. He hasn't come home before 9.30pm any night this week, says he's working. Which I have to be honest, I do believe, he was like this when I first met him, way before we were together. But I feel like a single parent, or like my mum is L's dad or something.

And I'm going to let you in on a secret. We haven't, er, done it, since L was conceived. That's nearly two years. It's almost as if because it's been so long, intimacy feels almost embarrassing, and weird. I do fancy him, I really do, but I just feel like we're two strangers living in the same house. I know this is really bad, I know, please don't tell me it is, I know it is.

And then the money thing. He just goes on and on about it. I asked him for a divorce a couple of weeks ago, and he was absolutely knocked out by it, albeit I did say it in the heat of the moment.

I think maybe we need to go to Relate or something, I do want to try and work it out. I don't want this for L.

OK, confession made.

oh PJ my love.

I haven't told anyone else that. And the funniest thing is, I had a terrible sickness bug at the beginning of the week, and my mum is convinced I am pregnant.

Oh PJ! Why have you not said anything. Jump on that plane and come for a rest here ok chaos and chat here.

You must go to relate and get this sorted out, the stress between the 2 of you must be unbearable. Has your mum not picked up on the tension?

You really need some time for just yourselves to work through thia. Do you think he is not coming home until late because your mum is always there? Perhaps he sees no point if you have her for company anyway? Now L is going to bed and sleeping (is she?) you need to make some real changes.

Sorry you are dealing with it all, babies really do change your life, you have to adapt withing the relationship to cope with it.

Wish you were closer.

Oh PJ, I am with you. It's not so surprising you haven't done 'it' when you haven't had much time together alone. It will come back I promise. In our relationship I am the problem, not him. Now L is in her bed, can you go away together alone for the night? It doesn't even need to be far...

Thanks lovely ladies. I know, I really feel it's something we just can't work through on our own. There are too issues where we both feel we are completely in the right, so any kind of discussion just creates an argument.

I think you are absolutely right that he thinks it is OK for him to stay at work late as I have my mum to help. Albeit she only helps with the bath now, and she doesn't help on a Thurs or Fri when she's had L all day, understandably. But then I asked him to get a later train every morning this week and he says he can't, he's too busy, it's unavoidable, blah blah.

TMAM - I think the BD thing is actually behind most of the other problems, the elephant in the room, if you will. The problem with being away together, alone, is that on the few occasions where this has happened, it is so tense and full of pressure that nothing happens. Or on a couple of occasions dh has started talking about it about 3 hours before we get to bed, which makes me tense and anxious, and then it all feels very forced.

Yes I can understand that there is so much in the way of expectations that the pressure mounts up before hand. I guess you either do the a couple of glasses of wine and a grit your teeth 'let's just get it over with' approach for the first time to break the tension, then the following time will be easier and more enjoyable, or you could try the only touching each other route for a few nights and see if it relaxes you both and takes the pressure away.

If you suggested Relate would he be happy to go?

I agree that having your mum there probably makes him feel slightly shut out and not involved so happy to come home later.

When I mentioned Relate he seemed to think I was overreacting to the scale of the problem somewhat.

Our sex life took a serious downturn long before L came along, but after I had a termination at 23. And although I still stand by the decision we made, and the reasons for it, I think it affected our relationship much more than we have ever consciously realised.

Sorry, this is all a bit depressing for you, isn't it!

Charley - would love to meet up - can't do Bank Hol Friday as am at a wedding, but let me know when you are free.

xx

Couldn't post again last night as DH wouldn't like you to think he has a "hair trigger" so obviously we were at it for hours and hours

LG&T if you were nearer I could have sent DH over for you. Hope you had a good read last night. Not sure if it affects you in the same way but being pregnant does something to my libido, it goes through the rrof in comparison to normal, must be all those hormones floating about.

MKG ooh what a romantic your DH is has he been having tips from mine?

Right PJ we deffo need KKs and a meetup. It is official. How about 26/7 August at Knowsley safari park or chester zoo. Very imaginative aren't I. Obv open to suggestions as do not know area very well.

PJ don't stress, the more you stress the harder it will get. The divorce thing even in the heat of the moment will have hurt him, if he is anything like DH he will be stewing over that. I once threatened to leave DH and he brought it up for ages afterwards. I suggest you back peddle from that unless it is really what you want, try all other option first and explain to DH it was a heat of the moment thing and you did not mean it (unless you really did).

Not much good at relationship advice but on the sex issue I would go one of two ways.

1). Get yourself in the mood and then pounce on DH for a quickie so that initial hurdle is over. At least then you will have done it
and you can move on and do it again and again etc. The longer it goes on the more you will build it up into an issue.

2). Try to work on a romantic evening and just spend time in each others company and get intimate without the sexual side of things - sometimes it is surprising how things turn, just reminiscing about old times (pre kids) and talking to each other will remind you why you are together and bring you closer. (Odds on you will spend half of time talking about how wonderful A is though)

Recommend some sexy undies underneath for whichever option you go for. Always makes you feel nice and attractive and a bit seductive.

It is very difficult DH and I have had some serious adjusting to do since becoming parents. With As health problems and the lack of sleep you have had no wonder there has been a strain on your relationship. Also however well your DH gets on with your Mum always having her around must be a strain. Can you try to wean her off a little.

TMAM you are not the problem. It takes two to have a marriage and two to work at it. You have upped sticks and moved around this year and had a baby. It takes time to adjust, don't forget you were without all your possessions for months. It must have been a very stressful time.

DH working away is unsettling, when they are not there you wish they were but get on with it, when they are there they just get in the way as you used to managing without them. Very difficult to get the balance right in my opinion.

Big hugs, you will get through this.

Pink I'm so sorry. I think we all go through that stage of feeling like single moms.

Of course he may also feel the pressure of supporting a family and working a lot may be his way of contributing. When dh was working like crazy and never around I told him that I didn't think he loved me anymore because he didn't show his affection. He told me that he was working for our family and that is how he showed he loved me.

You need to tell him how you feel.

Excellent advice. I think the problem is just getting over the forced intimacy of the first time, IYSWIM.

Charley - can we make it 25 Aug or 1 Sep? I'm only off on a Monday (although you'd never know it, the amount of time I spend on here...). Knowsley Safari Park would be great!

PJ TMAM put it a lot more succintly than I did so read her post I just rambled on.

I think a termination realy does take its toll. Even though it was the right choice it is still a difficult thing to go through and move on from. It is understandable you had a downturn, sex can lead to pregnancy and you did not want to be at that time so therfore best to avoid sex. Perfectly logical in my mind.

You said you still fancy him and looking at your profile he should still fancy you.

Obviously this is not all the problem. Being on maternity leave and the balance of the relationship shifts due to the earning/spending balance. I felt on my first mat leave that he was earning and I was spending and it felt awkward after being a contributor to suddenly not be. Second time it did not bother me so much.

Anyway can do any day wc 25 August except Monday as DH will be off then as well so will be a family day. Who will we ask for the KKs? P'raps should be later on in the week due to postage over bank holiday weekend.

PJ and Cam

Phin's kidney

MKG having to live in the States

Have read back up a little bit. I think round about now (having a year and a bit old) it all gets very strange anyway. The hormones take a year to get back to normal so you're a couple of months into feeling very different to how you have for a long time and you do feel like you should be 'back to normal' in so many other ways but somehow you're not. You're still exhausted, more exhausted even, still feeling shocked and overwhelmed at times, torn in 8 million directions, unhappy with the way you look, missing things you can't have back, worried the dc are growing too quickly, scared you're making a mess of it etc. But you should be back to normal right? WTF is normal I want to know? Both PJ and Cam I think have it harder than even that for all of the reasons others have outlined. You both cope admirably with what's thrown at you. Cam darling, do you think asking dh to call you TheMaster too is exacerbating the issue? I know you'll find a way through this and we'll all help in whatever way we can.

PJ, you do know most couples take a year or so after birth to start making advances at each other? It's the norm. These 'we were at it 2 weeks post-birth and swinging from the ceiling' chappies are the minority. Most of us take 9 months+, feel like a sack of stretch-marked potatoes and just grit our teeth and get on with it because we feel guilty (). Sex here at our house is rare. And I never feel inclined. Recently, I've shopped for pretty underwear, lost a lot of weight and tried to make the move on dh. It is helping. But not so long ago I was where you are now. I think the lack of sex is just symptomatic of other problems too and I think outside help is probably the way to go. I'm so sorry to hear about the termination. It's the right thing sometimes but still awful and heartbreaking for a long time afterwards if you don't deal with it. I know you want to be close to M again and I know you can. You can come here you know. Don't bother waiting for LG&T to get her horny arse in gear, she's busy busy busy. You can come without her. I'm normal, LG&T'll tell you. I make a mean Victoria Sponge.

I must post more. I really must.

Yes SOH you must. [stern emoticon]

SOH - stop making me cry woman, I'm supposed to be working. Seriously though, I'd love to come and see you, really I would. FB or email me so I can work out how best to get to you. Email is [email protected].

I think the termination just meant that things came to a grinding halt, really, and then we never quite managed to find our groove again. It feels very strange when dh and I are alone, and I know he feels like my mind is always with L. He said to me the other day, 'you have nothing but Alexa. Nothing. You have no life apart from her'. This, I feel, is slightly melodramatic, but I can see the point he's trying to make.

And SOH - all of your comments really ring true with me. All of them. Life is just unrecognisable. Mostly in a good way, and god knows, I wouldn't be without her, but it's so very different, and if she's not with me, well, I'm thinking about her.

Pathetic really. Didn't mean to bring you all down on a Friday!

I so wish we all lived closer, although it may spoil the mystery somewhat. Where is scoot? Did she go on the holiday? I miss my teen angst tv buddy!

You are all very precious to me, I hope you know that .

Anyhoo, CM - how about 1 Sept?

I musn't cry anymore I've got bug eyes.

Off now to our weekend away. Listen Pink, you did it with the sleep thing after all that angst, you can do it with the sex thing as well. Go girl.

Tis true TMAM. Have a fabulous weekend. You deserve it.

x

Barry farking Manilow? What the hell is wrong with your ears?

Anyway, didn't mean to make you cry. Feel bad now.

That thinking about the baby all the time is normal for your first I think. I do it too. When I'm in the shower and dh is playing with her, my ears are trained on listening to her. I wash my hair as quickly as I can, don't dry properly and rush back to her. He's her Dad fgs. I'm really good at running, the weight is falling off because I can't wait to get back to her. Like the sex thing, you just have to do it the first few times I think. I'm trying to get used to leaving M for a few hours and not talking about her or worrying (out loud anyway). When we were tribeswomen or cavefolk or gingerbreadpeople we would have just slung the baby on our back and taken it everwhere so the dinosaurs/gingerbread eaters/flies didn't get it. It's not natural to separate easily so it's something you just do, find a way to cope with it and eventually you start to enjoy/cherish it. Like everything, it's the initial hurdle.

Cam, have a restful weekend. Be kind to yourself. You can nip over to mine too if you want.

Oh stop blubbing and pull yourselves together!

Now Pink you need to take matters in to your own hands, be assertive and make the desicion. You will convince yourself a million times over that it just wasnt the right time but really think i am going to do it. Be spontaneous too, pounce just after he has come out the shower or something, maybe in the morning before he goes to work as then you have had no build up to it and you know it cant go on forever as he will have to rush off or L will be waking up.

I am going to FB you, i may get too explicit for some.

< looks at SOH >

Yes you should post more often and you know it < tuts >

Oh my lovely ladies god its crap sometimes.

PJ what the girls are saying is right as always wholeheartadly agree with them. I do really think you need some time away from Lexie just the 2 of you to reconnect and I am not suggesting its a weekend of attempting to jump each other. Go somewhere oyu can walk and talk or go on a weekend of completely back to your early 20's where you go to the pub and get totally smashed together and dance to dodgy music. We are always here for you it is shit you are so far away go stay with SOH I will pop in for some of that victoria sponge.

In terms of the sex life thing even though I am preggo it doesnt mean its a regular occurance in our household I feel frumpy and not sexy atall and mostly just knackered and generally sex is the last thing on my mind.

Cam much love my lovely.

Men huh am going to be a lesbian in my next life.

I don't necessarily feel upset when I'm not with her, just preoccupied.

And I lurrrve Barry. Am a Fanilow.

LG&T - can't he see my FB messages when he logs in as one of my friends? FB makes me nervous, I havn't quite worked out how to use it properly.

Of course FB though, if he can't see it, if not, email. xx

Jam - one of my BFs is gay. I'm always telling her and her partner that it must be nice to have another girl around all the time.

SOH I'll move there if it will make you happy .

I have to add to PJ that intimacy is not about sex.
The most wonderful thing for me is just laying in bed with dh holding hands.