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Original poster

Is it all right to un-invite a guest to my daughter's birthday party? Feel a bit horrid about it.

64 replies

softletters · 25/03/2012 23:16

Hello, this is my 1st time on here. Please be gentle with me, I am in a bit of a pickle.

My daughter will be having her 6th birthday party in a couple of months. I have told her that she may only have 5 friends around our house for a birthday tea party. I am limited to 5 guests as A) we only have a small house and I have a very limited budget B) I have hired a wonderful fairy lady to come a do fairy crafts, activities and face painting with the girls and so my numbers are limited to a maximum of 6 girls including the Birthday girl so I cannot add on another guest to the party.

My daughter has been very sure of who will be coming to her party, which will be in the beginning of may. She has been very good friends with these girls since reception and her social circle at school has not changed very much since then. One of the girl's she'd like to invite has only been at the school since September and she gets on with her well enough. Knowing my daughter's 'invite list' I gave the Mothers the heads up asking them to keep that date free and that there will be proper invites on the way........I think that was my mistake.

Since then my daughter has fallen out with one of her friend's and does not really play with her at school any more, she is the girl who only joined in September and I do not know her Mother very well so they do not see each other outside of school. I don't think i've really spoken to her since mentioning my daughter's party. My daughter has since become close friends with another girl in her class and I have a feeling that she would like her to come to her birthday party too. I have not asked her about her party list but it is getting close to sending-out-the-invites-time.

What shall I do?!

When I do the invites i'll be confirming with my daughter who she would like to come and if the friend she has fallen out with is not on the list, should I send out the invites to the girls she'd like to come and then say nothing to the mother of the girl she fell out with and hope it has slipped her mind?

Or should I say something to the mother with the possibility of making something out of nothing?

Am I over thinking this?

I do not wish to be rude to the the other girl or upset anyone but I do not want to force my daughter to have someone at her party who she does not wish to be there, especially as she can only invite a handful of friends.

I would love to hear other people's opinions on this or if anyone else has had this pickle.

Many thanks

OP posts:
ClaireFromWork · 25/03/2012 23:22

You can't uninvited her that would be rude and cruel. Put it down to experience. Anyway I bet your DD will have become best buddies with the first friend by then.

ImJustSayingLike · 25/03/2012 23:22

don't be so bloody horrible!
get different entertainment if you've over-invited!
god! what chance do the kids have of being kind to each other with parents like this about Sad

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 25/03/2012 23:25

First of all, why on EARTH have you got involved in organising this so early - also its TWO MONTHS til the party even now. Chill out!

You cant un-invite her, thatd be incredibly mean. You just need to chalk this up as a learning experience for you all. Fwiw the girl surely wont want to come if theyve fallen out? If she does then you could tell your dd this girl is making an effort to be friends and she has to do the same.

My advice would also be stop getting so involved and dont organise things so far in advance next time. Also if ds 'falls out' with someone I ask why and its usually incomprehensible nothing so I just tell him not to be silly / mean and all play together.

MintChocAddict · 25/03/2012 23:27

What they said.

Seriously if someone told me to save the day for my DC to attend a party, and then didn't follow up with an invite, I'd be quite gutted and think you were a bit of an arse TBH.
Would one more really make such a difference to your budget? Really??

And, they're 5 and 6, they fall in and out all the time. There will probably be another one in/out of favour before May.

AgentProvocateur · 25/03/2012 23:27

No, you can't possibly uninvite someone. Shock

In the nicest possible way, you need to chill.

FidgetPie · 25/03/2012 23:29

Also agree that you can't uninvite her having told the parent and child about it - hopefully it will be a good opportunity for them to get along better.

(it would be particularly cruel given the girl is new to the school so probably doesn't have many friends yet).

MrsJasonBourne · 25/03/2012 23:30

I don't know if you can really just un-invite someone, but you could always have a word with the mum and explain the situation. She's hardly going to want to force her daughter to go to a party where she's not welcome. And have a word with your daughter about inviting people over and then falling out with them. It's always poor mum who has to sort out these messes. Mind you, they might have made up by then.

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 25/03/2012 23:33

No, no, no! Poor mum shouldnt sort these messes, leave them to it. Please dont talk to the mum, I cant imagine a more awkward of hurtful conversation.

stealthsquiggle · 25/03/2012 23:36

Nope. You can't uninvite. Chalk it up to experience and don't try and pre-guess who a 5yo will be friends with so far in advance.

annh · 25/03/2012 23:38

It is still two months to the party and you notified the other parents soooo early that your daughter has since had a chance to fall out with one girl and become friends with another?! How long ago did you tell them about the party? In future, I wouldn't worry about telling the other parents so far in advance. although I would agree to keep the date in mind if someone mentioned it to me so far in advance, I certainly wouldn't hesitate to accept another actual invitation if I felt it was more important e.g. A landmark family birthday, weekend away - if the party is the first weekend of May that is a bank holiday which some parents probably won't even have remembered at the time.

I don't think you can uninvite the girl, in another few weeks they will probably be friends again or someone else won't be able to come to the party and you can invite the new friend anyway.

ggirl · 25/03/2012 23:44

If you had told me about a party months in advance I would have
a. thought you were slightly unhinged for organising it so early

b.forgotten about it.

What differnece is one girl going to make?

GrimmaTheNome · 25/03/2012 23:51

You have to invite the original 5. I suppose if you give the invitation to the mum you could say 'here's the invitation I mentioned a while ago...I'm not sure if they are so friendly at the moment, I do hope she would still like to come but I'll understand if she doesn't really want to' (or something like that which gives them an out if the other girl doesn't like your DD at the moment)

If no-one else drops out, invite the new friend over for a special playdate and explain to her mum you messed up by organising the party to soon.

AwkwardMary · 25/03/2012 23:54

Wtf?? Who tells people to hold the date for a KIDS TEA PARtY??? You've created an atmosphere around it now and made a problem when there was none...do not uninvite...it's VERY cruel.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/03/2012 00:00

If someone had mentioned to me ages ago to keep a date free for the party then the kids had fallen out, it would not bother me in the slightest if you said something like 'Sorry, but the girls seem to have fallen out for the moment and DD wants to invite another friend - I'm really sorry. Hopefully they will sort themselves out soon and maybe we can take a picnic to the park or something'. I would not be offended or upset and if I had been stupid enough to tell DD (which I wouldn't so far in advance) and if she asked why she wasn't going (I'd struggle with a child that was that stupid though, it has to be said) then I'd explain that you don't get to go to a party when you have fallen out with one of your friends... it's pretty simple really.

NarkedPuffin · 26/03/2012 00:05

For the love of god, don't ever get married.

It's a child's birthday party

Figarello · 26/03/2012 00:14

I would be very careful in engineering your daughter's friendships. Really, children fall out all of the time. And then make friends again. If you uninvite girls every time your daughter has a falling out then you really are making a rod for your own back. Also this girl only recently started school. It seems especially cruel for you to want to exclude her from your DD's social group. And it seems to me that it would be a very poor example to set to your DD to do this.

Either keep it to the original 6 girls or make it 7 and invite the other one. I am sure the lady doing the face painting, etc., will be happy to oblige if you have a chat with her. And next time don't plan so far ahead - that way madness lies! Smile

fluffypillow · 26/03/2012 00:21

What the others have said..............Don't uninvite!

To tell a Mum about a party, and then not give an invite is cruel...........she'll think you're a bitch. There will be excitement building up at School for the invited children the few days (or weeks)before, and that will make the 'left out' girl feel awful............could you really do that to a little girl? I couldn't, and I'm sure you would hate it and feel hurt if someone did it to your dd.

I'm sure you could add another child to the list if you really needed to, I've done it lots of times when my dc's have 'accidently' invited an extra person.

TBH, you need to focus on what is really important, and that is setting a good example for your dd. She needs to learn that if you invite someone to your party, you can't just change your mind............because it's MEAN!

lockets · 26/03/2012 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 26/03/2012 00:34

You can't uninvite a 6 year old to a party, that would be cruelShock

TheSecondComing · 26/03/2012 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 26/03/2012 00:37

'When I do the invites i'll be confirming with my daughter who she would like to come and if the friend she has fallen out with is not on the list, should I send out the invites to the girls she'd like to come and then say nothing to the mother of the girl she fell out with and hope it has slipped her mind?
Or should I say something to the mother with the possibility of making something out of nothing?'

NO!!!

You must invite this child who is already counting on coming to the party whether your DD has fallen out with her or not. Chances are your DD will have made friends with her again by the time the party comes around. Or she will have fallen out with one or all of the others. Tough cheese for all concerned. You jumped the gun with your save the date error. Don't compound it now with Queen Bee/Mean Girl behaviour and DO NOT teach your child that her whims are going to be listened to or that rudeness is ok.

You absolutely must not discuss the guest list with your DD. The guest list has already been decided and the mothers are now expecting an invitation because of your anxiety that nothing else would interfere with the party.

You must do the right and polite thing and invite all the children who have already been notified of the party.

Next time, do not ask people to save the date for a child's birthday party unless you have Justin Bieber lined up to perform.

You reap what you sow.

mathanxiety · 26/03/2012 00:39

And furthermore, whether your DD is friends again with this other little girl, you will encourage her to be polite and nice to her when she comes to the party.

PatsysPyjamas · 26/03/2012 00:46

This is the OP's first time on Mumsnet. I wonder if she'll be back?

(But of course you invite the child!)

JasperJohns · 26/03/2012 00:55

It was my ds' birthday last week. As someone who organised his party one week beforehand and invited the other kids via a hasty text to their mums, I am Shock at OP's extreme advance organisation!

Of course you can't uninvite someone!

Sanuk · 26/03/2012 01:05

I would think you were my someone I know were it not for the age of your child.

This Someone I Know has been known to send out emails asking us to save the date for teeny DC's birthday MONTHS in advance. And even then she was stressing that there wasn't enough time to organise things Hmm

Sending out the paper invite confirming means exactly that - confirming the plan you've already made. You made a verbal invitiation, you have to stick to it. It's the fucking decent thing to do.