here goes... so, remember this is the visit mil has foisted upon us - the one where she overheard me talking to someone else on the phone, and then once i got off the phone, it was basically a done deal that they were coming down for 4 days in order to cover the afternoon and evening when dh MIGHT possibly not be here. hmm...
so they arrived yesterday early afternoon. i had been feeling particularly shit. dd1 had been ill during the night and dd2 had been a bit grizzly, so dh and i both of us got very very little sleep during the night. oh, and i'm on day 3 of a tummy bug which means i shit myself silly all the time and have no appetite (already back to pre preggers weight - just proves how porky i was in the first place). not to mention the no iron thing. dh left that morning to do a bit of work - dd1 at childminder's, dd2 who normally sleeps for britain, was very grizzly, so i couldn't rest. they arrived and yet again, mil doesn't ask me how i am. i mean, isn't that a given? a new mum - you ask how they are??? fil did (he has actually been a star through the whole thing).
i hand the baby over to the mil who REEKS of smoke (the day after the health visitor tells me you're not supposed to let smokers breathe over your newborn for at least an hour after their last cigarette) and go and have a shower. i come down - and a lovely but quite new friend of mine arrives wiht her 20 month old and we all sit downstairs for a couple of hours. during that time i mention how great the parents in law have been in terms of looking after the dds, and i also say how i have no idea how i'm going to do it on my own. mil then spends a good 5 mins basically telling me how i'm going to do it ("you can rock the pram with one hand while you cuddle dd1"), and more importantly how she did it in her day (doesn't mention the valium i know she was prescribed or the gin bottles which disappeared as fast as they arrived, does she?). she also manages to talk about "but it was easy for us in those days because we had a ROUTINE, because we fed every four hours, because there was none of this feeding on demand thing" etc etc. she basically manages to shit all over my parenting choices in her 5 mins of self-glorification.
then dd1 is delivered back from the childminders - she isn't well and is very clingy and doesn't want to know her grandparents particularly. she eventually perks up a bit, but mil follows her around everywhere. R is really independent and does her own thing, but mil hovers the entire time. drives both me and R insane. R disappears behind the sofa, does a spectacularly fake cry, mil jumps up and comes over, i say "oh, leave her, she's not hurt and she'll learn". R pokes her smiling face up from behind the sofa.
anyway - then we eventually get to bathtime - it's all a bit fraught - R is very upset that i can't carry her upstairs and fights and fights her grandpa who carries her. i bathe G while R screams on mil's lap, and then i sponge R down to get her cool and get her dressed. she is really distressed by this point. mil carries G downstairs and i follow, asking R to hold my hand. she screams and screams at which point mil says - AND I QUOTE "don't be pathetic" (pause pause pause - during which time all i hear is the p-word) "you should be smiling holding mummy's hand". (i know, weird, isn't it?) all i hear or see is the p-word - i don't translate the mil crazy talk into proper talk - and i pick R up (shouldn't, but i do) and say "Sheila, please don't call my daughter pathetic. She is ill and she needs to feel she can express how unhappy she is".
then she says "we'll be leaving tomorrow, V, you have been nothing but unfriendly to me today - this is the third time you've spoken to me like this and i don't feel welcome here and we'll be going"
i was THIS close to asking her what on earth made her think she could stay even one night and she should get a hotel. but i didn't.
i then let a few minutes go by - and asked her if we could talk about this face to face like grown ups - she says "oh, just go away V".
so i put dd1 to bed, wait for dh to come home and then we have the conversation (it's not fair to do it without him). i am ranted at and railed at. i let her. then i tell her what she said and she BARE FACED LIES ABOUT WHAT SHE SAYS. she literally lies in my face about what she said, retranslating it into something much more normal. without the p-word. now, in retrospect, i can see she wasn't being that mean, but i really didn't make that sentence up (isn't it weird?), and i really did hear that p-word (which obviously upsets me very much).
anyway... we then have a bit conversation where i get upset that i don't have a mum and tell her that she has behaved without a modicum of maternal feeling for me or her son, and without any sense of female solidarity for going through childbirth. she does concede that she is "cold"- she uses the word twice.
i do a lot of apologising and conceding ("i'm sorry if you are so hurt/ i have to realise how you aren't as demonstrative with your feelings as i am and i'm sorry i've upset you") etc etc. but NOTHING FROM HER. she spends her time raising eyebrows and patronising me.
she ends up going for another cigarette outside and fil tells me that she has a pathological need to be right about everything and to let it wash over me, like he does over him. and i suddenly realise how this family works - all these 3 men in her life simply stop listening to her and let her rant and rail and tell her she's right or don't even bother to engage with her about anything. this just isn't the way i am built. am going to have to learn, though, aeren't i? he also told me she will never apologise and never admit seh was wrong.
and today they are still here... i haven't even been downstairs and haven't seen them all day - been in bed all day. had another shit night - dd1 super feverish all night so we were up every hour with her, regardless of dd2. i still have this tummy bug - have doctor's appt in an hour - and apart from dd2's feeds and dd1 running in, i've only seen dh.
dh has been great - he is firmly on my side, although he would never make the fuss i've made. i feel terribly alone, though. i want my mum. i want my mum to tell me i'm right, to tell me it'll be fine, to tell this WITCH TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. which she would have done.
anyway. they are being practically helpful which is great. and i haven't had to interact with her which is doubly great. although i've got to get up soon and face downstairs.
it's absolutely nothing compared to what spot is going through, so i do feel a bit trivial. but fundamentally i don't want this woman in my children's life. she lives to be miserable and disappointed and brings her misery with her. and i've got no effing choice.