How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

I think the other issue is that in a lot of cases the parent doesn’t make it clear they would actually like the adult DC to move out or give very mixed messages so the Dc actually end up thinking the parents don’t mind or would be sad if they moved out while the parent is secretly resenting the whole thing.

To be honest I see such a situation as quite self inflicted, it’s unlikely they wouldn’t be in a position where they could at least rent a room somewhere or get a house share together

Ok, the consensus seems to be that the 3 working adult children should be kicked out. Message received. But I know I wont do it.
2 out of the 3 have partners and are saving together with their partners for a house deposit. Yes, said girlfriend and boyfriend stay over as well but are very welcome. In a year or so they should be close to moving out. It’s just the thought of the next “year or so” that alarms me!
In the meantime, a conversation needs to be had, I know. To be fair to DC I do think a lot of this is my fault. As people have said, I am too soft, absolutely. Point taken.

Definitely start with a dinner rota and make sure they are doing their own washing. A cleaning rota would work too.

I don't think anyone is saying kick them out.
But at least charge them rent and insist on them cooking once a week!

so there are five young adults? surely they can find a cheap flatshare with that number of adults as they will only need 3 bedrooms. They can still save for a deposit!

Oh, I am! Working adults shouldn’t be living at home with mummy and daddy long-term - they need to get their independence and start standing on their own two feet.

My DD stayed at home with us for 18 months and saved £20k towards a deposit on her flat.
she had been paying £800 a month for a room in a shared house.
mt friends DS has just done the same - I know many young people who have successfully saved a deposit whilst living at home.

Yeah for me they should be saving what it would have cost them to live alone, then they’d have a deposit in 2 years (3 at a push). Instead it sounds like they’ve saved a bit, and spent a bit more than they would living on their own so they’re not done yet.

I don't think everyone was saying you need to throw them out OP, but you do need to lay down rules for you all to live together in YOUR house.

My eldest one at home came back from travelling and I had to tell her that she either started contributing to the chores, cooking, and tidying and family life, or I'd treat her like a lodger and charge her board. The written rota and house rules reinforce that.

Also can you ask your dc to work in the office a couple of times a week? Mine leave the house to work so I frequently get the house to myself!

@RustyBear It sounds as if multi-generational living suits those families, because the 30-something's can't be saving particularly hard if they still can't move out. Or perhaps they'll only consider buying larger houses in expensive areas.

Oh come on
Some adult children need a good boot up the arse
Living at home well into their 30s is bloody ridiculous. And yes I know the rent is crazy. But these lazy buggers are at it.

Moral of the story - don't be a fanny and have 4 DC. Just have one. That way if they pull this stunt you only have one adult DC at home wrecking your life! 😂

Not really, it most likely just comes down to them staying there because it’s ‘easy’ and being totally oblivious to the impact it’s having on poor mum, probably not helped by huge current day societal pressure on mothers to be all sacrificing for ever even when their children able fully able bodied adults. So can well imagine OP giving them very mixed messages e.g. no you stay while you save up for a deposit, it’s the sensible thing, is lovely having you here etc

I have two at home.
One just graduated and looking for work but I’d busying himself in different ways (good, but it distracts him from the job search).

The other is working but more part time.
I wfh so we are often all here during the day.
And like you space is at a premium. Eldest was in uni city for 5 years as stayed up for a bit post-degree so had sooo much stuff - her room at uni much bigger than room here so we’ve had to use a lot of storage space. She’s desperate to move out but can’t afford it yet.

I liken it to overgrown teens. They want the privileges of living at home but the freedom to live like uni students (‘can my date come back’ - er, no). I will allow if they’re properly seeing someone, but not casual hook ups. I tell (DD - gay - in particular ‘it’s not a knocking shop’.

My take is
Put boundaries in place
They do their laundry and whatever chores you deem necessary
Pay some rent (but not so much they can’t save for moving out)
Time out for you too - I breath a sigh of relief when they’re out of the house or I go out instead

28 is old to still be at home, what’s their plan?

I was speaking to a work contact recently who bought their DCs a flat when they were in their late 20s (and working) as she was sick of them being at home!!

I’m in a similar position though with just 2 ‘kids’. I’m about to let the eldest know that I’m going to stop doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for him at the start of September. I’ve had enough, multiple times a week it’s ‘when’s dinner’ / ‘what’s for dinner’ as I step into the house after a day at work. Yesterday he was complaining that I didn’t cook a full dinner for him after being out in the day and eating out at lunch time. I did him a massive cheese omelette, beans and toast and washed it up but this apparently isn’t a full dinner. And the laundry! So it’s stopping, he can have a shelf in the fridge and I can cook the food DH and I like when we want to eat it. He can do his own shopping and laundry and clean his own room and bathroom, he’s lucky enough to have one to himself. I’m going to make it clear that doing no cleaning at all will not be acceptable. We’ll see how it goes! I’m not too worried from the POV of money, I’m still working 4 days a week and DH is full time so we can afford to have him home. My DD is still at uni so will be back there in September and is younger and more helpful around the house too, she regularly cooks dinner for the entire family for example and keeps her room lovely and fresh without asking so I don’t mind helping her out so much, and will keep on being ‘mum’ to her for at least the next year or so when she’s home from uni.

I’ve a 21 year old living at home. We are having some realise trying to get her to understand that now she is working and an adult she needs to contribute financially and practically to the household and that she needs to lose her teenage atitude. I lost it with her about three weeks ago and since then she has actually loaded the dishwasher twice without being asked to, and purchased some milk when she saw it was running out. She seems to think she deserves a medal for this but it’s at least a step in the right direction.

She has no plans to move out and I’m concerned that it will ruin our relationship long term as she is not a good house mate at all.

I really think you need to be clear with her and not leave her under the illusion she’ll be staying there indefinitely at her convenience

Put a deadline on it. Say Ok you have 1 more year to save so I would buckle down and stop spending money slap dash on restaurants when you could just make a sandwich.

Same here, I was always very independent and wanted my own space, ien life etc. Even when I was barely making ends meet. Can never understand the 20 somethings of today who seem to just love living at home, being treated like children and not helping out.
Anf so what if they've got to pay rent? It's part of life, you want to buy a house then work hard and get a better job, cut down to basic expenses, look at cheaper areas, buy with a partner, etc. No one is entitled to a house.

I'll be honest - we have our moments with adult dd and adult ds. Redefining the adult relationship has not been easy and the rows were a common feature of life in the first 6 months of having them home. Fully recognise the buying of milk scenario.

Sell and move far away. And not tell anyone

I have exactly this situation. I also have a DH who sees no problem. What I have done to make it liveable:

• go for a weekend away once per month. DH has been told this is the price of his choice.
• don’t cook or wash for anyone - everyone does their own. I cook what I want for me and ask DH if he wants some and if yes cook enough for 2. The kids are welcome to all the standard stuff like milk, bread butter etc etc but if they want to cook a meal they buy any ingredients they need. We have a ‘reserved’ section in the fridge where everyone knows you can’t take stuff from there. (Mine order food in too which I also find irritating but not my concern)
• insist on a tidy house - all their stuff in their rooms. Anything left lying about I insist is removed and if not I throw it in the garage for them to find at their leisure
• Ditto dirty dishes, if not removed after direction, put in their bedrooms until they feel like washing up / using the dishwasher
• They share in household chores - bathroom cleaning, vacuuming etc. They all have jobs. Ones they chose from the available options after discussion.
• I insist they pay me the equivalent of a market rent for their room each month. They know I am keeping this for them towards a house deposit. But it means firstly they are already used to the money coming out of their account and they can’t waste it instead (uber eats decreased noticeably!). If they don’t like it, they are welcome to move out and give that amount to a HMO landlord instead.
• Edit to add - I also claim the living room with the TV when I want it. I watch what I (or DH) wants. If they want to watch too fine, if not, go elsewhere. My home, my choice. Always.

Urgh I hate this so much. We created a spare sitting room when one moved out - has now moved back and the extension is their room. The others were sharing before the first moved out so now all bedrooms occupied and just one sitting room again, tiny kitchen and four adult children. I hate it so much. I hate the mess, the crap they all buy, having to answer the door to numerous packages, cleaning up because no one else will because ‘why should I clean up someone else’s mess?’

Sadly this isn’t unusual these days, particularly in the south east. A lot of my friends are in a similar situation OP with kids in their 30s still living with them.

You can’t thrown them out! But they could rent together maybe?

My two only managed to get on the property ladder due to an inheritance … otherwise they would prob still be here.

I agree they do turn back into teens when they return home … it’s odd. One of mine stayed overnight the other day as she was out with friends nearby.

She didn’t get up until after midday and was messaging me from her bed asking for food 😳🤣.