Continuing Non-Denominational Support for StarnStripes in her new life

[Portofino]

You can be strong!

My pleasure Stars

Good to see you posting with your head so together. Well done for keeping on.

I don't know your h stars but I feel uneasy with this change of character from him. I'm sure you are anyway but be on your guard

I've been thinking about this some more Stars and think you really shouldn't be taken in by H's apparant change of behaviour. I think by saying to you that he thinks a couple of years apart will be good for you both, it's still his way of maintaining control over you, by saying this he is taking hold of the reins and giving his permission for you leaving. That could also be why he seems ok with things, because he feels in control, because he has decided the separation is a good idea.

I totally agree with TimeForMe, everything is still all about him, what HE thinks, what HE wants. I also agree that he is probably on his very best behaviour at the moment to try and win brownie points. The real test of his true colours will come in the weeks to come when reality really starts to hit.

I'm so so proud of you Stars, you grow as a person every day and it is a joy to watch from my laptop screen!

so proud of you stars.

Stars! Thank you for updating us!
I've been so worried that perhaps the children hadn't been returned.

Crazy really to be so concerned over a total stranger, but your story has really moved me.

I'm so pleased that all is well and hope that you daughter settles into her new school quickly.

I can't even begin to imagine how much you must be enjoying your evenings. The bath with tea-lights sounds fab! I might try one of those myself!

Hope you're very happy for a very, very long time. You deserve it.

Stars, here goes .......... i've been lurking on MN for over 2 years and in all that time of reading some funny, heartwarming, sad, angry and downright hysterical threads i've not once posted as i figured once i start i won't be able to stop !!!

BUT i've been reading your posts for quite sometime and HAD to say something.
I THINK YOU'RE BLOODY MARVELLOUS!!!!

Well done for doing all that you've done thus far and will no doubt continue to do - i'm stunned that an internet forum can help someone so much and as a result that person turns their life around - its astonishing and an absolute joy to "watch".
GOOD LUCK

OC xx

Stars, how wonderful. Such good news and long may it continue! I'm so happy for you.

Hi Stars - haven't posted for a while but have been keeping up to date and just wanted to say how thrilled I am that things are going OK. You've already said that you KNOW you did the right thing, and it really shines through from your latest posts. I don't suppose ex-H has really changed one little bit, but at least his being suspiciously nice is easier to deal with than shouting and storming. I know there's no going back for you, but maybe, just maybe, he will become a better parent now because of the wake-up call you've given him.

Just thrilled for you. You're fantastic.

Hi ,thanks for all your good wishes.

DD had a few more tears today but settled really quickly.

H was on his usual form last night and now wants a list of all the items I took from the house.
Also he was being sarcastic about the fact that I have to rely on benefits at the moment and how well off I will be compared to him.
He was also getting very rude and personal about my family which upset a bit as they have been so helpful and supportive emotionally and fianancially.
He has yet to offer me any money at all for the children.
Tonight though his phone call was all about telling me he still loved me and saying he had never been unfaithful in our marriage and we had an understanding at the start of our relationship that neither of us would be.
He wanted to know if that still stood.
Did'nt know what to say only that it was an inappropriate comment in the circumstances.

He is still adamant that solicitors should not be involved as he can't afford one.

Flibberty-apoligies I forgot to say thank you for the magnetic shopping list pad you sent me which is in pride of place in my kitchen.
Thank you.

PMSL-Thank you for the steamer and the DVD's .
The kids loved the DVD's and the steamer will be put to great use.
Much appreciated.
You are so kind.

Poor dd. It's so hard when they are upset

re; dh asking for a list of what you took. Ask him to give you a list of everything left behind!

Keep strong. You are doing so well.

xx

Stars - just to let you know I'm working on that doc of all your old posts, to give solicitor examples of unreasonable behaviour. It's taking forever... but will mail it to you tomorrow I hope.

As to H - how dare he ask you to commit to being faithful?! He just doesn't get it does he?

And none of these are his decision. Not the money, not the solicitor - he gave up any rights over you when he told you you were worthless, responsible for DS's SN, and should be committed.

Didn't mean to post so much - just got

, oh Stars , hes a twunt! But at least you can shut the door, turn off your phone and you've got peace now!... he's just making noise... he's got no hold over you now and its bugging the shit out of him! lol,.Asking if you've been faithful is a sneaky thing... He's looking for a reason to blame you for the split, to take the bad look off himself- going for the "poor me my wife cheated and so i had to ask her to leave " tactic- who do you think his audience is?, or is it for a solicitor?. I dont believe he wont get one... i think he's just again trying to get you in a vunerable position so he can have the upper hand , hoping you wont get a lawyer, so you wont have anyone to fight for you. Watch out for lies from him begining to circulate. My ex-h did the same thing, and he got his mother to lie for him as well! (like that worked, concidering she lived about 80 miles away and couldnt have been around at the time as was at work , silly twunts)

I'm sorry you are still having to speak to him. I would have thought no contact would have been best. What a dick.

Perhaps he persuades himself that not being unfaithful means he loves you.
When you think of how he did just about everything else to give you a bad time, though, the drinking, the emotional and verbal abuse, and the general superior attitude - doesn't sound much like love to me.

Oh stars, I am sorry that your DD has been upset. I suppose it is inevitable but I am sure you know that you are giving her something of long term importance in establishing firm boundaries of what is appropriate and what is not in terms of how men and women relate to each other.

It may seem silly to think of it now, but imagine her in 25 years time posting on MN. About how she is a confident happy woman because she saw her mother stand strong...as opposed to being a women confused and with issues around what it means to be in relationship - tolerating crap that would break your heart.

Breaking a cycle takes guts stars, real guts. That's why we take our hats off to you and that's why we are all here for the long haul for you

I think it sounds like your H will dig himself a hole big enough without you having to worry about it. I'd try and retain as dignified silence as possible - sounds like this is a quality you have from your style of posting, which is incredibly dignified, measured, fair and calm btw. The less info he has, the better. The less emotion he gets from you, the better.

Stars, the fact that he can't afford a solicitor is not your problem. It's his problem. He can always represent himself.

Please do not listen to his him. They're not your problems anymore. You are free to do what's best for you.

And what's best for you in this case, is to use a solicitor. I'm so pleased to hear that you're already speaking to one.

I bet he finds money to hire a solictor the minute he realises he needs one - perhaps by cutting back on his beer consumption.

Stars - am utterly clueless, but wouldn't he be entitled to legal aid, at the least in any case?

Someone put me right if I'm way off here

No need to apologise, just promise me that you'll never write bread or milk on it!!

Oh he didn't last long on that good behaviour did he? Now he wants to make sure you are still his property by trying to find out if there is anyone else.

You see he will think there is someone else, because he won't be able to accept that you found him so intolerable to live with that you upped and left and are happy to live on benefits. He will think someone has pinched you off him.

He on the other hand has probably been faithful but only because he'll have brewers droop 24/7.

By all means give him a list of things you have taken - as its probably a very teeny proportion of things in the house overall then he will be shooting himself in the foot if he tries to use it against you.

Remember that you are no longer in a relationship with him, he is your EXH not your H!

How pathetic that he is making snide comments about you being better off than him. As you didn't work its not like he has lost any financial contribution to the household - aha apart from the tax credits and child benefit which should have been paid to you all along but which he saw fit to spend at the pub.

And when the csa get on to him for a portion of his salary, we will expect to see him with a begging bowl on the pavement (big issue missus?)

Hopefully now that you are out of there you can detach yourself from him and think 'what a tosser' and just give him the 'do I know you?' stares that I found myself giving my ex after a while.

Shame you like the shopping list thingy, I was half hoping you'd filled it in and given it to him!

Need to go to bed now! Hope you are sleeping peacefully and that dd settles down soon into her new routine and new school.

"H was on his usual form last night and now wants a list of all the items I took from the house."

He can whistle for it.
Actually, that's how your list should read:
"1 whistle"

"I soon put him straight on that and said I am not thinking about any men at all."

Oops! Whether you are or not is none of his beeswax. Telling him once - even if it's only the truth - in his mind will set a precedent and make him feel entitled to to be reassured again.

Anyway, I reckon all this business of wanting to know if your vows still stand is him thinking he can divorce you for adultery first so his unreasonable behaviour doesn't go on record!!!

I suppose you could say to him 'another man? after my experience with you? computer says no......'

Anyway glad you like the bits I left and I will take you up on the coffee as long as it's my shout at The Waffle House.
Mmmmm caramel apple waffles......

You have your own life now Stars. Any words that come out of his mouth are meaningless. I would suggest that you tell him you are putting the phone down when he starts saying things that upset you. You don't have to listen to his abusive crap anymore. x

Lovely to hear from you Stars - and you really are a different person from the one that posted about shopping. Can you believe that it was such a mundane thing that got you posting here, found you the support of Dread in particular, and has got you to where you are now - in such a short time too really, when you consider the change!

I hope that dd will settle in properly soon - it is a change, but it will be one that your dcs will not look on with regret when they have grown up.

I see H is back to his normal again - what a surprise . I do hope that you're going to ignore the demand for the list!

It will be good, in time, if he can have positive weekends with the children when it suits you, so at least he is making some effort with them.

Solicitor - he brought it on himself, don't give in to his demands and make sure yours is backing you up!

Keep us posted with how things are going - its so good to hear from you!

Well done Stars, you are stronger than ExH thinks.

And I think that's making him panic a bit. I should imagine that the CAB have told him what he should actually be doing ie. giving you money for the children, and that is certainly giving him food for thought.

And of course he's going to say "no solicitors" because he'll have one, and hope he'll catch you on the back foot without one. He's trying to catch you out. Ha, not a chance!

Vole - I quite like your previous idea of a summer meet up somewhere - picnic in a park? But please not the waffle house - the smell always makes me [boak]...