Dec 2011 - Do that again, and you're getting sold on Ebay.....

[Aethelfleda]

Shiny new thread with no listing fees!

well done to DS on school report Queen, Hope she settles done at home soon.

Aethel I'm having wonderful images of sleeping bad sack races!

DS has learnt to say Henry this weekend (as in Henry the hoover) he keeps opening the cupboard and saying hiya Henry, it's very cute! I'm really enjoying DS at the moment, constantly amazes me when he learns something new.

DP on the otherhand can do what he likes as far as I care at the moment, I keep trying to be positive about him moving forward but he can be vile sometimes, maybe too much of the time. I keep looking at smaller houses on rightmove and imagining a cosy little house for me and DS. Too embarrassed to tell anyone in RL how miserable DP makes me. At least if I stay then DS won't be on his own with DP, the idea of DP having him at weekends if we split fills me with dread.

oops stupid typo I meant well done DD queen!

Oh, BJR, a massive ((hug)) for you. I'm sorry it's not going well at the moment. I know what you mean about the embarrassment, but see if you can confide in one person in RL- 99/100 it does make it better.

Is your DP being crap with you, DS, or both?

Thanks Ladies. She had her favourite things for tea and some sweets for afters.

BJR sorry things are bad with DP. Is he also bad with DS or just yourself?

nice one for Darcie Queen

sorry to hear that BJR :(

xiao been chuckling at the hair cutting antics. Minim has a proper mullet along with receding (advancing?) hairline... enough to nearly make pigtails at back baldy at front. Was tempted to trim back but might leave it now!

In career dilemma. Been offered a semester mat leave lecturing at a good Russell group uni but is a flight away. Could do it in three days a week but would mean essentially four nights away (would be back on the fourth night but after minim I'm bed) and tons of work so minim would be fulltime in nursery. It is only 5 months though so doable and good experience for my CV. But a) v hard on me and my husband. Spent a lot of time apart during my PhD and hated it b) will mean he is a single dad half the week c) would I miss minim too much? would she miss me? would it be bad for her stability? d) we want another baby and feel two year age gap perfect but that would mean all of the second half of my pregnancy would be away and anyway flying every week but if waited a while and was in earlyish pregnancy might be too ill to work, remember last time and the months of non stop migraine?
BUT e) what if I get pregnant now and f up my career forever? academia horribly disgustingly competitive.
Ugh. Totally torn. Wisdom of the thread please!

Mopsy that sounds like a fab opportunity but such things are never straightforward are they!! No advice i am afraid that is a really tough one!!

DS was up at 5.30 again screaming hysterically at the idea of going back to bed, I stayed in his room with him and did manage to convince him to read his books and play quietly for a little bit, then he wanted down so took him and then he wanted to play outside at 7am when he wasnt dressed so that wasnt happening!!! I think he is starting to understand no and that is why all this is happening.....the cm says he is an angel but he is a stroppy nightmare at home ......thankfully my mum is coming to visit for a week so she can sort him out.

BJR (((hug))) for you and we are here for you with a listening ear and a virtual anytime you feel like talking (or not).

mopsy oof that's hard. What does your DH think? I have to say if it was me, I would probably take the job and put off baby #2 by 5 months unless DH had some really good arguments to talk me out of it. I know how competitive academia is and how you have to grab every opportunity with both hands if you want to keep climbing the ladder.

On the missing/adjustment point, at the moment I am working three days a week - I put DS to bed on Monday night and he doesn't see me awake again until Friday morning. (I know I'm leaving my job but my problem is mainly the 3 hours of commuting and the ridiculous presenteeism expected in the City, not just the time away from DS IYSWIM). He seems totally adjusted and it's lovely to bring him into our bed on Friday mornings and have a lovely catch-up cuddle and then a stretch of four days together. We do have a nanny for those three days that he's comfortable with and next year we'll have an au pair covering the nanny's mat leave.

On the DH front, over the last 6 weeks we have been going 6 days at a stretch like ships passing in the night where I come in after he's asleep, or he comes in after I'm asleep. But we email lots during the day which is actually really nice to actually get words down on paper and keep in touch with each other. Also we have the end of term as a sort of deadline where we will then have the easter holiday to decompress and reconnect as a family.

Over the years my parents have regularly spent up to 6 months apart and keep in touch eating meals together over Skype - they sit down properly and eat and chat just like they're at the table in real life, which I think is a brilliant idea (usually they're 5 hours out of synch so my dad is eating a late lunch and my mother is eating an early-ish dinner). Also if they're just sort of sitting around on a weekend working or cooking or something, they'll just leave each other up on Skype for hours so they're just kind of there to chat to occasionally. Sometimes I'll go to the boat and my mother will be working and my dad on the screen reading the newspaper in DC and just look up and say hello as I walk in, as if he's in the room, and I'll see that they've had Skype going for 4 hours or something.

I think if the separation period has a finite end, and you're coming home for 4 days out of every 7 including every weekend, you can make it work with some thought and planning behind it.

It's a really hard decision though. Is there anything else on the horizon that you're waiting to hear back about, post-docs or the like?

Yeah waiting to hear about postdoc in a town a one hour drive away. Obvs that would be perfect but don't hear until end May and this postdoc has a success rate of 3-4% !

Ooh very tough. I would probably throw caution to the wind and call the post-doc research group leader (if there is one) if you have a good relationship and discuss your chances of success, even though you're not supposed to hear till May they might be willing to give you an indication of whether it's worth waiting.

But I'm coming from a position of private practice where stuff is far more flexible and personal relationships are paramount, not grant-based research which I believe are more formal. Do you have a mentor in your field who you can discuss it with?

BJR, here for you if you need to vent or talk. 'Hiya Henry' sounds so sweet! DS is still terrified of the noise ours makes.

We've got metal cutlery (using teaspoons as the handles are harder to fit through rabbit cage bars than baby spoon) but he still eats with his hands most of the time, not too fussed as long as he can use a knife & fork by 3.
We have so much finger food in this house (curries, wraps etc) that we don't use cutlery every meal.

He's still hairy (getting a fringe trim every fortnight) but I won't let DH cut the curls until he's slightly older (or the new one comes & I cba to pull the weetabix/yogurt out by hand).

mopsy, what does DH think?
Would you be likely to get a similar position closer to home or is this the perfect position now to boost CV?

Love Xiao's (parents!) suggestion of Skype, but I guess it's how much you'll miss DH/DD & how well he'll cope parenting/living alone for half the week (will you be doing all the morning over the weekend because you've had uninterrupted sleep whereas he's been dealing with a teething monster etc).
If it's not until later this year, DD will (hopefully) be so much more vocal, would you feel really guilty having a 2yr old tugging your trouser leg & crying 'Mummy, stay' & not understanding that you'll be back soon?
So much to think about! When do you have to give your answer by?

DS is suddenly terrified of the bath again, any tips?
If I'm in it, he'll stand by the side & splash the water but the second you pick him up to plonk him in, he throws a tantrum.
He hates being touched by a wet sponge & no amount of bubbles/toys/music distracts him. Taz hate water.

Afraid there is no finding out until the end of may xiao, not even top notch professors with clout could find out. This is one of the hardest decisions ever. And I thought once viva scariness was over it would all be so easy. Hah!
Looking at my little mopsy head toddling about, I can't imagine leaving her but I suppose we would all get used to it...

Gah DS knackered due to his 5.30 start and must be teething he's screamed for an hour nothing would stop him headache for me and now a mad dash to local shop as have nothing suitable for an unexpected 8 o'clock dinner

Mopsy sounds like a fantastic opportunity. What does DH say about it?

Figgy sounds very much like Sky with the early waking!

Darcie has gained another Brownie badge tonight...Computer...she will also be receiving her Science Badge next week! All this sewing. So proud of my bean

FWIW Mopsy, as it's only 5 months I think I'd go for it. Plus the fact that you'd get a three/four day weekend with MiniM. Although I see DS a bit in the mornings and evenings, like Xiao I mainly see him at the weekends, so it doesn't sound too bad to me!
But given it's time-limited and short, I don't think it will in any way hurt your relationship with your DD; with your DH, it sounds like it will be tough. And I'd probably wait until you're back to start ttc, just so you can focus totally on the lecturing and not be ill (which is often the basic one-word summary of what early and late pregnancy is).
The issues will mainly be practical, and how your DH feels about it, but I'd take the chance, it sounds amazing and a great first step.

How's it going BJR, how are you today?

Today right move is my friend again DP has just told me that he is not going to change and has no intention of trying. He has a high stress job and to him that excuses any behaviour on his part. He said the stress he is under doesn't allow him to be the parent he wants to be.

He's made it clear that I either accept things as they are or leave. I guess I just have to stop being a wimp and make my choice

good luck with the decision mopsy all I will say is the BFPs don't necessarily come to schedule! Sounds like a great opportunity though, in theory at least....

House is progressing nicely and so far the cash has not run out, though we seem to be pledging rather a lot of it to various causes. Second plumber coming tomorrow to view the showers of dooom with a more definitive quote. I've found a few possible replacements on line (torn between a £400 b&q number and a £800 kubrik(sp) robust one-piece ie no tiling shower pod. Plus £350-400 for each actual new shower as we want a Mira brand one, had one before and it was
Fab) plus fitting and repairs and tesco value bidet and sink....

But more importantly the DDs have named the understairs cupboard Hogwarts and have drawn pictureframes on the breezeblocks, I'm going to paint them up into picture frames and then they will draw lots of wizards in the frames a la Harry Potter. It's kind of like a permanent version of our old cardboard wendy house, only more fun....

X-post BJR, oh no, really sorry to hear that. What an arsey thing to say to you; relationships should involve diiscussion and respect, not ultimatums. There's a somewhere in here, it's there to be used. Do think carefully before making your decision though, it's got to be what's the best for you and DS. Keep posting if it helps, we're all here virtual like (((((hug))))))

Oh shit BJR, not good. That's not even an 'excuse'...my high stress job means, for example, DP taking DS tonight as I have interviews the next two days...it does not stop me being a parent.
I think the approach of getting some legal advice to see where you stand is for best- you don't have to use it but you've got it if you do.

And you and DS deserve better.

Oh no BJR that's :( I 2nd everything Northern said.

oh no BJR that's awful and that's a tough decision to make. I third Northern's advice.

Thanks for advice ladies. Career wise would be a good choice but I think family wise probably not and my husband has been so supportive of me through my PhD (and living apart) and is willing to support me through this but I feel like it really isn't something he wants. And he really wants us to try for another baby and that's what I would want do were it not for career. Ugh. Any decision one part will be wrong and one right... and of course even though got pregnant the first week I tried last time that mightn't be the case this time. But I'm 35. Haven't got forever and I feel like it is tempting fate to wait when I'm in a position to try. Argh.

I hear ya mopsy, dH and I had similar chats a long time ago and I know I'd be in a totally different place career wise if we'd stayed child-free. But the path we've taken involves children and family life and inevitable compromises. And I would't swap it for the world even if being an temporary SAHM is far tougher for me mentally than it should be. I feel like such a whinger

Thinking of you today BJR.

AF arrived over night :( added a pic I FB group of Sky this morning.

erring towards turning it down. Mr. Mopsy being v supportive but I know he doesn't want me to go and he wants baby 2 as we both feel 2 year age gap ideal (in both our families that is the gap). I suppose I'll just have to hope sth else turns up and if not find something else intellectually satisfying to do.

Do you ever regret it aethel or is it all fine? I don't want to be an absent mother really...

PS sorry about aunty Flo Queen... next month, fingers x