How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

I hate the phrase ‘throwing out or kicking out’ it does not at all reflect the 18 years of hard work and resources already put into raising the child, added on the time have allowed the adult to stay getting themselves sorted. In 99.9% of cases when someone is using this they are talking about someone being dragged out of their bed in the middle of the night and been thrown on to the streets with no other options, merely a parent who sets a deadline for when an able bodied often working adult needs to find their own place

Well now. Had a chat. All the crap has gone from the hall. Last night they made dinner, having bought the ingredients themselves (and almost washed up). All 4 are out this afternoon and probably this evening. And relax 😃

So you're not a conveyancer any more? The key part of your sentence is "was". Unless you have very recently given up this job, you can't compare your experience then - it's getting increasingly difficult to save and rent at the same time (even if just a room in a shared house). For something that is "vanishingly rare" I personally know a lot of young people living with parent while they save.

I was living in flat shares with friends and having a wild time in my 20s. Working, going out, going on holidays together. I can’t imagine how different life must be for young people today. It sounds so sad, all creeping back to their childhood bedrooms every evening.

I would prefer to live in a squat (and did!) then have this kind of existence.

@SadiraOfTyr exactly! I moved out at 18 and never went back because I could afford to do that. I just wonder if people realise how hard it is these days. I know for a fact that my children would prefer not to be living at home 🤷‍♀️

So why don’t the three that are earning rent a flat together?

But they can save money AND pay rent, surely? Whether that's in your home or in a house share with one another or friends... They don't have to be saving astronomical amounts every month.

I feel like too many parents place too much emphasis on creating easy conditions for their children to allow them to save for a mortgage deposit, but fail to actually prepare them for everything else

I understand this. We have 2 adult children at home and 2 younger ones. Its busy!

DH problem for sure!! Work on him first. His attitude is enabling the rest of them.

You are basically chief cook and bottle-washer for six adults (including yourself), and your DH doesn't want that to change any more than your kids do. Because if you do less, that would mean that he has to step up and do more.

An adult in work and paying no bills whatsoever by living at home with mum and dad should be able to save ten grand a year if they try hard enough. Is that what they are achieving? If not, then they are taking the bloody piss.

@bigrainbowscarf i am guessing you don’t have children in their 20s? Or if you do they are earning very well.You can’t save money and pay rent if you earn an average wage. You absolutely cannot.

@Somethinintheway I agree with whoever said that just saving the annual £4K in a LISA isn't enough though, they need to be saving more than that. The LISA scheme works out to only £333 a month, which is far less than they'd be paying in rent.

@orangehandles's estimate of about £10K a year is realistic; it's more equivalent to what they're saving in rent. That's not even factoring what they're saving on household bills as I'm assuming that you're not charging for utilities, WIFI, etc.

DS moved home for about 18 months and saved nearly £20,000. Admittedly he had a relatively well paid job but equally he wasn't spending on uber eats and going out all the time. So it can be done if they are serious.

They aren't sadly retiring to their bedrooms being all miserable, instead of being in flatshares and living it up (as suggested by a pp). They are living it up, while enjoying all the comforts of home. What's not to like? If I could do nothing at home and spend all my money on fun, I'd do it too!

Kids aren't the same as they used to be. When DS1 was looking for second year uni accommodation, his friends were so picky. They were rejecting houses that didn't have everything that was in their parents' houses. They seemed to think they were entitled to move straight out of halls into houses that were as good as the ones their parents had spent years working up to.
They don't want to settle for less than perfect.

@Aiming4Optimistic Good on him, that's the way to do it.

Yes, DD(21) has told me that some of her uni friends are living in really nice places, all mod cons, lifts,etc. She and her flat mates, however, have an avocado bathroom suite that was last in fashion during the early 1980's. 😂 But the rent is more affordable!

I only have one at home (24) and the expectations have to be clear.. I’ve given him the conservatory as his downstairs space, and he has his own fridge freezer. He does his own food shopping, cooking, washing, and clears up after himself.. Also has to clean the bathroom once a week. I don’t mind because he is saving for a house deposit and is out a lot at work and socializing. What are your lots long term plans?

I have 2 out of 4 at home wfh. They both know that they are responsible for keeping the kitchen spotless (by the end of dinner) each day, they do all the rubbish and recycling and where we live that involves driving everything to the local tip. They also help substantially with diy, go grocery shopping if we run out of anything and have to vacate with no grumbling every second friday morning when the cleaners come. They do their own laundry, own breakfasts and lunches and at the beginning of the week we divy up who is cooking dinner which night. They see it as the least they could do in return for a much nicer house to live in than they could afford, for virtually free. If I made it too comfortable/easy. They would never move out! So I try to hold back on my natural tendencies to just look after them and do it myself.