October 2014 // thread 3 // Maybe we'll get some sleep soon.

[MundayCakes85]

Last thread is full so here's a shiny new one

goats yes my brother had it badly. His GPs were great at getting him help (CBT and anti depressants). His was tied into an anxiety which appeared after the baby's arrival. At one stage he couldn't be in the same house as the baby and had to move out for a short period. He is the most wonderful father.

I've got the health visitor coming today, I'll ask her advice. It's not anxiety based, it's all about what he's 'lost', not helped by the fact that he only really sees her cry or eat in the evenings. Misses out on all the fun stuff.

He asked me last night if 'it's like this all day', I said that sometimes it is, but that you have to put in the effort with play and distraction in order to get the reward of smiles and happy child. You can't sit on the sofa and expect her to sit with you and watch telly. I think he imagines I just have coffee all day, or go for nice walks with my friends. I pointed out that while my nct contacts, and others I've met through classes and the cinema baby club etc, are nice people, they are not my friends - they are just people who have children the same age as mine. It might change, I might end up close to them, but for now it's convenient companionship, and mostly we talk about babies. He's not missing anything exciting!

Also he's annoyed that he's missing me, not having sex blah blah. Well, stop sitting on your laptop every evening from the minute you get in the door. Try speaking with me like you used to, don't go to bed with earplugs in to read your book.

I was partly sympathetic, partly thought 'oh man up'.

Goats I suspect lots of men go through the exact same feelings and emotions as your boyf. Your relationship has changed - you are now a mother, caring for young Pip and he is feeling rejected or ignored.

From things my husband has said he experienced a lot of this in his previous marriage (no longer number 1) and now with me, I reassure him the whole time of his importance to us. But he misses our Bumboo so much he doesn't want to go to work (he loves his job!) or he comes home and it's grumpy hour and he gets upset we've had a good day.

The good thing is he's communicating his feelings rather than bottling things up. This you can work with

Aw glad you got something for your lo cj

goats can your dp talk to any friends or family who are dads? .. It might help him to see that this stage does not last forever, and that you both will get back some normality at some point, when pip is interacting with him more and her wee personality is really evident it will probably make him feel more "needed" but unfortunatly as you say it takes effort, time & patience. He just has to realise that the current situation is only temporary

Hello all

Had a good night last night - two blocks of 4 hours! Paying for it today though. Boy will not sleep, poor bugger been awake more or less since 8 am. He's going to die of tired!

I think it's difficult with the dads. I find myself being really unsympathetic to DH when he's sad or stressed. This is actually pretty unfair of me but I can't help it. He gets to go out on bike rides, read, sleep all night. I'm sinking myself, it's so hard to help him.

My dh often gets down about the fact he often gets the shitty end of the Day. Usually when I've had a good day he'll have a rotten evening and he usually ends up acting all defeatist and that he can't do anything to pacify Dylan. Well yes please you might be able to soothe him now but I've been trying all fricken day!

PND in men

My DH had some anxiety issues this time, following our traumatic birth of DC4. He does know what he's doing with babies and breastfeeding wife, but became overly worried about everything and didn't bond as quickly with her.

We've talked a lot. DD is 9 weeks now and he is feeling much better. It is helped by the fact that DD is less screamy in the evenings when he's home from work.

Goats look after yourself too. My DH experienced similar with DD, no communication, feeling at a loss etc. it nearly ended us as I in turn got depressed as I felt really alone. Its great you have identified it early. Act now & pry the conversation out of him.
Good news is that it all comes good, my DH said to me a couple of days ago "can't wait until Christmas when he is a bit older & I will be able to do more with him."
There is light at the end of the tunnel.

yellow it's crazy isn't it I definitely breath a sigh of relief when everyone is in their pjs!

gun I wouldn't worry too much about how much she's having at first what you may find is that the amount increases quickly with ff babies I've found they go from a small amount to a reasonably large amount quite quickly as their tummies stretch. To give you an idea r started on a similar amount to your lo but he now has about 130 mls at nearly 7 weeks but he's been bottle feeding from birth. I'm so impressed that you have managed to do so well breast feeding with 5 children I've only got four and I truly don't don't how I would fit it in!

I cAnt believe it's Friday night again and another week has passed! We have a second viewing on our house tomorrow so keeping everything crossed.

My dp has openly admitted that he's not keen on the tiny baby stage he finds it hard when he doesn't get anything back from them. When they get older though he is amazing and the kids scream with delight when he gets in from work. It's hard not to feel a bit when I've been wiping noses and bums all day and in walks the bloody messiah!!

Partners must find it hard- mine gets upset that I "get" E better than he does. I went for a bath the other night and she cried the whole hour, I asked if he'd changed her nappy? Nope didn't even consider it I'm making an effort to back off in the evenings, let him do fun bath time and cuddles and he's doing much better now.
6 week check up went well, got the mini-pill, hope DTD gets easier
Hope you all have lovely weekends x

...in walks the bloody messiah!!

Know that feeling.

INSET for my brood today, so my older three are all at home with me and baby. I do all the hard-slog through the day on my own., keeping everyone entertained and happy. The moment they hear the door go when DH comes home, there are cheers of "Dadddyyyyyy" ringing from all around the house. They literally jump into his arms. Cheers for noticing what Mummy does then

Pregnant my DH too is treated as some sort of international rock god celebrity as soon as he walks through the door! Its a lovely bond but yeah sometimes after I've been slogging cooking meals, wiping arses and reading that sodding moon faced tank engine b*stard all day its a bit

Lil's just had her 8 week check and jags. Oh the screams! Much worse than Jonas but then he'd been in pain with untreated CMPI for 5 weeks when he had his so he had had worse pain already .

Goats I think its common, there's a hell of a lot of blokes for whom the reality of kids is a massive shock. I think my sister's exH had a quite dismissive view of parents before he became one - saying that they had allowed their kids to unnecessarily complicate their lives and force changes to pub going and hobbies, and oh no that wouldn't happen to him. Of course it did. Their DS had undiagnosed reflux / CMPI and cried every evening for hours for well over a year. He spent the first 9 months saying having a baby was an awful mistake and not worth it. He never did a single night waking as the baby was BF so the hard work was pretty theoretical for him - he used to put headphones on to block out the crying. It was such a shame as as soon as their DS was finally put on omeprazole and a dairy free diet - the crying stopped. But the stress / depression had already been created. Talking early on is the best thing you can do.

It's okay to not like the tiny baby stage, though, right? Because I don't, really. Also it's taking me a while to feel that I love the infant, as opposed to just feeling like I had to take care of her. Luckily I was prepared for this and had some honest conversations with my partner and others about it before she was born, so I kind of feel like it's okay. If I hadn't been expecting it, though, I imagine it would have been awful- I would have felt like I was a terrible person. I wish there was more honesty about this stuff- that not everyone's experience is total unconditional love from the first moment and the important thing is that you're taking care of them till the pieces fall into place.

Tatty soooo true. With Jonas, possibly because of the shock of the birth and then the extended crying from the reflux the love grew more gradually and gently with my confidence, with Lil it was instant. I think its easier second time. There's not enjoying the newborn stage and then there's sticking headphones in and buggering off to the spare room every evening with the Xbox to actively avoid it though (what my sisters ex for a reason H did!).

tatty totally ok not to enjoy it it's bloody hard work for very little reward at first.
yellow I'm surprised your sister didn't shoot the bastard!

Dp may not particularly enjoy it but he still does his bit. Tonight is my night off he does the 11 o'clock feed, the night feeds and gets up in the morning with all the kids while I have a lie in. I bloody love Fridays! I'm going for a bath when r falls asleep and then a nice early night.
Hmm I can remember when I actually had a life!

Had a terrible night, suffering today. Lil one is obviously having another growth spurt!
Other half broached the "are we going to have any other children" talk last night - basically he doesn't want/can't cope with another! Is that what all men's reactions are at first?
Not that I'm even thinking about another child now, but I want to know the options there?!

Pregnant after 5 years of it she's divorcing him

In other news I have a very sleepy baby here. She's pretty much been asleep all afternoon, and when I try and wake her up she has a bit of a feed then falls asleep again. She's also just done an unusually large sick. Not sure if I should worry- either real worry or oh God she's going to be wake awake at two am worry.

I broached the subject of a night off, got told 'anytime', so I said tonight... he laughed. After he does 11th December daytime, I'll get him on a night shift. Although nights are loads easier.

Although tonight would have been a bit wasted since I got almost 7 hours last night!

We're walking tomorrow, so a day when we can chat about some of this stuff. New baby malarkey is quite tedious, but my expectations were loe - I was pretty right about the parts I've liked and not liked.

We are not a happy bunny after her 8 week immunisations. After the most heart rending screams in the surgery, she is now whimpering on my shoulder and waking with shrill screams every few minutes. Like Jonas her reflux appears to go mental post jag. Oh deep deep joy . Still it has proved to me that she isn't the stoic I'd suspected but actually we must be managing the CMPI pretty well as she's never cried so painfully before.

And she's got thrush in her mouth poor soul. I googled it and was very cross when reading a thread on baby centre about oral thrush in BF babies and a great big aptimil advert (for follow on milk) popped up. Target women whilst they or their babies are in pain - ethical!

Oh she seems to have fallen into a very sad faced sleep.

My husband just said he'd daddysit a Friday night all nighter to let me go on a girls night!
I wonder if he'd actually wake up during the night or sleep through Bumboo's cries like he usually does?

Ha ha - re the messiah!!!! Here whenever I tell him off or having a particularly Tough day I get a wailing boy.. 'Dadddeeeeeeeeee, I want dadddeeeeeee'.

Yellow have you got treatment for the oral thrush? My DS has just been prescribed antibiotics & I am heart scared he will develop thrush. Jeepers, just realised I sound like my granny!

My Husband dislikes the new born stage too. He doesn't get any thing back I guess - just crying, eating amd sleeping. He definitely had 'what have we done' and 'what have we lost' moments with ds1 but as soon as we got into our groove we were doing things we have always done and haven't really sacrificed mich in that way apart from ability to be spontaneous!