In regard to listening... the therapist we saw last year (who we will go back to soon 
) recorded one session to see if anything came up that we were missing. What she did notice was this:
When DS went into the room he was busy looking around and processing everything that he could see in there. The therapist was talking to him too and asking him to take his shoes off. Eventually she asked if he liked to go on the swings - then she had his attention- he said he did. Then she asked him to take off his shoes, he did that straight away.
What she said was, talk less. They don't need a running commentary. They need to know that your voice is important. Wait until you have their attention and then talk to them. She knows and admitted that it isn't always possible. But sometimes, just talking less, telling DS what I want and then stopping really works.
He realises that I have stopped talking and then will turn to me to find out what I want. It's frustrating. But he isn't doing it on purpose.