Is it all right to un-invite a guest to my daughter's birthday party? Feel a bit horrid about it.

[softletters]

Hello, this is my 1st time on here. Please be gentle with me, I am in a bit of a pickle.

My daughter will be having her 6th birthday party in a couple of months. I have told her that she may only have 5 friends around our house for a birthday tea party. I am limited to 5 guests as A) we only have a small house and I have a very limited budget B) I have hired a wonderful fairy lady to come a do fairy crafts, activities and face painting with the girls and so my numbers are limited to a maximum of 6 girls including the Birthday girl so I cannot add on another guest to the party.

My daughter has been very sure of who will be coming to her party, which will be in the beginning of may. She has been very good friends with these girls since reception and her social circle at school has not changed very much since then. One of the girl's she'd like to invite has only been at the school since September and she gets on with her well enough. Knowing my daughter's 'invite list' I gave the Mothers the heads up asking them to keep that date free and that there will be proper invites on the way........I think that was my mistake.

Since then my daughter has fallen out with one of her friend's and does not really play with her at school any more, she is the girl who only joined in September and I do not know her Mother very well so they do not see each other outside of school. I don't think i've really spoken to her since mentioning my daughter's party. My daughter has since become close friends with another girl in her class and I have a feeling that she would like her to come to her birthday party too. I have not asked her about her party list but it is getting close to sending-out-the-invites-time.

What shall I do?!

When I do the invites i'll be confirming with my daughter who she would like to come and if the friend she has fallen out with is not on the list, should I send out the invites to the girls she'd like to come and then say nothing to the mother of the girl she fell out with and hope it has slipped her mind?

Or should I say something to the mother with the possibility of making something out of nothing?

Am I over thinking this?

I do not wish to be rude to the the other girl or upset anyone but I do not want to force my daughter to have someone at her party who she does not wish to be there, especially as she can only invite a handful of friends.

I would love to hear other people's opinions on this or if anyone else has had this pickle.

Many thanks

Welcome to Mumsnet, OP. We are not gentle.

You are unhinged to have put this much advance thought into a 6 year old's birthday party. And truly unbelievable to consider bumping one of the girls. I realise this is the event of the year for you, but it will not be for the other mums, so you stand an extremely high chance of at least one of the invitees not coming along on the day. Extremely high.

Thank you for all the replies........feeling a little battered and bruised now. Some people have been a bit mean but that's ok.

I'm not trying to be cruel or mean here. I'm just asking for some sisterly advice as I don't know what the hell i'm doing and i'm just trying to be organised. I really don't mind who my daughter invites but I just didn't know whether I should pay attention to the whole falling out thing or not. I also didn't think it was that big a deal giving a heads up for a party, I receive a lot of 'keep the date' chats in the playground for up coming children's parties here so I didn't think it was abnormal.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention. We've recently been left by ourselves, we've have had a horrific year, it has been terribly hard for all of us and I was just trying to plan something nice and perfect for her birthday. I just got a bit stuck on the whole social etiquette side of things and perhaps I have become a bit anal about it when I should chill out a tiny bit.

I came on here to ask because I was a bit embarrassed to ask my friends as I do realise that this shouldn't even be an issue. It's also helpful to receive a wider range of opinions. I just didn't expect to get such an ass-whooping.

welcome to MN, OP - well done for coming back!

Ignore some of the mean-ness, but honestly you would do yourself and DD no favours by un-inviting this child - if DD is adamant that she wants to invite the new friend then I would be inclined to go ahead, and either cross your fingers that someone can't make it, or grovel to the entertainer about adding an extra child.

And I thought I was organised with invites. I would see whether there is any possibility that the fairy lady would have 7, if not just invite the original 6, as another person has said if it is bank holiday weekend then someone might not be able to come.

I have checked with parents if they are free for a party, but only 4-6 weeks before, and then only to make sure special friend can come before sending out all the invites, or when organising a small party at half term which could be at anytime, so fiinding when the 3 people could come. I would make it clear to a dd that once invited the person can't be uninvited, hopefully your dd will appreciate this and be a graceful host. Maybe invite the new friend at another point for a playdate, I always find that new friends appear at birthday party time, who knows whether this new friendship will last aanyway.

Ok. We have established that you are a bit bonkers for giving out a 'save the date' notice for a 6 years old's party so far in advance, but having said that, here's what I would do.

I would wait and send the invites out two or three weeks before the party. I would invite whoever your DD wanted to at that time. I wouldn't worry about who I had told to 'save the date' because that's not really an invite. As a parent I only have time to give head space to something that is written in front of me. If a friend said 'I'm going to have millymolly's party on May 1st, save the date but I'll send a proper invite nearer the time' I would say 'oh lovely' promptly forget about the date until the proper invite arrived and then make my plans acccordingly. If the invite didn't arrive I would think no more about it.

And no, don't pay attention to the whole falling out thing - you will never keep up.

Have a lovely party - DD had a fairy lady party when she was 6 and it was fab - she turned the lemonade pink and everything. Magic!

i think that at 6 you will probably have trouble keeping up with who is 'in' and who is 'out' from one day to the next.

what i did, up until my two were old enough to have established proper friendships was just invite the whole class. it doesnt have to be expensive - i once hired the church hall, (for next to nothing) my mate who is a nursery nurse came and did the entertainment! we took a boom box and they played games, danced, ran about like loons, ate too many sweets and drank too much fizzy pop.

they had a ball! all 27 of em! saves the selection process! just throw a shindig and let them all come is my advice.

if you cant do that then dont univite the little girl, just stick to the original plan, learn from the mistake (ie - dont mention party dates months in advance) and go with the flow. If you are going to just invite a select few, do it at the last minute - people forget anyway! busy lives most people.....

dont let the arse whooping stop you from posting btw....this is the best forum to get an honest answer on!

Hello,

I didn't organise this months ago lol. Although it does probably come across that I have. I booked the fairy lady about 3wks ago as she is very popular and extremely busy. I just don't have very much experience/comprehension of children's social lives. I tend to just let my daughter get on with it and now all this has happened with her friend and confused me, which doesn't take much now-a-days. When I have done parties before it was always at soft play centres or in the village hall, everyone's invited then and I didn't find that stressful. I have found some of the comments on here helpful and hopefully the party will re-kindle their friendship and yes, everyone is right I do need to chill out about it a bit.

They'll possibly be friends again by May. Kids, especially girls are very fickle I find!
If they are still not friendly the other girl you want to uninvited will probably du she doesn't want to go to the party anyway.

One thing to bear in mind, OP, that the chances of ALL the invitees turning up is quite slim. You'll have at least one who won't be able to make it or who is ill on the day. Or maybe that's just me that happens to

So tbh, even if you ended up inviting an extra to make 7, chances are you'll end up with 6 anyway.

Invite the 5 you asked to save the date (the parents might not remember, but the child you invited probably will), plus the extra one if you'd like. You'll end up with the right number.

Sorry you've had an awful year. But the party sounds lovely.

'I really don't mind who my daughter invites but I just didn't know whether I should pay attention to the whole falling out thing or not.'

This is where you are going wrong.

You cannot leave a 5 year old in charge of a guest list. Whether you are confused or not about her social life, you must surely see that she is not the person who should be behind the wheel here. You need to take charge, or you will find over time that the other mothers are all going to end up shunning you because of allowing your DD's momentary fancies to decide important things for you. They will not like you for hiding behind her either or for throwing your hands in the air and pleading some sort of ignorance. Politeness and consideration for others is not a big mystery that nobody can hope to crack.

What is important here and in all of your DD's social transactions is politeness and fairness. Not who she is in with or out with on any given week. Children's social lives are no different from those of adults in this respect.

Oh come on, seriously?!

Have you nothing better to fret about?

I think you have had a few harsh words here and you will most certainly have learnt your lesson about being too organised etc.

In your situation I would just invite the 7 girls, as others have said at least one probably won't come anyway and if they do one more surely can be accomodated.

Kids at this age fall out for the most ridiculous reasons and make up again just as quickly, you will never keep up!

Thank you again for the comments. A lot of valid points taken on board :)

Not too keen on the flaming though, I thought these places were here to offer support and advice not places for people to try to belittle and ridicule those who are genuinely asking for help. I take things on the chin but still.....ouch.

soft , I think you will find on MN that a lot of posters will tell it like it is!
But that aside, it really is a fantastic source of support too, I don't know what I would have done without MN since my baby daughter died, the ladies here have been wonderful. However, talking of children's parties, Fruit shoots and Gregg's sausage rolls will get you flamed!

Well I was embarrassed to talk to my friends about it, so I came on here :o

You've done well to come back, Softletters. I hate it if I ever feel I am being attacked too, but Mumsnet is generally a nice place to be. Sorry you've had such a hard year. I'm sure the party will be lovely. If I were you, I'd just explain the situation to my daughter and tell her why we have to invite the first friend. My daughter is 5 and I think she would be fine with this.

An old biddy I met in the park one day gave me some advice: she said never let your daughter's fallings out become yours. The girls will be friends again before you know it, so make sure you have not fallen out with the mother. Good advice I thought ( wish I could remember to take it, it can be difficult sometimes!).

This has happened to ds, mum asked me to keep date free then "uninvited" ds to keep numbers down. The awful thing was I had already told ds about the party.

ok clearly i'm in a minority but i think you should invite whoever your daughter chooses to invite

the other girl has not been invited yet, so she cannot be uninvited.
you have simply asked the mum to keep a date free.. that's in no way binding IMO.

I wouldn't invite someone my child didn't like simply because i'd mentioned it to their parent months ago.
what will you tell your child? lie and say one of her friends couldn't come and that you decided to get X to come instead?

you're overthinking it big time.
get your daughter to make her lsit, send the invites out.

if she doesn't invite the other girl and IF the other mother asks about it just say "oh it's such a shame they've fallen out isn't it?"

Thank you PatsysPyjamas. I know it's a really silly thing to get in a flap over but it really has been troubling me, even though my daughter probably wouldn't bat an eyelid over it on the day. I haven't been able to go back to work (I also have a 1yr old) and I think I do have too much time on my hands to think about these things. The year will get better, I think I just need to have a nervous breakdown over a kid's party first. I just want it to be nice for her and for everyone to have a nice time after a really unsettling and rubbish few months. Someone on here said that they bet that this party is the highlight of my year, actually I think it is lol! Not in the same way as Super Sweet Sixteen on tv but in a sense that it has kept me occupied and given me something to focus on. I've been making origami paper flowers, paper stars, paper pompoms.....yes I know that party is ages and ages away......to decorate the house with and it has given me something to do and something to distract me. Yes I do think I have become a bit weird and anal over it, i'll work on that, but seriously I do want to know proper party etiquette and children's social lives do genuinely confuse me. I have had some really helpful advice and constructive criticism on here though, looking past the mean bits.

thisisyesterday, she'd tell her daughter the truth. Her daughter asked to invite the girl initially, which is why she's been invited.

Anyway, this other girl has only been at school since September, maybe she needs a hand settling in and you are making things nice for her? Have to say I find girls' friendships really hard. There seems to be so much competition all the time. Why can't they just be nice to each other?

Softletters, you could be making Easter decorations before that! I saw Easter crackers in a shop today... Actually, if the party really is the highlight of the year, you need to think of something else to look forward to in the future, as it will go so quickly.

ButTYI in this situation, it could be that the "save the date" has been translated into "you're going to X's party on that weekend". I really couldn't risk upsetting a child who thinks she's been invited to a party. But that may be because ds1 was left out of a lot of parties when he was that age and it upset me to see him upset. And at the moment, ds3 keeps telling me about a party he is going to be invited to and I'm just hoping the little girl in question is actually going to invite him as I think he'd be gutted to hear about it later.

But in fairness, OP, these things really only become an issue if you let them become an issue. of the origami decorations btw, Ds3 and now ds4 are into soft play parties now and I miss the idea of having parties at home so me and the other mums can drink wine and eat rice krispie buns

No way can you un-invite someone!

That is really spiteful