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Blaming circumstances rather than taking some responsibility?

154 replies

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 07:21

In light of the budget today, do we think that without trying all that much harder, some of these people complaining about their circumstances could do so much better.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cmx235r9wr3yo

Take Robert for example. He is 29 and earns £22k a year at Newcastle Airport. Still lives at home with his parents, and is single (no surprises there if he's still living at home). At minimum wage, on average that equates to 33 hours of work per week on average.

He says his getting to work costs for his 32 mile commute are £750 a month including car finance, and he pays his mum £250 for rent and food. His earnings after tax will be £1,613 per month.

Excluding the likely costs for fuel, insurance, tax, and a bit of maintenance, I’d estimate that his car finance is likely costing him around £500 per month. That’s nearly a third of his take home – batshit insane!

He desperately wants wants to move out too, yet seems (judging by the framing of the article) to blame circumstances for his poor predicament.

So what would I do if I was him?

Firstly I'd ditch the car finance and buy a cheap fuel efficient small car for £1,000 (ish), taking a small loan if needed to achieve that (£500 a month saved).

Move out from his parents (£250 month saved).

Rent a luxury 2 bed flat on the side of Newcastle nearer the airport (less commuting distance) and find someone to rent the 2nd room. Cost £750per person including all bills and council tax. Key here is that 2 bed flats are far cheaper per person than a 1 bed flat, and you get much more for your money.

His monthly costs would then be as follows:

Rent, bills, council tax: £750
Car & motoring expenses (assume living nearer airport): £300
Food (learn to cook): £250
Phone/internet: £50

Total of £1,350 so leaving him with £263 a month spare cash.

And after that he’s left living in a lovely flat in a lovely part of town. Much more viable a prospect as a potential partner I’d have thought without his parents cramping his style?

Once the above is established, I would then take on a small part time job, perhaps in a bar so he can socialise and meet people at work. 12 x hours per week, taking his working hours per week to 45 hours per week should be easily achievable and would bring in an additional £500 a month after tax.

This extra cash can be invested in training to further his skills so that he can bring much more value to the workforce and consequentially earn far more than the minimum wage job he currently has. Or he could use his extra money to start a business or invest for a deposit on his own place. Or he could just spend it and be happy.

It's really not that hard is it? Or am I the crazy one for suggesting that people should become more self reliant, and work harder to further themselves rather than sit moaning, blaming circumstance for their current dissatisfaction with life?

OP posts:
intheshadyborder · 28/10/2026 11:56

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 11:52

I was living in a shared house until I was nearly 30, yes. It was a LOT of fun.

That's a coincidence!

Nevermissabeat · 28/10/2026 11:56

rusk my car is a reliable brand driven sensibly, with full service history from a dealer. It still costs me stupid money every year. Repairing cars isn't cheap anymore.

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 11:57

Octavia64 · 28/10/2026 11:53

In 1998 I was on a grad scheme with a salary of 25k.

my dc graduated last year. One of her friends is doing a grad scheme (atomic energy) on 35k.

That’s an increase of 40%.

houses in my city have gone up from 56k to 350k
(that’s the house I bought with my then boyfriend).

That’s a 525% increase.

my city now can’t keep teachers and similar because they csn’t afford even a room in a shared hmo.

If wages are now so poor, how do the shared HMO's get tenants then if no-one can afford to live there?

OP posts:
RedTagAlan · 28/10/2026 11:58

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 11:37

Blame the system rather than take some personal responsibility for your own direction in life. If you think like that then you'll always be a loser.

Oh. Now I am a loser, according to you.

And there we have it. When someone describes a person as a failure, it is worth taking some time to explore the motivation, or character, of the person calling someone a "failure".

In this case, when a possible double standard was looked at, in this case your own DD having a car bought for her, all of a sudden there is a switch to insult mode.

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 12:02

RedTagAlan · 28/10/2026 11:58

Oh. Now I am a loser, according to you.

And there we have it. When someone describes a person as a failure, it is worth taking some time to explore the motivation, or character, of the person calling someone a "failure".

In this case, when a possible double standard was looked at, in this case your own DD having a car bought for her, all of a sudden there is a switch to insult mode.

With respect, with nothing positive to add to this conversation, you do sound like a bit of a loser.

OP posts:
Thechickenhasmypillow · 28/10/2026 12:10

I bet he buys avocado toast all the time.
What a loser.
If he gave that up he'd have a property portfolio by now.
Just not trying.

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 12:13

Thechickenhasmypillow · 28/10/2026 12:10

I bet he buys avocado toast all the time.
What a loser.
If he gave that up he'd have a property portfolio by now.
Just not trying.

Anyone still living at their mums at the age of 29 clearly hasn't tried very hard. But I've suggested a fully costed route out for him.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/10/2026 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You sound nice.

And it's very easy to pontificate about what others should do when you're sitting on 2 millions worth of investments.

Thechickenhasmypillow · 28/10/2026 12:27

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/10/2026 12:17

You sound nice.

And it's very easy to pontificate about what others should do when you're sitting on 2 millions worth of investments.

I have a family member like that.
Believes that low earners just need to work harder. Totally missing the point that the hardest working people are often on min wage.
Used to lecture me because I treated myself to a takeaway coffee once a week whilst dropping £1000 a month on fucking dogsitting.
Totally out of touch

curliegirlie · 28/10/2026 12:29

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 07:50

The guy is 29 and STILL living with his parents. Surely even resorting to a moped or a pushbike would be preferable to still living at home with your mum, complaining that you can't find a girlfriend or a boyfriend (probably because you still live at home with your mum).

You’re obsessed with the fact the guy is 29 and still living with his parents, yet it’s a reality for many.

Hell, my DH and I spent several years living with his Mum whilst he was looking for a training contract and then working as a trainee lawyer (I was studying for a PhD and working PT, so also not earning much). We managed to get our first flat aged 29 and 26…and this was the best part of 20 years ago…

HopeMumsnet · 28/10/2026 12:32

Hi all,
We have some concerns about this OP and are taking a look behind the scenes. Don't be too surprised if you don't see them again, but we'll leave the thread in case anyone wishes to discuss the issues arising.

curliegirlie · 28/10/2026 12:33

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 12:13

Anyone still living at their mums at the age of 29 clearly hasn't tried very hard. But I've suggested a fully costed route out for him.

We were trying very hard, thank you very much, but DH had to pay off his law school loan before we could have any chance at saving for a deposit. And living with his Mum enabled him to do this faster, if still not particularly quickly.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/10/2026 12:34

Thechickenhasmypillow · 28/10/2026 12:27

I have a family member like that.
Believes that low earners just need to work harder. Totally missing the point that the hardest working people are often on min wage.
Used to lecture me because I treated myself to a takeaway coffee once a week whilst dropping £1000 a month on fucking dogsitting.
Totally out of touch

OP actually sounds very insecure about not being thought a 'loser' or a 'failure.'

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/10/2026 12:35

HopeMumsnet · 28/10/2026 12:32

Hi all,
We have some concerns about this OP and are taking a look behind the scenes. Don't be too surprised if you don't see them again, but we'll leave the thread in case anyone wishes to discuss the issues arising.

Yes, they were slightly overdoing it as the thread progressed.

RedTagAlan · 28/10/2026 12:48

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 12:02

With respect, with nothing positive to add to this conversation, you do sound like a bit of a loser.

According to you.

I have to say though, it is good to see so many other posters who have compassion and understanding. Rather than, you know, some sort of Republican/Reform/Restore " pull your bootlaces up" ideology, that is directed at others, but not at your own offspring.

Youdoneedtorun · 28/10/2026 12:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Minasama · 28/10/2026 12:54

So I agree with you OP, having prioritised education, work and saving for 35 years.

However some people are simply not equipped to move for a job opportunity, work their way up, keep learning etc. It seems our culture and education system is not very good at equipping them either.

I do think we seem to have a particularly large tranche of workshy people in this country who are not self reliant though.

Also culturally we do not (and I would never) do like many of my German friends and French colleagues ie professional couple lives apart in the week and has one child only. I would never even consider living apart from my husband because of work, nor did I want to only have one child.
That is a good thing, I think.

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/10/2026 12:55

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 07:37

He is 29 years old FFS, and still living at home! I moved out of home when I was 18 and was earning far less than this guy (inflation adjusted). Yet I survived and actually really enjoyed myself. My dad got married, was a home owner and had me by the time he was 27.

I was also a home owner at 27. I bought a flat in central London for 2x my annual income. (I was in a new graduate job). DC1 lives in a fairly cheap area, 50ish miles from London and would need a mortgage of 5x their income and a substantial deposit.

Times have changed.

MiniPantherOwner · 28/10/2026 14:22

Trolls could at least double check the assumptions they're basing their judgemental posts on. The article just states income, without stating if this is before or after tax. Since it includes people on UC it probably is take home income, so they are comparing like with like. This means Robert is actually working around 40 hours a week and OPs plans for their second job would be somewhat tricky especially since they are likely working shifts.

Boomer55 · 28/10/2026 16:23

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 07:37

He is 29 years old FFS, and still living at home! I moved out of home when I was 18 and was earning far less than this guy (inflation adjusted). Yet I survived and actually really enjoyed myself. My dad got married, was a home owner and had me by the time he was 27.

I think we were more self sufficient years ago. I got married at 18 and ran a rented home with a husband and 2 kids. It’s what we did then. 🤷‍♀️

dwordle · 28/10/2026 18:30

Ruskins · 28/10/2026 07:21

In light of the budget today, do we think that without trying all that much harder, some of these people complaining about their circumstances could do so much better.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cmx235r9wr3yo

Take Robert for example. He is 29 and earns £22k a year at Newcastle Airport. Still lives at home with his parents, and is single (no surprises there if he's still living at home). At minimum wage, on average that equates to 33 hours of work per week on average.

He says his getting to work costs for his 32 mile commute are £750 a month including car finance, and he pays his mum £250 for rent and food. His earnings after tax will be £1,613 per month.

Excluding the likely costs for fuel, insurance, tax, and a bit of maintenance, I’d estimate that his car finance is likely costing him around £500 per month. That’s nearly a third of his take home – batshit insane!

He desperately wants wants to move out too, yet seems (judging by the framing of the article) to blame circumstances for his poor predicament.

So what would I do if I was him?

Firstly I'd ditch the car finance and buy a cheap fuel efficient small car for £1,000 (ish), taking a small loan if needed to achieve that (£500 a month saved).

Move out from his parents (£250 month saved).

Rent a luxury 2 bed flat on the side of Newcastle nearer the airport (less commuting distance) and find someone to rent the 2nd room. Cost £750per person including all bills and council tax. Key here is that 2 bed flats are far cheaper per person than a 1 bed flat, and you get much more for your money.

His monthly costs would then be as follows:

Rent, bills, council tax: £750
Car & motoring expenses (assume living nearer airport): £300
Food (learn to cook): £250
Phone/internet: £50

Total of £1,350 so leaving him with £263 a month spare cash.

And after that he’s left living in a lovely flat in a lovely part of town. Much more viable a prospect as a potential partner I’d have thought without his parents cramping his style?

Once the above is established, I would then take on a small part time job, perhaps in a bar so he can socialise and meet people at work. 12 x hours per week, taking his working hours per week to 45 hours per week should be easily achievable and would bring in an additional £500 a month after tax.

This extra cash can be invested in training to further his skills so that he can bring much more value to the workforce and consequentially earn far more than the minimum wage job he currently has. Or he could use his extra money to start a business or invest for a deposit on his own place. Or he could just spend it and be happy.

It's really not that hard is it? Or am I the crazy one for suggesting that people should become more self reliant, and work harder to further themselves rather than sit moaning, blaming circumstance for their current dissatisfaction with life?

250 quid for food, hardly realistic. Food for one person will be close to 100 for the week.

RedTagAlan · 28/10/2026 18:36

dwordle · 28/10/2026 18:30

250 quid for food, hardly realistic. Food for one person will be close to 100 for the week.

Yup. Add in "I need a new pair of socks", and we get people deciding between buying socks or going hungry for a day.

dwordle · 28/10/2026 18:38

Boomer55 · 28/10/2026 16:23

I think we were more self sufficient years ago. I got married at 18 and ran a rented home with a husband and 2 kids. It’s what we did then. 🤷‍♀️

The difference is the cost of renting now....it's 500 a week where I live for a flat. Even HMOs are charging 250 a week.

Look at food now, it's like 5 quid for a small pack of mince.

Remember a lot of young people no longer go out drinking but when I was 16 a pint of lager was like 60 pence, I was earning about 15,000 a year. A curry at the local Indian restaurant was a fiver. If I go out for a cheap night out it can easily hit a 100 quid.

Boomer55 · 29/10/2026 08:00

dwordle · 28/10/2026 18:38

The difference is the cost of renting now....it's 500 a week where I live for a flat. Even HMOs are charging 250 a week.

Look at food now, it's like 5 quid for a small pack of mince.

Remember a lot of young people no longer go out drinking but when I was 16 a pint of lager was like 60 pence, I was earning about 15,000 a year. A curry at the local Indian restaurant was a fiver. If I go out for a cheap night out it can easily hit a 100 quid.

Yeah - I went into my local pub a few weeks back (first time for months) abd got charged over £9 for a small glass of wine. 😳

Gotta lurve London prices. 🙄

Nolongera · 29/10/2026 09:25

Lexibletheflexible · 28/10/2026 07:28

If he buys a car for a grand, the cost of Maintainence is likely to rise. He will end up without a car very soon.

The answer here is higher pay and better public transport.

The airport has a metro station and bus services, including night buses.
You can live quite happily in Newcastle without a car, I did for years.

In a way it's kind of liberating, people are chained through choice in many cases to their car. I still don't have a car.