Is this too much for another mum?

[Jellyworms]

Bit of background, one of the mums at school is celebrating her birthday next month. We aren’t what I would say close but say hi when we see each other have been around the house for lunch and our 6yo DS are friends but wouldn’t class as a close friend.
Another Mum has made plans that we all go out for the Mum‘s birthday to an event that is ticketed (15 a ticket) which I said I would go to.

Yesterday, I was added to a group chat where all the details were put in for the night out and then we was also asked to put in £35 each for a present for this mum
I feel incredibly awkward because that is a lot of money for someone that I’m not close with and if you factor it in the night out and the cost it does add up a month before Christmas. I mentioned to one of the mums that this is a lot and got a very rude response saying that they just expected everyone would be okay with it so now I feel like the only one with an issue although I’m sure others do but too scared to pipe up and say anything

AIBU to think this is extreme? For a best friend of course, but not for one of the school mums that is exactly a close friend? WWYD?

Sounds great but I am afraid we already have family plans that day/night, which cannot be broken, hope you all have a fab time though!”

<<exit WhatsApp group>>

35 is crazy and I don't spend that on any friends tbh, usually max 30 for a good friend's big birthday

I'd just say you've already got her something sorted and get her a small gift

Say you've already bought her a present. Thats just too cheeky. Or bow out altogether.

What would Nancy do? Oh yes...

Way too much

Just say thanks but I won’t come in on the group gift as I’ve already got a gift for her myself. Simple!

35 quid? Having a giraffe!

I’d back out now & just forget about the £15 if you can’t get a refund - say you’re happy for them to gift your ticket to someone else.

Dont worry about giving a in depth reason although they’ll probably ask as they sound like entitled bitches-dh has to work & you’ve no babysitter or something. ‘Sorry I’m afraid I can’t make it any longer - hope you all have a fab night & please pass my ticket on free of charge if there’s someone else available to go in my place’

good luck - a night in would be better spent from the sounds of it!

Do you want to go OP?
If you do, just say that you didn't realise there would be a group gift and you've already sorted your own gift for her.
If you don't, just say you already have plans and can't attend and wish her a happy birthday by text.

You've been there a year. What did they get you for the birthday you had during that year?

What the fuck are they buying her.

No its not normal, its performative and stupid.

I'd back out now before it gets more and you're all paying for her drinks all night etc

Yes that’s a lot of money! I wonder what they plan to buy for her. I think in this situation rather than saying ‘it’s too much’, I’d explain that I’m doing my own gift then drop off a card & some flowers or something ahead if the night out.

The birthday mum would be mortified others coughed up that much when she hardly knows them.

I would message the group something like what @zingallysaid.

I’m a primary school teacher and I really don’t like big old extravagant whole class presents and what I notice is that often the person who organises it to get the glory for themselves and they have bought you an expensive present and are more important than little Jason’s mother who is a bit shy.

I wouldnt even spend that on a close relative maybe a tenner pushing it lol.
But i do agree with you.

Just make up another excuse and say you can't attend the ticketed event after all. Family plans, unexpected travel, work issue, childcare clash whatever. Then you're out of the group gift and everyone else has to pay even more. I'd do it purely for the lolz

Christ no that’s ridiculous. We all chip in a fiver or tenner for a big birthday in our group and we’ve known each other for 10-15 years!

£35 is insane!

absolutely not.

thats far too much and you all end up being forced to do it for one another the ticket and night out is enough.

just say you’ve already brought her something

Just say I have gotten her a card already now so you can leave me out of the collection thanks.

Is there another member of the group you are friends either? That you could talk to privately and ask if this is normal in the group and if it would be ok to say you would prefer to contribute an amount that is more affordable for you?

(IMO it is a ludicrous amount under the circumstances)

I’ve spent over ten years as a parent at a private school and I’ve never heard of anything like this.

That sounds like an awful lot to me - very inconsiderate!! What on earth are they planning to buy? If there's a group of you, I'd have thought £5 or £10 would be more reasonable. I wouldn't pay it and I'd back out of the event if I had to.

How many people are expected to contribute to the gift? Maybe the other people in the chat know her better.

I should think other mums feel it’s too much too but feel too awkward to say anything. I don’t even spend £35 on my best friend of 30 years. That’s ridiculous!! X

@Jellyworms is this is £15+£35 or £35 in total?

how many of there are you in the group. If it’s £35 in total it’s not too bad and may include a gift and a drink or two for the birthday mum too (although I’ve found this thread off that people don’t spend that on friends and family birthdays esp big birthdays!)

just message the organiser separately if you can’t afford the gift and the event. And say you would still like to come to event but will buy a gift yourself.

it will be a good chance to get to know the group if that’s what you want too.