The best fart recently belongs to me though... actually it relates to my birth story, so I'll just add the last two hours in here - won't put it in ante-natal just yet!
OK, so labour started really slowly last Friday, then did not a lot until Saturday night apart from keep me awake. On Sunday morning, after a night in the bath, I called my doula since it was clear things were happening. Went into delivery at 4cm on Sunday at 10am. Over 24 hours of regular 5 minute contractions and only 4cm, how depressing... anyway. The pool was available, so I ditched the TENs, which had been GREAT up to then, and got into the water. Couldn't get on with gas and air at all, it made me really sick - didn't even want to try it once I got in the pool, the water felt like it did enough. Things progressed pretty slowly, but consistently, with sniffing clary sage oil, bouncing in the pool etc. At around 5.30pm I had a VE and was told I was 10cm dilated and good to push. So, I pushed for an hour and a half - yet nothing happened. Tried lots of different positions in the water/half out the water/out of the water, none of which seemed to move things on. 7pm the midwife calls a Dr to check out what's going on - she finds I'm NOT 10cm, I'm 8cm, and now have a swollen cervix because I've been pushing 'pretty efficiently' for so long. Baby's head is getting swollen too, although she's not in any distress. At this point I'm pushing on every contraction without my having to do anything - my body is doing that expelling 'puke' thing and I'm just riding it out.
Consultant then told me that he wanted to give me synto for an hour to get that dilation sorted out - said it probably wouldn't take that long, but I'd have to resist the pushing urge until I was 10cm. Considering my body had no concept of 'resist', this suggestion was received how should I say it... 'negatively' by me. Doula and boyfriend tried to help me with breathing through them, but by now I was getting distressed by the thought of not being in the water (they wouldn't let me back in even while I made decisions), and probably needing an epidural etc etc. Then my mind is going on with 'then I'll need forceps', and I got shouty - boyfriend did a lot of crying, and all this time there is a shift change of midwives going on around us. I'm refusing to leave the pool room, or have a cannula put in, I'm also not managing the 'resisting' contractions very well, so still essentially pushing on a swollen baby and swollen cervix.
Finally at half 8/9 my new midwife (who turns out to be the consultant midwife), manages to get through to me that I should agree to the synto, that I should have a low epidural, should sleep for an hour or so, then we'd carry on. I get into a wheelchair and end up in another room - nowhere near the nice atmosphere as the pool room, so things start to slow down - this is bad AND good, since I am contracting so often in this alleged 'resistance' state that I can't think at all. Boyfriend has told me that I didn't speak at all - was just in mute shock or something because it hurt so much.
Didn't have a proper epidural thing, had a 90 minute spinal block that stopped me feeling contractions (and therefore having to resist them). Having the spinal done was fucking miserable to be honest - poor boyfriend having to hang on to me getting me to breath, me literally writhing around on the bed. He's crying, trying not to cry, I'm mute and FURIOUS. Nice. Anyway, the minute the spinal was in... all fine and dandy. We waited 90 minute for me to dilate, during which I slept for half an hour and regained my sense of humour. Then waited an hour for the baby to descend - during which I got most of the feeling back, although the edge still taken off the pain. Then I chose my favourite pushing positions from earlier in the evening, and ended up taking only 35 minutes or so to get her out. Minor tear that midwife sutured because I still had a bit of numbness there and 'I think it's nicer for ladies to know it's going to heal', but otherwise would have left alone.
Massively long winded, sorry - but I needed to write it down somewhere. I started off furious that it had gone so wrong on the advice of ONE midwife who mistakenly said I was ready to push, but I managed to deal with the spinal (which I'd been SO terrified of in advance), and actually the birth bit was calm and lovely.
Midwife had her day off on Monday, but came back in to see me to apologise. I'd made my peace with it by then.