I've counted to ten before answering this :)
There is no-one soppier than me about my cats. I have been putting this appointment off since January when, with all the illness I couldn't face it.
I have had long chats with a super soppy vet friend of mine, as well as numerous visits to my own vet over the last five years.
She has been checked over several times over the years, and tried severl types of anti - vom meds. Her behaviour even as a kitten was odd, as were her siblings, all of whom have been abandoned or put down in the years since due to their psychotic behaviour.
If I honestly could trust someone to take her on and give her the love and care that I have done then I would rehome her in a flash. I will ask the vet tomorrow if he knows anyone that could possibly handle her. I have tried to find someone myself via DH's colleagues. People don't want aggressive pukers who don't groom themselves (she never learned how). They want cute little kittens. That is the reality of it.
She is not going to a rescue, that is completely out of the question, they are full and gassing animals as fast as they can. There is a v different attitude to pets over here. But I can not keep her. She attacks the girls (and is getting worse), vomits on their things, my beds, towels, so is a health hazard. She is also psychotic, always has been and is getting worse.
So if I can't be sure of where she is going next then her last moments will be in my arms looking at me. That's not me seeing her as a thing or an inconvenience. It's ensuring that the end of her life is as good as it can be. And it will actually break my heart.
She is a pita but quite a special one. She showed me I was pg all three times by settling on my belly at night before I even tested. When my babies cried as nbs she came and bit me to hurry me up. When I had a mmc she attacked my belly repeatedly over the days leading up to the scan. And as we were given her far too soon (not our choice the mother's owner was going to drown the kits) I groom her, and she suckles on my clothes. She has an incredible personality, and I love her as much as I hate her.
So please don't judge me too harshly. I've done my best and I can't bear it.