My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Cranial osteopathy is magic. Definitely try it.

Re slings - stretchy wraps can be put on in the morning and baby can be placed in and out all day, you can leave it on until bed, just tighten as needed if it loosens. Short people struggle with carriers that have crossover buckles at the back (I'm 5'2 and could only use one that doesn't crossover, the straps instead go over the shoulders like a rucksack).

If you could say which country you're in, maybe we could help you find specific help/services?

My 4th baby had cranial osteopathy and it worked wonders

A sling need to buy, so both of you can do more activities in the house and out and about.

Check to see if your baby has ingestion issues or any health issues affects babies 👶 at all

Also what about distraction toys of any sort your baby would like

Look on Internet and books about new parents solving common issues self help books from libarey or elsewhere...

You need some help. To have all this anger pelt up about a 3 month old BABY is really, really concerning.

Of course she wants to be held all the time. She's 3 months old and probably isn't aware she's in this damn scary big wide world. Look up 4th trimester.
No one said it would be easy, it's fucking tough sometimes and tests your last nerve. But you pull together and support each other.

Stop resenting your wife. Stop speaking about your baby like it's something you've picked up from the co op.

She is your baby daughter. It gets easier, but you need to get your head together. Stop stressing about the small shit and take it in shifts to hold the baby. She might have reflux which will cause her lots of pain when laying flat. Get her some medication for reflux and see if it helps. But buying gadgets on Amazon and complaining so horribly about a baby isn't going to do you any favours. I feel sorry for the poor little mite.

OP, you have had some great advice on here that I really can't add anything useful to. I would just say, having a baby is a HUGE shock to the system. It is astounding how little you can get done with them around, how much of your time and attention they just suck up and there is nothing that can really prepare you for this. It WILL get better. When you are on your own with no one to give you a break, even for a couple of hours, it is overwhelming. Do go to baby groups and find support for you both wherever you can.

Also - count your blessings that she sleeps all night at 3 mums.

Imagine having a high needs baby who also doesn't sleep (like many of us on this thread.)

Your baby isn't your idea of perfect, you need to substantially lower your expectations.

Just re. you buying and returning things same day on Amazon...you need to try them for longer.

None of my dc ever liked new thin/toys Right away, it took a good ten times of playing with someththem for the to Like it or get it.

keep trying the walker for ecample or a baby gym, wventually she will get used to it.

it helps

Also I put my Baby in a carrier whilst I went about my day,

@GoldFive I do empathise, it must be awful for you all.
There is a lot of ''Luck'' with temperament of babies.
Babies cry to 'Communicate', so something is probably causing her pain or distress somewhere.

My own son was 'Easy'. as a baby..and the health visitors used to say at baby clinics ''You won't get another as good as this one, you are very lucky!''..They said it so much that I never had a second child, out of sheer fear of having a screamer.

Luck plays a big part.

Another neighbour had a screamer..and my goodness, that was a difficult baby..screamed morning, noon and night.
Hugely disturbing for neighbours as he was so loud.

They moved, and the new neighbours have a really sweet natured baby who is now two.

Maybe if your daughter is constipated she is getting gut pain.
There has to be something ''Wrong''..as others have said, babies don't cry 'Maliciously'.

She hopefully will improve.

My friend has four children, one of those was so difficult, despite being raised as her others.
He didn't sleep for nigh on two years.
No reason could be found, he's 17 tomorrow :)

This won't last for ever.

Sounds like your wife is at end of her tether, too.

Op, I'm so sorry, it sounds like a living nightmare. I'd be looking for ways of attaching a car seat to a robovac, and just letting her go round and round a room on that! Probably need padding on all the walls and round the furniture at the right height... Or hiring a small model railway like they used to have in parks and installing it in a loop round the living room.

Why are there huge spaces between what I'm typing ahhhhhhhh

The problem is most likely not the baby but your wife’s behaviour. It’s normal for a baby to cry and abnormal for a parent to not allow them to. Honestly, it’s more likely that you’re raising a needy and narcissistic child/ adult by doing this than the other way around. I have five children, I understand how hard it can be but if you really mean that you allow NO crying there’s no solution to this.

This is totally normal with a 3 month old baby - chores don't get done & they want held a lot / most of their awake time (and sometimes whilst sleeping too). You're actually incredibly lucky that she sleeps through the night tbh. I spent most of the early days walking around with baby in pram or letting her nap on me, walking around with her in sling etc. I would bring bouncy chair into toilet when I had to pee - she would cry. Its all normal.

If being disturbed whilst trying to work is bothering you, you might need to find somewhere else to work from in meantime.

Noone is saying its not hard, but it's also normal. Has your wife tried a sling / baby carrier?

Exactly this.

I had pnd with my first and remember distinctly the feeling that he was tormenting me with his crying, and that somehow it was calculated and deliberate.

it doesn’t matter that you KNOW it’s not true, it’s a symptom of your very low mood and desperation.

People in this frame of mind need support, empathy and compassion not horrible comments. If you haven’t got anything constructive to say, stay off the thread FFS.

Incidentally, my ‘baby’ is now 36, a wonderful son and the parent of little ones of his own. It will pass, OP…… hang in there.

My now 18 y.o DD was exactly like this - it was silent reflux. It's hellish. Get a sling which holds your baby upright and take it in turns to walk with her. My DD lost a lot of weight and was failure to thrive because she couldn't feed properly, so the fact she was hungry as well didn't help. Speak to your health visitor and ask to see another GP. My DD did not go to sleep without being rocked to sleep for about 6 months. If this works for you, do it. Ignore the parents who will tell you that you will end up with a child who won't self soothe. It's rubbish. My DD has grown up to be an amazing young woman (who can go to sleep all by herself!). My DS was a dream baby by comparison.

Are you sure your baby is getting enough nourishment?

First of all - I feel so bad for you both. Those early months are SO very very hard. What you said about your child not wanting to be held whilst you are sitting down brought back a very dark time for me. My DD was just the same and I was utterly exhausted. Then a friend commented on how she held herself (my DD) quite stiffly so I took her to an osteopath who, after 4 or so sessions, righted whatever wrong it was. It seems that her skull plates had not quite gone where they should post birth and when I sat down, there was real pressure on her neck/head. So first of all, I hope that helps.

Secondly, my second child (my DS) was a high-needs baby and man it nearly broke me! I read a lot by William and Martha Sears (www.askdrsears.com/sears-family-connect/mondays-with-martha/) who specialised in high needs babies. My son was really quite difficult but it gave me hope that he would, as the Sears suggested, grow into an incredible child. Lo and behold, he has (he's now 10).

Thirdly, it sounds like you're both at breaking point - please go and see your GP ASAP.

Best of luck with it all.

I'm so sorry, it must be awfully stressful for you both.

Firstly, it's amazing that she sleeps 10am until morning. Out of interest, is that in her own bed / cot?

Secondly, even though she has that amount of sleep, she is still very young and I would guess she would need one or two naps.

I wonder if she is simply overtired/wired, hence needing constant attention.

A sling would be a good idea but I wonder whether trying to schedule in some naps in the day would be good too? It was a while ago now, but seem to recall a short one in the morning and a long one after lunch. Once they start on solids it is easier and especially when they start on protein.

A sling is a great idea, btw, but I do think a rested baby often is able to sit and watch, at least for a little while. But she's still so young, give it time.

If it helps, I remember feeling at around 10-12 weeks - 'is this it? will we never have a life again'. Normal.

I used to read a lot of different books on routines. You don't have to follow one exactly, but I did remember that the Baby Whisperer was quite good as it was about teaching the child to be comfortable and able to 'self sooth', so there was a bit of crying but more from frustration and always when you were still there so not a 'cry it out' method.

Good luck!

Big Yes to the sling, works wonders.

Reminds me of when my DS was a baby, admittedly he wasn't as demanding as yours to be honest. Our problem was that he was a terrible sleeper.

I am not exaggerating when I say he would wake up at least 15 times throughout the night. I was exhausted, at my wits end and was even hallucinating at one point.

We pushed through but my oh my, it was a rough patch. Fast forward to today he is 3.5 and someone could kidnap him whilst still laying in bed, he wouldn't bother to wake up until he gets his full 12 hours of sleep 😂

Also, like someone said, perhaps the baby needs more nourishment. We started solids (low level) as soon as the baby started to reach for our food and do 'chewing' type movements.

Poor, poor baby and your poor wife. You sound really cold towards both of them; the baby in particular. This 12 week old baby who knows nothing other than her mother, who can only communicate by crying and who is clearly putting up on your negative emotions.
Google the fourth trimester and get yourself and the baby booked in with the doctor urgently.

My baby was similar at that age, except she did not sleep at night. It is normal for very young babies to not want to be put down, although some are more difficult to keep content than others.

It's normal for a mother to feel they must respond to baby's crying, and it's good to do so. There is a difference between baby crying in a parent's arms and alone in a cot the baby in arms isn't alone! If you were really upset about something wouldn't you prefer to have someone by your side? I agree with previous suggestions to visit a sling library wish I'd gotten into slings sooner as they really helped us.

It was really really difficult for the first few months. We saw a big improvement once my daughter was able to sit independently at around 6 months, and it continued to improve massively for the first year especially as she was able to move more and more independently.

I was really worried there was something wrong with her, and felt I was failing her or that she'd be damaged from being so miserable all the time as a baby. She still hates any type of seat (eg car, pram) but can tolerate it for short periods with some distraction. Other than that she is a pretty normal toddler. Lots of her peers who were "easy" babies have become more difficult as they've gotten older and she's only become easier so it's really started to even out.

Have you tried getting her out of the house? We never went out because of her crying but the first time I brought her to a restaurant at around 4 months I was shocked by how calm she was. I think she just actually needed a lot of stimulation and wasn't getting enough sitting around in the house all day so was really bored.

It feels like this will last forever but it really does all change very quickly. By 6/9 months you might have a different child!

I'm so sorry you and your wife are experiencing this...my daughter was very similar.

Such a noisy sleeper that the health visitor recommended we put her in her own room at 3 weeks so we could sleep, would only nap for about 40 minutes between 6am and 7pm so got consistently more tired and grumpy. She didn't want to be on me all the time which in some ways was just as challenging as I felt it unable to soothe her...she would literally fight me off.

She was also September born. I was diagnosed with PND in early January and my husband also was offered mental health support as it was horrific for all of us.

By mid February, things were much better. I actually have a photo of her that I can still pinpoint as the day things started to slot into place. She's 18 now, absolutely brilliant and we have a great relationship, although I didn't have any more kids!

One thing I did find is that the transition to solid food (in our case runny baby rice to begin with) made a huge difference to her temperament. She never took a full feed and as batshit as it sounds I don't think an entirely liquid diet agreed with her. I'm not suggesting you should wean her ridiculously early of course, but you are probably approaching a time when it will all settle, even though it doesn't feel like it when you're in the thick of it.

I dint know what people are on about, it's not normal for a baby to need walking about for 16 hours a day , especially as she is still crying for a lot of that time

I'm not surprised you and do are both struggling

I'd rather have my 4 who didn't sleep through for years than have to walk round all day with an upset baby

I was lucky enough not to have high needs babies but my sister did and cranial osteopathy seemed to help

This sounds entirely normal. I'm sorry it's so tough, and it sounds like you're in shock. Babies are used to being inside their mother tummies (safe, warm, lots of motion), it's a huge adjustment to come into this scary world. They need to be held, a lot. And walked, a lot. I can't tell you how many times my husband walked up and down the stairs with our daughter.. but it is normal. I would never leave my baby to cry either, and mine has NEVER slept through the night (now 18months).

It sounds like you need help - can you outsource anything? Regular cleaning/ready made meals. A baby is the MOST FULL TIME JOB! It's relentless. The best thing I can advise is to surrender, it really does go so quickly.

for reference and so you don’t feel alone - mine never slept in the car, buggy, cot. She sleeps with me, on me or in the sling