Is this too much for another mum?

[Jellyworms]

Bit of background, one of the mums at school is celebrating her birthday next month. We aren’t what I would say close but say hi when we see each other have been around the house for lunch and our 6yo DS are friends but wouldn’t class as a close friend.
Another Mum has made plans that we all go out for the Mum‘s birthday to an event that is ticketed (15 a ticket) which I said I would go to.

Yesterday, I was added to a group chat where all the details were put in for the night out and then we was also asked to put in £35 each for a present for this mum
I feel incredibly awkward because that is a lot of money for someone that I’m not close with and if you factor it in the night out and the cost it does add up a month before Christmas. I mentioned to one of the mums that this is a lot and got a very rude response saying that they just expected everyone would be okay with it so now I feel like the only one with an issue although I’m sure others do but too scared to pipe up and say anything

AIBU to think this is extreme? For a best friend of course, but not for one of the school mums that is exactly a close friend? WWYD?

I wouldn't expect a close friend to spend this on even a big birthday!

They must either be affluent, or wanna be affluent. If you're neither then thats absolutely fine!

Are you sure you want to be friends with people like this op? This will be just the start observing the reaction of the other mother.

I consider myself a generous friend and I usually spend £25 on a close friend and maybe £35 for a milestone gift. It would cause significant embarrassment to spend more.

I used to work with a group of people like that, it was constant demands for money, £20 for someone's birthday, someone having a baby, someone's fractured a wrist, someone's dog died. It was almost like an insurance policy against any of life's adversities.
I had no part in it.
I have lovely friends that have been my friends since primary school and for birthdays its wine, flowers or a shop bought cake. Their company is priceless.

It’s fine to say ‘I’ve already sorted out a card or gift for xxx so won’t be doing the joint present’.

Are you at a school where everyone is very affluent?

My SIL's children go to such a school and the expectations for money spent on things like presents, parties and nights out is what I would consider to be bonkers, but it's normal for the families at that school.

What's happened for other mums' birthdays? What did they do for your birthday?

I think if you can't keep up with the level of expenditure "expected" it might be wiser to distance yourself from the mums socially and just keep up a friendly relationship for the sake of your child.

People are allowed to spend £35 on a friend if they want.

If you dont want to obviously thats fine too. I dont understand why you wouldn't immediately just say- 'Oh gosh no, I can't afford that, I'll do a separate gift. See you all then!'

Why does it matter what any of us think? You either want to spend it or you dont, and both are valid. The end.

That seems an awful lot of money! I’d expect to put £5 or £10 towards this kind of thing at most- but honestly, surely everyone making the effort to go out is enough, an expensive gift isnt needed too.

And I’d go further and says the response you got is extremely rude. I hate people spending my money for me.
For all she knows, you might be struggling to put food on the table

No way! That's far too much for a casual acquaintance, imo. If some of them know her well and want to spend a lot on their friend, that's wonderful for them, but they're wrong to just assume that everyone attending a birthday outing will want to contribute to a group gift, especially to the tune of £35, on top of the price of your ticket. I'd decline and probably keep things casual with this group from now on.

Just reply and say you can’t afford it with it being the run up to Christmas. If they get shitty with you, they’ll probably not invite you to any more of their birthdays but I think that would be a win.

£35 each? What are they buying her, a car?

No I wouldn't spend £50. Food £15 - fair. The rest just no way.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind that there should be a gift at all in this situation! Even my closest friends and I only cover the birhday persons meal between us though, gifts are not our love language.

"Sorry we're trying to stick to a budget to manage Christmas so I'll get a separate gift"
Done

£35 is a lot of money to put into the pot for someone you hardly know.

Is this their way of telling you that you're now 'one of the gang', or what?

Wind them up and watch them go...your DC have aged quickly since July, maybe you got this number wrong too?

What the heck are they panning to buy? £525 gift for a school mum friend? Someone is surely trying it on

Far too much but perhaps that’s the cost of entry to this friendship group. How much do you want to be in the gang OP? If it was me I’d be withdrawing gracefully,

Obviously Leagueofus know the OP and is involved in the situation. So the OP is unlikely to be back. But to the question, I would actually be embarrassed to receive a gift of that high value from school mum acquaintances!

I’m desperate to know what the proposed gift is

personally I’d spend more than £35 on a gift BUT I’d never expect someone else to do the same

”I think friend would love x and wondered if some of you would like to come in on it and if so how many…” Then a follow up with 12 of us interested in joining funds which would be £x each does that work for everyone ?

I missed that post before it was deleted, what did it say ?

I assumed she'd used advanced search. Ops DC were 4 and 1 in July.

They must have a present in mind so have divided the cost. But it is ridiculous. They should just be asking everyone for a contribution to a gift and everyone just give what they want.
I'm definitely in the not piping up group though. I'd just pay it and move on.
You could always skip it entirely?

I have no idea what any of this means but I'm intrigued?

This is madness

Where do you get £525 from?