December 2011 (drop-in) - The Trouble With Dribbles

[LittleMissFlustered]

ahhh - don't know what to do about my dh. As you will have gathered we are not getting on very well at all. We sleep in separate rooms, we are barely talking and when we do we seem to row and now he is threatening to resign from his job tomorrow so he can stay home and look after the kids as he thinks it is the dossy option and unfair of me to expect him to do anything regarding housework, childcare (except playing) as he goes to work and if I dont like I can go to work instead and he would happily stay and look after the Dcs. All because he asked me if I wanted to go camping with the Dcs for one night with some friends. I was honest and said not particularly as it was a lot of work and hassle camping with a baby and a preschooler for one night and I would end up doing the packing etc and I don't enjoy camping that much. Apparently all I want to do is sit on my arse all day and not do anything etc etc

Is it worth it? would single parent hood be better?

Sorry to hear that jiggle no advice unfortunately am sure someone else will have something constructive for you.

Lo was grumbly tonight he sat on my knee all evening and chewed on his teether else he cried (strategically chose dinner which lent itself to 1 handed eating). He's gone to bed early with some calpol as he seemed really tired. Tomorrow (hopefully) we have swimming, wriggle and rhyme and need to pick car up from garage will see how he feels though first.

Jiggle, rather than the grand gesture drama queen of resigning, I'd suggest that your DP take obe week's leave. During this week you can list some unwanted household stuff on ebay ( use the library to do the computer access or take your laptop to a coffee shop). This simulates you working away from home and leaves him with the children. Leave him a list of the housework you do while he's away. I give him two days, that should be enought for him to get some insight.

DS is chowing down on the new "third course dinner" slot. I really hope ge doesn't demand coffee and mints at 1am......

I second aethel's idea. That and a large :(

How have I already been up 3 times since 10.45?

jiggle - I'd agree with him taking a week off and leaving him in the "hot seat". I'm lucky because DH is understanding, but he still doesn't get how soul destroying it is to be up every 90 minutes in the night, then having to be happy and playful all day with the very thing that's made you exhausted - plus housework and generally trying to keep yourself sane.

Air - I think what you're feeling is normal. I spend my nights walking between bed and cot with sleep deprivation and an all out certainty that I'll never sleep again, and what's the fucking point because no-one understands, or admits to understanding the resentment. Then DS1 wakes early because of DS2, and spends an hour thundering between bed and toilet for Something To Do because he knows it's not time to get up.

I had PND with DS1 and it was awful. I was functioning, but with constant intrusive thoughts. I would have hallucinations on a night with night terrors, and would often fight myself to not head out in the car and drive under a tractor. I'm petrified of it happening again, and read too much into my thoughts now, trying to identify triggers.

What I tried to say in my other post is that the thing I find hardest with kids and depression (singularly and together) is that it feels like a sadistic/masochistic love in some ways. When DH keeps me awake all night snoring, I can kick nudge him, get stroppy, make him go elsewhere. It's not his fault he snores, but I've no bloody patience. If he didn't feel like sleeping one night and disturbed me by chatting or whining that I wouldn't entertain him, it'd be unacceptable. I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with him the next day.

And yet with DS2, he keeps me awake when he doesn't want to sleep. He will wake me for food, then decide he doesn't want any. Like the snoring, it's not something he can control - but I also "can't" feel the same resentment I would towards anyone else. And I still have to play and care for him the next day, even when I feel half dead.

I feel I've wittered in sleepy delirium...

jiggle what aethel and Mimsy say. Make sure you're out most of the week!

Gag lo woke at 5.30 he's refused to back to bed since despite doing the fall asleep in arms, put back to bed and immediately wake up dance 5 times!!! By 7am I gave up and came downstairs but now he's grumbling as he's tired. Think he has a cold coming his nose is a bit runny so no swimming this am.

DH says maybe i feed DS when he doesn't really need it, as he doesn't really cry much at night". Er no, that's me feeding him before he gets wailingly hungry and upset and wakes you up....
Roll on the weekend!

DH says he is tired 'from being up in the night's. [Hmm] from me as all he has done opened his eyes, spoken two sentences to me and opened up a nappy. Apparently that constitutes being up ok the night....

Typical I warmed a bottle for lo as had had enough of the crying/sleep refusal after 2.5 hours where even the emergency dummy had no effect and the sound of the microwave has sent him off. Oh well may as well have a shower now.

My DH was the same I would be up for 2 hours at a time some feeds sitting in a different room listening to Dh snore from our room and yet in morning "he didn't get any sleep". I particularly loved when I pointed this out he'd say it wasnt a competition who had the crappest night ........well that's funny as that's exactly what I thought you were doing

Hi everyone! Sorry to hear some people's men are behaving like babies! I haven't really got any advice other than I think this is something we all have to go through for a little while longer until the actual babies start sleeping better!

Generally speaking my DH is good, it does piss me off when he pretends to be asleep when DS wakes up! I do all the night time stuff and DH will usually do one night duty on a Friday/Saturday night. I am fine with this arrangement,I just wish he would own up to being awake as it would feel like we're in it together if that makes sense?

We gave DS some puréed carrot last night and mixed it with a bit of formula milk, after an initial look of confusion he then grinned and finished the lot! Had a lovely orange nappy this morning....gross! I have been assured this is perfectly normal and the colours get more interesting whatever they eat. No broccoli for DS for the time being then!

Jiggle, I think being a single parent would be hard but if your dh is being so unreasonable, then you would probably cope better. How would you cope financially? You don't need to share that but need to consider it. I suppose the big question is, do you love him? If so, then maybe suggest relationship counselling or try and sit down and have a proper talk

I do think he needs a reality check because childcare and running a home does not lend well to sitting on your arse! I hope you get resolution soon xx

I wrote that last night but it wouldn't post!!

Ds treated me last night and went from 7.20 until 5.30 then back down 20 mins later and is still asleep! Keep going up to check him! I've put the ironing board up so he'll wake in a minute.

Sounds like a few dps/dhs on here need a kick up the bum!! Im usually so quiet during nightfeeds that dp doesn't realise I've been up but im sure I'd be ordering haddocks if he had to wake more! It's a good job I cope better on less sleep than he does!

Have a great day, all, looks like another wet one here

5 minutes after my last post he woke up AGAIN hes now been up since 5.30 apart from about 15 mins sleep. Starting to think theres no point going to rhyme time today he will either fall asleep as soon as we get there or be horrid. Hes never like this think its teething, jabs and a bit of a snot nose

Terrible night :( Sleep regression is kicking my ass. DP made me laugh this morning; apparently it's making him tired too he sleeps through all the feeding & crying but apparently it's not the same quality of sleep. Hilarious!

DS had jabs yesterday which went well; virtually no reaction just a bit more quiet than usual. Can't really count the bad night as we've had lots of those recently. Looking forward to tonight though as he seems to alternate fucking awful nights with so-so ones. Intelligent boy; clearly he's happy to push mummy to the edge but doesn't want me tipping over it

Sounds like the majority of you are having a tough time right now. Major sympathies and haddocks where necessary. I how things improve soon. Sorry I don'thave time to individually reply but sister's wedding is today!! We are also v v tired due to baba with very bad chesty cold who has been waking loads to cough/cry, the poor little thing, hate seeing her so upset. We have both caught whatever she has as well so are feeling very under the weather. Not the ideal holiday! But at least she's not worse.

Oh and welcome mimsy!

hugs to jiggy, I agree with Aethel and the others, get him to take some annual leave. On those days, get out of the house at whatever time he usually leaves and don't come back til his normal return time. And then say "what's for dinner, I'm knackered?" After a few days, you'll both be able to sit down and have a grown up talk about working together as a family to create a happy family home. Once you have agreed a plan of action, see if someone can babysit for a night and go and have a night away from home in a nice hotel, and try to remember what you saw in each other before the kids came along.
Or, if you've really had enough, just pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep for when he gets home from work.
BOi slept from 8-11pm, 11-2, 2-3... and then was really upset. Eventually he was so upset that whilst screaming and being patted and cuddled he began to gag. Then he coughed up a lot of mucus - from mouth and nose, and once we'd cleaned him up, he was all smiles (and snot). I got busy with the saline spray (I am a stealth sprayer, but he's getting wise to my moves), and that upset him again, but he was soon all smiles and snot again. But then he wanted to chatter and play, and it took us til 5 am to get him to sleep again. Yawn. I hadn't set my alarm correctly, so DH woke me at 7.
I should have been up at 5:50! Hey ho! I was a little late into the office, but I'm sure no one really noticed or cared. (My boss in in the US, and I'm a manager, so it's more for myself that I want to be seen to be putting in the hours again).
My DH has been quite different with me being back at work. previously I would look after BOi exclusively at nights, to try and let DH sleep. He would often wake when BOi wants to be fed, but would stay in sleep-mode as agreed, so that his rest wouldn't be too affected.
Obvioulsy DH can't breastfeed, so it's still me who has to get up at night, but he will try and support us, and if a nappy needs changing, he'll do it or at least offer to do it.
He was a bit slow on the uptake of housework/dinner making/nursery prep rituals in the evening, but has caught on to the idea - curtesy of some haddock-sized hints - and is beginning to try. (I sometimes read out how some of your DPs are behaving, with mock-shock-horror, so he gets the message about what might not be acceptable.)

Oi, that's an excellent way of getting over what's acceptable behaviour to your dh! I use similar tactics by saying stuff like "I'm so happy that you're more thoughtful/useful than this dp/dh". He practically puffs out his chest with pride which is great because i want him to want to be involved and be helpful - and I want our kids to realise that a partnership of this kind should be equal although dd is the laziest person I know, little madam

They are such simple creatures. (he he he!)

thanks for the advice ladies. sadly dh would think it was a "waste" of his leave to do that and would probably get his mum in to "help". i am thinking of going away for a weekend when his parents are on holiday. i did write him a long letter last night to explain how I felt as I did not want to argue, he has read it and replied to some points but mostly just defensively. I don't really want to leave as I want the kids to have both of us around and I would struggle financially but I also don't want the rest of my life to be like this.