Is this too much for another mum?

[Jellyworms]

Bit of background, one of the mums at school is celebrating her birthday next month. We aren’t what I would say close but say hi when we see each other have been around the house for lunch and our 6yo DS are friends but wouldn’t class as a close friend.
Another Mum has made plans that we all go out for the Mum‘s birthday to an event that is ticketed (15 a ticket) which I said I would go to.

Yesterday, I was added to a group chat where all the details were put in for the night out and then we was also asked to put in £35 each for a present for this mum
I feel incredibly awkward because that is a lot of money for someone that I’m not close with and if you factor it in the night out and the cost it does add up a month before Christmas. I mentioned to one of the mums that this is a lot and got a very rude response saying that they just expected everyone would be okay with it so now I feel like the only one with an issue although I’m sure others do but too scared to pipe up and say anything

AIBU to think this is extreme? For a best friend of course, but not for one of the school mums that is exactly a close friend? WWYD?

How many people are there at 35 quid each for a gift jesus ! Is this a posh school or something because id buy her a couple of drinks or just accept people coming out was enough

No just a strong hunch, with the reciprocating lunch and deleted comments.

Definitely extreme, £35 is a lot of money.

£35 is a lot to spend for a good friend.

Let alone one who isnt a close friend

what are they /you contributing to

Yeah, that used to be the idea of clubbing together years ago. Getting one decent thing instead of a lot of little bits. But somehow over the years it seems to have morphed into one extravagant present. If I was the recipient I would actually be embarrassed.

I would say no thanks to the gift, then just turn up to the meal with a little token present if you want. The birthday woman is who you are going for, not the organizer so who cares what she thinks. The friendship should be based on what is authentically you anyway, not on what you can buy, or what others want.

Sounds like the organiser is trying to buy friendship tbh.

35 quid for a school mum? Am I hearing this right? How many people are going and contributing 35???

That's an instant "leave group chat" tbh

That's about my budget for my own children's birthdays. Not a cats chance would I be spending it on a mum from school. She'd probably get a gif on Facebook 😂

I have been in this position and you need to say sorry I can’t afford this. But would like to still come to the event but if you rather o dipped out you understand

I agree with other posters it’s way over the top.
I had a child at private school and nobody ever got the mum a present! We might do contributions for nice coaches eg £10 a head at end of year.

I personally even with my salary think it’s morally wrong to just assume everyone can afford such an amount and even if it was suggested - it would be done so with the option of opting out or suggesting an amount / consulting on what is appropriate rather than dictating it.

Everyone has different finances and it’s totally rude to expect other Mums to finance this who may not have equivalent and then make them feel awkward. It’s a shame you are even in this position to be honest. I would ping the person asking for the £35 privately and just be honest. Say I’m sorry that’s way over what I can afford. Happy to bring a small but please leave me out of the present donations.

I think of course still attend the meal as you want to celebrate her birthday and be social. That’s of course if you want to actually go.

Whoever was rude - well I’m not sure what they said but I’d assume she isn’t going to be a person you end up socialising with. I’d have given her a curt reply back but then probably wasting your time getting into tit for tat petty arguments with ignorant people.

why is that relevant?

OP it's a ridiculous amount of money for someone that isn't a close friend, I rarely spend that much on my sisters for their birthdays!

Just message back 'Sorry, I can't afford to spend that much this close to Christmas, I'll just get (X) a card myself.'

I bet several others will then jump in too. Do it asap though so rude!mum doesn't complain that she was left in the lurch (although if she's already bought it before everyone agreed she's a muppet who only has herself to blame).

At the end of the day, what have you got to lose? I doubt birthday!mum herself is expecting an expensive present, and even if she is and is annoyed with you she's not a close friend so you're not losing out. And rude!mum sounds like someone you should care even less about being friends with.

That £35 could buy your kids something nice for Christmas.

Blimey what is this gift, how many people are chipping in?

That's so weird, £35 is more than I'd spend on a really good mate, we just don't do that.
Was it in a message? Could it have been £3.50 because added together that buys a nice cocktail for birthday girl on the night out? I mean, that would make sense to me for a night out for another mum. £35 would leave me thinking they had lost their mind.

Not having RTFT, have we done a scooby-doo style unmasking of @Leagueofus to find that they are the other mum organising the gift?

I would just say you got them a present already, cheap bottle of wine or chocs is more than enoughz

£35 is also a really specific amount, not £10 or £20, £35 specifically

I wouldn't say I couldn't afford it. It's none of their business how much money I've got or what I can afford. If I said anything at all other than 'No', I'd say I'm not willing to contribute that much. I wouldn't put in £35 for an acquaintance whether I could afford it or not.

£35 quid each. What are they buying her for fuck sake. How embarrassing for everyone involved, including the recipient.

Or nothing at all! People don't need birthday gifts from people they don't really know. Life is expensive, absolutely completely fine to say you won't be joining in the festivities and gifting and wish her a wonderful birthday

Ridiculous! Not a chance, bow out asap

Reply that you will buy your own present and then don’t.

You’d have thought £10 each for a group would add up to more than enough 😳 the assumption that everyone is well enough off to spend that much money (£50) before you even go anywhere is ridiculous.

Why £35? Surely you are all putting in for her ticket already? £5 each is more than enough to buy a nice gift.

I don't spend that on my best friend or sister!