How do you forgive someone who isn't sorry they hurt you? Is it really that important to forgive?

[ElizaPickford]

I've just finished reading The Railway Man and it is ultimately a book about forgiveness. It got me thinking - forgiveness was obviously the right thing for the main character to do, no doubt made easier by the fact that the person he needed to forgive was desperately sorry and had spent much of his life trying to atone.

I'm not directly trying to relate my situation to the one portrayed in that book - however I've been struggling for a long time with the fact that I was betrayed by one of my parents and have been badly damaged on several levels by their actions to me throughout my life. I no longer have anything to do with them but I do think about them often and find myself struggling with the idea of forgiveness.

One one level, I would love to be free of all the feelings I still have of resentment for what has gone on and suspect I would be more at peace if I could forgive. However, I know that from a logical perspective that I don't know how to forgive. I can say that I do but ultimately I am still left sad and angry and forgiveness does not feel authentic. What makes it worse is that the person I feel I should forgive actively does not give one tiny shit about their behaviour - they think that they tried their best and "if that's not good enough then tough shit." There is no salvaging the relationship at all I don't think - I've tried but it is completely one way traffic and I'm not a masochist.

So the question is - is it possible? Has anyone done it? Or do I need to just reconcile myself to this feeling of sadness that underlies everything I do for the rest of my life? How important is forgiveness anyway - is it mentally safer to remember that whatever happens this person cannot be trusted and that even if they were sorry I need to keep my guard up?

None of that applies in this case and there is nothing you can say that will make me understand why they did what they did, in either case. I will never try and get inside their heads. Stupid idea. In my opinion.

I hate how I feel I am the one who is being unreasonable here.

Itsfab- it's not you who are being unreasonable here- it's others on this thread. I don't give a shit why my abuser abused. That's his problem now not mine.

You're not unreasonable Itsfab.

I was just explaining how I manage to reconcile, myself, the actions of people who have, hurt me in the past or those who have committed horrific crimes against others.

I don't think you should get inside the heads of your perpetrators, it sounds like a very dark place. A person would have to be very strong to attempt it. However some people do this in order to try and unravel some of the mess that is there, in the hope that something can be salvaged.

I think unhealthy mental functioning can go beyond what others can easily diagnose. I do honesty think there is something severely wrong with people who commit awful crimes.

I don't understand their thought processes either, only that they have gone wrong.

Itsfab you are not being unreasonable.

Take care x

Doesn't mean that we should feel sorry for them though. They choose these paths.

You are playing psychiatrist capsium- I assume you are not one.

Not everyone who does terrible things is damaged or broken.

Whereas I think people abuse because they want too, because they think they are entitled too, because they think the victim is their toy and worthless, because they are fucking twats.

Totally agree Itsfab.

But I see being entitled and viewing people as worthless toys as being severely dysfunctional. Its not healthy. Wanting to do terrible acts is not healthy.

Who are you to judge capsium? Are you a psychatrist? Or is it your hotline to god that gives you the inside track?

You tell me combust.

All I know is that it is just what I think.

Do you think people can be completely mentally healthy and commit terrible crimes against others?

Yes I do.

I can't get my head around that combust. It just does not compute. If what you said was true it would make me feel worse, that the people that hurt me chose to do it and this decision was completely rational. How do you cope with that? If that is your belief, I can understand more why you find it difficult to forgive. However this is just not my belief.

Look at the people around you- politicians, high clergy, the world is full of people serving their self interests. Are you suggesting that these people are all mentally ill?

The pope encourages women to reproduce beyond their means with the result that millions of children are born into suffering, poverty and hunger.

Is the pope mentally ill?

If you extent your argument then any wrongdoing towards others is a mental disorder.

So if I park in a disabled spot without a badge then I have a mental illness- if I steal from a shop? If I don't hand in a fiver I find in the street?

combust I believe the whole of human kind is flawed to a greater or lesser degree.

There is a whole spectrum in terms of the degree of damage. Some levels of wrong thinking would be defined medically as mental disorders, some would not. But it is all flawed, due to our flaws. Hubris.

I believe we can be redeemed through Christ, though.

Oh please. keep your jesus crap for another forum.

I don't think we are "flawed" as much as that we are much like all other animals exhibiting an array of behavioural and cognitive styles. after all that's all we are at the end of the day. Animal Homo Sapien.

agree with Combust and itsfab

But just an imaginary glimpse of that way of thinking, that someone could commit a terrible crime against an innocent, in a completely rational, undamaged state, is so painful, I really don't know how I could cope if I believed this.

How do people cope and believe this?

Interesting thread - does God require our repentance to forgive us? I'm never really sure - it seems unfair if he does but asks us to forgive even in its absence. Sorry if someone has already answered this.

Combust - to be fair this is the spirituality section - Jesus is not that inappropriate here - or Mohammed or Buddha for that matter. People of faith are going to comment here - after all there are lots of other secular threads to discuss these issues.

Emphatic the way I see it is God's forgiveness is available to all, however the unrepentant cannot receive it, because they do not acknowledge they are in need of it.

So if we were to emulate God we would be forgiving, but if someone is unrepentant they would not accept they needed forgiveness, so would not accept the forgiveness we offered.

"But just an imaginary glimpse of that way of thinking, that someone could commit a terrible crime against an innocent, in a completely rational, undamaged state, is so painful, I really don't know how I could cope if I believed this."

Cheers for that.

"How do people cope and believe this?"

Because we have to.

God is without sin?

oh okay.

so allowing people to do what they do is okay. that's not sin.

so its okay for him to kill and hurt people cos hes God, but not anyone else?

Itsfab sorry, every time I explain my beliefs and how I cope with life this seems to be hurtful to you. I am not judging you. I think you have been amazingly strong to survive what you have and wish nothing but good things for your life.

Not Judging me? Holy crap.