Is this too much for another mum?

[Jellyworms]

Bit of background, one of the mums at school is celebrating her birthday next month. We aren’t what I would say close but say hi when we see each other have been around the house for lunch and our 6yo DS are friends but wouldn’t class as a close friend.
Another Mum has made plans that we all go out for the Mum‘s birthday to an event that is ticketed (15 a ticket) which I said I would go to.

Yesterday, I was added to a group chat where all the details were put in for the night out and then we was also asked to put in £35 each for a present for this mum
I feel incredibly awkward because that is a lot of money for someone that I’m not close with and if you factor it in the night out and the cost it does add up a month before Christmas. I mentioned to one of the mums that this is a lot and got a very rude response saying that they just expected everyone would be okay with it so now I feel like the only one with an issue although I’m sure others do but too scared to pipe up and say anything

AIBU to think this is extreme? For a best friend of course, but not for one of the school mums that is exactly a close friend? WWYD?

I'd put in the group.
"Oh, sorry, that is way out of my budget. I'd thought it was just a few of the Mums going to the event. Can you take my name off the list".

Then see if they say 'No, still come' or if others put 'I agree with Jellyworms - I don't have that sort of money spare either'.

That’s ridiculous. The £15 you are spending already is plenty - I’d just add a card.

Maybe the other mum is a closer friend & was offended on her behalf?

I would have thought that attending the event was the present & for £15 probably would expect to chip in for the ticket for the "birthday girl" as well.

I don’t even spend £35 PP on my best friends I’ve known for over 20 years.

I feel like the person doing the collection must be making a profit.

£15 each for a school mum that you hardly know is absolutely ridiculous. It's what you might give for a close friend with a big birthday.

Do your kids all go to an expensive private school so the assumption is that everyone is pretty wealthy?

It’s more than I’d normally spend on someone I know Iike that, but are you wanting to make friends here? If you want to be friends with them then fitting in with their norms is a fairly important part of that. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, but if it would be an okay amount if you were really friendly with these women, and you would like to be good friends with them then I would go with it.

That’s ridiculous! Best friend or very close friend then yes but not a school mum 😵

£35 is crazy. I don’t spend that much on family members! There’s no way I’d get dragged into going along with this. Say no politely and don’t worry about what they think of you.

Completely bonkers.

I'd assume that this message was aimed at very close friends of the mum in question, and you'd been added to the group in error, or they just opened the floor to everyone.

Personally, I just wouldn't reply. Or if you're pushed, "Sorry, that's a bit more money than I've got available so close to Christmas. :) Have a great time though everyone! Can't wait to see some photos afterwards!"

If you're friendly with this mum, then get her a card if you want, but honestly, I wouldn't even bother with that.

I have only ever spent that much on a close friend for a big birthday! That’s a ridiculous amount to pay l

Wow that’s completely ridiculous! Everybody I know would be spending £5-£10 as a token gift even for a good friend I’d probably spend about £10-£15. If it was a special “0” birthday and a really good friend maybe £30-£40.

How awful that someone can be rude about it.

I agree with others, say no you won’t contribute as it is too much and say you will get a present yourself. If necessary, if you think that person (who was rude) or others are going to make a fuss, then don’t go to the event (unless you’ve paid upfront).

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I'm not sure what's going on here OP. Are you saying that you are considering paying the £35?

Definitely not unreasonable to say no to that!!

I couldn't afford that on a close friend let alone a passing acquaintance through my child!

£35 is a lot, how many of you are there? Surely nobody expects a £250+ gift from a small group of mum friends! Even with my close friend groups we tend to only put in £5-£10 if we’re buying as a group unless it’s a big birthday. If you agree it sets a precedent to need to spend that amount on everybody in the group’s birthday too and if you don’t get ready for drama. To be honest if she’s not a close friend I’d pull out now!

Can you say that you've already got her a small gift as you didn't realise there was a group one, and then get her an orchid or bottle of prosecco or nice chocolate from you. £35 is mad!

How many other mums are there attending the event and also putting in for the £35 each?

Has the organiser told you what the money is buying?

Have you spoken to any of the other mums on the side, to see if they’re happy with paying the £35 also?

Does the person in charge of the gift run an MLM that birthday mum will get a gift from?...

If there are say, 10 of you, £350 is wildly excessive.

Just say got my own present thanks don’t need to include me in the gift :)

I think that's quite strange, do you all normally do stuff for one another's birthday? Is it a big birthday? I feel like in these kind of WhatsApp group and fixed gift amount situations they tend to be for close knit groups and everyone does the same for each group member, and so it all works out eventually. Quite weird to just set something up for one specific mum as a one off and quire weird to expect everyone to chip into a group gift, that'll amount to several hundred pounds. Can you say you've already bought a gift and then get her something cheaper!?

That is alot! I'd message saying that's too much for me but I'm happy to contribute £5.

It's actually a total of £50.

£15 for the dinner plus £35 for the present.

What does that have to do with anything!?

No, way to much!