How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

Do they even earn enough to buy a home? It's not just the deposit it's the income stress tests the lenders do and that they'll only lend 4x or 4.5x salary

If it isn't achievable and they're not able to dump close to the max into their LISA each tax year then they just need to move out into rented with friends or each other - like the majority of young people unfortunately nowadays do. Most kids of friends only end up buying housed with family help or when they're in a couple as the combined income is high.

Could they go in on a special mortgage all together and part own the house between themselves? Nationwide do lending hand and sibling mortgages. I'd get them to look into it together. Otherwise what about you and DH buying a property and having them rent it from you ? I know some friends who did this whilst they were at uni but I know all the rent rules etc have all changed now so it's probably not feasible any more

Do they pay you anything OP? They should be doing at that age!

So I have 2 at home now (plus 2 teens) and my eldest was home last year and we nearly came to blows!

We do have a rota for jobs and cooking. I do require them to keep their crap in their rooms. I also have loosely enforced kitchen times so they don't spend all day (at different times) in the kitchen. The eldesst one at home (she's 23) is starting a job in Sept and I'd be charging her rent, but she's found a house share to move into in March.

I do think you have a DH problem!

I've found that having one at home can be quite pleasant, they are more civilised without the influence of their siblings, and it's easier to have conversations about tidiness etc. If there's more than one ( as there has been here in recent years) they revert to acting like they are 13, and if you try to ask one of them tidy up, they will explain how it's not fair because how come 'he' doesn't have to. You then get dragged into convos about how well actually you did speak to sibling 2 and 3 about that exact thing, so you are not picking on sibling 1.
Then you have the situation where if there's more than one, they gang up against the parents, and act like there should be some kind of democracy ( that works in their favour).
I did make sure that the working DC contributed their share of the household bills, and tried to get them involved with regular chores and rotas, although that was more successful when only one was home. I have a ban on cooking after I've gone to bed, because I am very smell sensitive and burgers sizzling at 2am wakes me.

Of course they are my DC and I love them and will always offer them a home if they need it, but you are right, OP it is overwhelming, you never get the house to yourself, you can't spread out . I'm sure none of us bargained for this when they were babies.
Working from home just intensifies the overwhelm. Can you ask the homeworkers to go in to the office 2 or 3 days a week, OP?

oh and cooking is on our rota, so I'm not doing all the cooking.

The wfh will be adding to this. Do they ever work remotely from a cafe etc?

I only have 2 adults at home (and 1 is away at uni half the time), but tbh I think one of the main issues (not really talked about when people extol the virtues of it) is WFH.

Our house was a decent size for 2 aduts and 2 children. It's still a decent size for 1 adult to WFH. It's not too bad for 4 adults especially as we were able to extend to add an extra downstairs room so we are not all on top of each other all the time and the DC can have their friends over etc. But by the time 3 of the adults are WFH at least a good proportion of the time, the house simply can't accommodate enough personal space/communal space and working space with just clever use of space. If DD also wants to live here after uni with a WFH job, I literally have no idea how we will physically manage it.

Charge them significant rent, save the rent for them, then give them it as a deposit to move out.

If they are working full time they can afford to pay the amount they would pay in a house share eg £500 a month.

You really need a big house i guess.

The 3 eldest (2 working and a student) could easily rent a house and share with siblings. They'd get there own room.

What do they actually contribute? Does it really cover their costs?

Do they do anything about the house and garden, or are you their servant, cooking, cleaning, food shopping, doing their laundry, looking after the garden?

The piles of stuff would drive me round the bend- they would get a warning: clear that lot up to your rooms by x or out it goes.
And mean it! Non compliance = stuff chucked out. If I were feeling nice, in bin bags, if not open the front door and lobbed right out. Preferably in the rain!

You are not their servant- they are adults- they should behave like it.

Thanks all. I appreciate your comments.
No, I don’t charge them rent because they are saving. I know this because they show me.
Yes, I am a bit of a pushover.
But, they are not incapable kids. They have all lived independently and managed their own bills etc. And they are decent and kind and loving.
I’ m sure when they go I will really miss them.
That’s easy to say at the moment because they are all out 😂

Make sure they pay you for bills and each have a list of chores each week

you should never cook as they should all do two nights plus all the cleaning

I have three adult children at home. 2 x 20 year olds and a 22 year old. 2 of the 3 are working, but all contribute to chores, and cook for themselves as I also work and we are all up at different times of the day. They all do their own laundry, and the working ones pay rent. In the evening I get the living room to myself, the kids chill out in their own rooms, or will occasionally come down and have a chat or whatever. At the weekends I sometimes do a roast and we will all sit down together, if everyone happens to be around. What I'm trying to say is you have to change from being mum, running around and doing everything for everyone, to sharing your house with 5 other adults. Make your kids take responsibility for their clothes, their belongings, their food..you don't need to run around after them anymore!

This is insane. You are becoming the lodger in your own and thinking of moving into the shed? Assert your authority. Don't hide in your bedroom. Your children are in no hurry to move out as they have free reign over you and your house. Be open to a little confrontation at least.

We have had four adults living with us. They kept their stuff in their rooms. They had tvs in their rooms so could hang out upstairs. Weekdays we all cooked separately and did our own pots. They shared a bathroom (and cleaned it!) No cooking or loud noise after 10pm . Emptied they own bins, did own laundry and bedding. I didn’t police them, their rooms were their space, they came and go as they pleased.

I have 2 of mine back home plus a partner of one and their baby. I love them all dearly but I equally dream of dinners for one, less mess and my own front door. In the beginning I was in Mum mode constantly but I have found a balance by being less available and doing my own thing more and more.
I think it has benefitted us all, and I'm glad that I am still around to be there for them all.

They have all lived independently and managed their own bills etc.

But earlier you said

They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money.

You need to start being honest with yourself OP.

Similar, except they cook for me, clean their spaces, do laundry on a rota and sort dogs. I explained at 17, I felt my time as parent was over and that we’d live as people sharing a house. Seems to work.

@likeitshard This is exactly how we did it when our AC were at home: computer or tv set in bedroom, doing own shopping / cooking / laundry during the week and cleaning communal spaces. After all, they did all that in rentals so why not now? I certainly didn’t cook for them or they for me: I’ve had enough family drudge cooking.

I agree with the pp upthread who says wfh has compounded the problem as they are not even out on a regular basis during the day. No wonder you feel suffocated OP! Is it wfh full time or hybrid?

If fully remote - don’t young people want to be with colleagues? My AC was fully wfh for years and when finally forced back she blossomed. Lost loads of the weight she’d piled on, joined the office gym, developed a social life (not with colleagues) - it was transformative. She’s hybrid working so can do the wfh bit too

I've got one adult DD at home, working age 23. The noise is under control, she knows to not play music after 10pm.

But the leaving things out for someone else (me) to put away drove me round the bend so I've now started fining her £25 each time I have to clear up after her and miraculously after having to pay one fine, it's stopped! I would have been happy to get paid £25 for 2 seconds work for putting a cardboard box in the recycling but she quickly learnt her lesson!

You don’t charge rent so they have no reason to leave. Charge rent, save it and give it to them as a deposit.

They’ll never leave for good if you make it too easy for them

I think you need to have a written rota pinned on the wall . It's possible that the mess is what's getting you down more than them ?
I have 2 A Cs at home , one is 45 who had some stokes 10 years ago so came to me from the hospital and the other is 43 and Autistic and doesn't go out or socialise . I don't do anything for them except occasionally make a meal , they do housework and their own washing etc . It's been hard with the eldest because the strokes have left him with some disabilities and moodiness . The youngest is a dream to live with . If the house was a mess I would feel the same as you do . I can't live with untidiness or uncleanliness .

And this helps the OP how, exactly?

The nonsense about them going out to dinner on the night you asked them to cook should stop. That’s just rude. They cook at home on a rotating basis and if they go out…they take you and pay for your meal!

also charge them digs for goodness sake! They must be costing you so much and WFH too. Sheesh.

I’ve got two adult kids living at home. You need to give them regular chores. Clean the bathroom on a rota, put the bins out, hoover, wash kitchen floor and also cooking. We have a rota for all of that. I expect each to cook for the rest of us a meal a week. They get the food too. What goes on in their bedroom in terms of mess I ignore - I don’t look. They also do their own washing. No eating in bedrooms. Good luck. It can be nice if they are fair and not entitled.