Please sign and share?

[howdeydudey]

I've noticed over the years that various individuals and organisations create petitions that sound really promising, but the support gets fragmented across them.

If we all pulled together and supported just one petition, we might get enough signatures and traction to actually make something happen?

With that in mind, could we perhaps all sign and share the following? Share with family, friends, anyone who might possibly sign. And ask them to make sure they share too?

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/603110

@howdeydudey
Having now read your other posts to get an idea of your story and driving factors, you have stated that the cancer is not treatable, it appears that your ex wife had the same concerns regarding the increase to 5050 from 5/14 nights and the impact this would have on the children, so you pursued this via the court system to get your 7/14 nights.

I appreciate that you have decided this is in your best interests and feel that by default this means in the best interests of your children. Yet, I view this as you wanting your share of the children and that the courts have been used to manipulate this given that the court initially refused your request until you returned stating it is terminal.

Indeed the post had responses from others who feel the same as I do.
Which parent really wants their children to have to see them effectively dying day to day? I'm sorry to be harsh, but this, imo, highlights why 5050 should not be the norm. It is not putting the children first. No parent should choose and want to put their children into that position. Ultimately, they will be, whether intended or not, your carer, no matter how much you feel you have shaded them from this. They will watch you die. Whereas you could have continued with 5 nights and then focussed on what's in the best interests of the children when the time came, requesting flexibility so that they get the best out of you and get time to have positive memories for when the inevitable happens. It would be unlikely at that point that your ex would be as inflexible as you wished to paint her.

Not to mention that in your scenario, and as is frequently common place when 5050 happens, your parents have had to step up. So it's not even the parent doing the extra parenting.
I also think that with child diagnoses of ASD, as a parent of a child with ASD, that this was not in their best interests to have even greater instability in their nomadic lifestyle and will make their recovery from your death, so much harder. And as much as none of us want to contemplate this, it is, very sadly, your reality and the reality of your children.

The other major concern of presumed 50:50, is that it allows a parent who really isn't interested in their child, to agree 50:50 simply to get out of paying maintenance, then neglect that child, or offload them onto grandparents etc.

Presumed 50:50 would give the green light to the financially and emotionally manipulative to continue to abuse ex partners and disadvantage the child at the same time.

Also in your other thread you want 2 2 3 which is just a complete mess for the kids because they’ll never be settled anywhere.

Having read some of your other thread, I think this is displacement activity as you are finding it (understandably) hard to come to terms with your illness.

That's what you need to work on. You are facing your mortality. It's hard. But no-one and no circumstance can rescue you from it. Don't make this your children's responsibility. Concentrate on your own well-being and give them what you can in the time you have rather than wasting more time fighting over them. IMHO.

I do sympathise with how hard this must be.

@heldinadream

Do you think that the legal default should be 50/50 from birth?

If not, from when?

Sure. Why not? I mean, there may be specific cases that this would be a bad idea for. But as a general thing, I don't see any reason why not.

Did you know that actually, there is no "legal default" at the moment? There is no default at all. Until there is a court order, it's a free for all, which very often causes conflict.

Surely a default would be better than that...

Specific case like, say, when a mother his breastfeeding?

@Inspectorslack

Specific case like, say, when a mother his breastfeeding?

Sure. That's one possible reason.

"Almost 68% of women in the UK start breastfeeding, only 48% continue beyond 6- 8 weeks, which is below the recommended 6 months." We're talking about 48% of all pregnancies, for a recommended 6 months, that would come come in to this equation. And yes, I know people might breastfeed longer, but the benefits after 6 months are known to drop off a lot. The child then has the rest of their lives to live.

The percentage of cases you're referring to is therefore tiny and the time they are breastfeeding is relatively tiny.

So I still state that in general, a default of equal time would be better for the child.

So you actually think doing 2 2 3 and never settling anywhere is right for children?

I did a period of 50/50
It was week about so that the children were settled.

You are underestimating the effects of BF.

Also you’re talking about 48% of pregnancies when you mean 48% of successful deliveries. As an example, a lot of women have miscarriages.

@howdeydudey
Who guidelines advise breastfeeding until 2yoa. The benefits are still extensive.
Fwiw, weaning doesn't negate the need and benefits of breastfeeding until at least the 1 year mark.
As fir a default, you're right it would help. And that should be the woman who birthed the child or, in extreme circumstances, the father if he's absolutely been the primary caregiver for the majority of the child's lives, not just before they announce a split and set the scene.

I wonder how many fathers on here were the ones who did all the night deeds, night wake ups, took every sick day off work for the sick children, did all the school runs attended every school event, parents evening, medical appointment.... Before they decided to carve their children's time in half...

Imagine having to pack your stuff up every couple of days and go elsewhere. For the whole of your life.

@Inspectorslack

So you actually think doing 2 2 3 and never settling anywhere is right for children?

I did a period of 50/50
It was week about so that the children were settled.

You are underestimating the effects of BF.

Also you’re talking about 48% of pregnancies when you mean 48% of successful deliveries. As an example, a lot of women have miscarriages.

The breastfeeding things was the top result from a quick google. I suggest you look deeper if you want to know more about it.

Your miscarriage point is rather odd and irrelevant. I wouldn't know how to begin to understand what you mean.

Do you think a week about is right for all children? My two say they don't want that. Do you know the reason they give? And yes - you can find many, many examples of children who are happy in a 2-2-3 arrangement. And many who prefer a week about.

The petition doesn't mention any particular arrangement at all.

Because of the emotional guilt their mother makes them feel every time they are away from her.

You are trying to look for specific cases.

It would be interesting to know how many of the people disagreeing are female....

But regardless, I'm not really interested in my specific case, or any specific breastfeeding/other cases you care to mention.

If you don't agree, don't sign. It's simple :)

@Inspectorslack

Imagine having to pack your stuff up every couple of days and go elsewhere. For the whole of your life.

They don't have to pack anything up if they have everything the need in both houses, as my two do :)

I BF one of mine til to DH were 3.5. I really don’t need to google.

You’ve come specifically to a female space
And you’re being patronising and dismissive.

I think that says quite a lot about you.

I and my children tried 2 2 3. For almost 6 months. They hated it. But I expect you to dismiss that because misogyny innit

Ps. Children tell each of their parents what they think the parent wants to hear.

I'm going to leave this alone, but I wanted to ask everyone here one question....

If the father was able, how many of you would agree to just flipping the time, so the children spend the majority with him instead of the mother?

Because by all your posts, this would be ok, except for very young children who are being breastfed?

*til they

Please stop patronising me. It’s nasty.

Even if they have everything they will have school books, special toys, consoles etc that have to go place to place. And special clothes. Especially as they get older and hoodies are £65 a time.

But. Again. I expect you to be passive aggressive rude to me with a smile.

@Inspectorslack

I BF one of mine til to DH were 3.5. I really don’t need to google.

You’ve come specifically to a female space
And you’re being patronising and dismissive.

I think that says quite a lot about you.

I and my children tried 2 2 3. For almost 6 months. They hated it. But I expect you to dismiss that because misogyny innit

Ps. Children tell each of their parents what they think the parent wants to hear.

Well, by your own reasoning, your children probably told you they hated 2-2-3 because you hated it and it's what they thought you wanted to hear....

The petition doesn't say 2-2-3, by the way.

And no, this isn't a female space. I originally posted in a board for dads, but the mods moved it.

I fucking did 50/50.

I did it for years.

I can tell you every advantage and disadvantage and I don’t think it should be the starting point.

Now my children aren’t children the two who aren’t in their own places have chosen to live with me.

But I don’t expect you to believe me.

@Inspectorslack

*til they

Please stop patronising me. It’s nasty.

Even if they have everything they will have school books, special toys, consoles etc that have to go place to place. And special clothes. Especially as they get older and hoodies are £65 a time.

But. Again. I expect you to be passive aggressive rude to me with a smile.

School books go with them to school. They carry them anyway. Consoles really aren't important.

I'm smiling because I can see that you are determined to make this personal.

But so far you've offered nothing against the generic case that children should have equal access to both parents.

:)

@Inspectorslack

I fucking did 50/50.

I did it for years.

I can tell you every advantage and disadvantage and I don’t think it should be the starting point.

Now my children aren’t children the two who aren’t in their own places have chosen to live with me.

But I don’t expect you to believe me.

Ok - so 80/20 in favour of the father then?

@MintJulia

The other major concern of presumed 50:50, is that it allows a parent who really isn't interested in their child, to agree 50:50 simply to get out of paying maintenance, then neglect that child, or offload them onto grandparents etc.

Presumed 50:50 would give the green light to the financially and emotionally manipulative to continue to abuse ex partners and disadvantage the child at the same time.

The major concern of mother's having the majority of time is that they will do so not because they care about the children, but because they want the money from maintenance.

The argument you make is very fair. However, it worked equally well the other way around.

One of mine had a breakdown over the heads of 2 2 3. It was child mental health services who recommended it move to week about. My ex wanted 2 2 3 as he didn’t want to go a protracted period without seeing them. It had to go to court in the end.

I spent half my evenings during the 2 2 3 going up and down the road to their dads with stuff either they or he had forgotten and needed.

My ex used it to control me.

But again. You won’t believe me. Because I’m only a woman.

Which actually tells me all I need to know about your support for this petition

I never got any maintenance. Never. Not a penny. So your arguments there is false too.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@howdeydudey
Having now read your other posts to get an idea of your story and driving factors, you have stated that the cancer is not treatable, it appears that your ex wife had the same concerns regarding the increase to 5050 from 5/14 nights and the impact this would have on the children, so you pursued this via the court system to get your 7/14 nights.

I appreciate that you have decided this is in your best interests and feel that by default this means in the best interests of your children. Yet, I view this as you wanting your share of the children and that the courts have been used to manipulate this given that the court initially refused your request until you returned stating it is terminal.

Indeed the post had responses from others who feel the same as I do.
Which parent really wants their children to have to see them effectively dying day to day? I'm sorry to be harsh, but this, imo, highlights why 5050 should not be the norm. It is not putting the children first. No parent should choose and want to put their children into that position. Ultimately, they will be, whether intended or not, your carer, no matter how much you feel you have shaded them from this. They will watch you die. Whereas you could have continued with 5 nights and then focussed on what's in the best interests of the children when the time came, requesting flexibility so that they get the best out of you and get time to have positive memories for when the inevitable happens. It would be unlikely at that point that your ex would be as inflexible as you wished to paint her.

Not to mention that in your scenario, and as is frequently common place when 5050 happens, your parents have had to step up. So it's not even the parent doing the extra parenting.
I also think that with child diagnoses of ASD, as a parent of a child with ASD, that this was not in their best interests to have even greater instability in their nomadic lifestyle and will make their recovery from your death, so much harder. And as much as none of us want to contemplate this, it is, very sadly, your reality and the reality of your children.[/quote]
You are right.

I should actually apply simply to flip the current arrangement, which is what the children have said is their 2nd favoured outcome, after equal time.

I'm more than capable and happy to do this while I'm fit and well and they will appreciate the extra memories this will enable us to create.

I really didn't start this to be a personal thing about my specific situation, or about any one particular situation. Yet people have had to make it personal to try to find exceptions to disprove the rule.

Sure - you can ALWAYS find individual cases.

However, thank you all for all your replies and helping to keep this at the top of the forum.

Please stop directing your passive aggressive smilies at me. It’s rude. I’m asking you directly to stop.

Schoolbooks got left at the wrong houses. And I had to deliver them to the children.

They didn’t have two consoles or two laptops.

Or two sets of specialist gym competition wear.

They ended up having to take weekend bags to school to carry what they needed once they were at secondary school. That’s not fair when they were getting buses

I’m speaking from experience. You choose to frame that as making it personal.