How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

Do you own your own home?

If so, downsize. Give them three months warning then put the property on the market. It will
probably be a full year before you actually move on that timescale.

Be absolute resolute.

I completely agree!

At 20 I couldn't wait to move out. I would have cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than move back in with my parents.. I even hated to go back and stay there for a weekend.

From your updates, they need to have less disposable income - home is too comfortable. You can start charging them a meaningful contribution towards the costs of living at home. This would teach them that life is not free and there's no magic fairy just making food appear! I don't see why they should not save, live at home on your dime and spend all their cash on fun stuff. They need to be forced to save. You could make them transfer you money every month that you save on their behalf or you could issue deadlines for moving out, on the grounds that they are not meeting their end of the bargain.
Get dh to clean up after them and do more of the housework, if he's not keen on imposing rules - he might soon see the benefits when it's him who has to deal with the extra mess they make.

All sensible suggestions, thanks. None of it will help with all the “stuff” that they have around the house though. Bags of clothes waiting to go on Vinted, trainers everywhere, stuff they’ve brought from previously living away etc. Our house is not small but has very little storage. I need that Kondo woman to come round. Or maybe I’ll just chuck it all in a skip🤔

Dealing with their stuff can be an agenda item on the household meeting.

My Mum used to hold the occasional meeting when she needed things to change….we were apprehensive when she called them, we knew that she wasn’t happy about something . 😂

Yep! "I've ordered a skip for next Thursday, everting you haven't got rid of will be going in it"

Student is fine, but 3 working adults should not be living at home, especially not after 25!

The fact that they are ‘running out of money’ when they move out is even more of a reason why they need to move out! They clearly haven’t learned to be responsible and stand on their own two feet. You need to stop babying them.

Maybe your home is too nice. I moved out at 18 and never returned (aside from visits). Found it very hard living with my dad and brother. Make sure to get them to do some chores and cooking, they should be handling their own washing too, they won't like it and might prioritise moving out more. Make them keep all their own stuff in their rooms too, if it's cluttered they're more likely to do something about it. Charge board too if you like, that would put me off living there haha

Not that it helps you, but I think this is the way the world is going and that with jobs disappearing families may have to get used to housing and supporting children well into adulthood…

Can you charge them each a weekly sum and recruit a cleaner/housekeeper?

But the question should really be: ‘Who is cooking for us all tonight?’ Do you have a rota?

I hear you with the stuff. I've been doing tip runs to dispose of all the excess crsp my DS brought home when he moved back in. He's doing a PGCE in September so I think he'll move out when that's done and he's lined up a job. What we couldn't store easily, I've made him keep in his room or get rid of. It's a work in progress though.
I daydream about moving into a granny flat all by myself, where everything is painted white and there's no clutter!

Can you pay for them a deposit on a house and they split the rent 4 ways? Do they pay anything to you ATM? Do they all have their own rooms?

I got a cleaner and my adult child shares the cost - this made a huge difference

I think it would be fair enough to give them a day a week each where they have to do/remove their own laundry, and a day a week each where they are responsible for dinner for whoever wants it.

And definitely take some money off them, save some of it for them sure but it’s perfectly fine for you to go away for a weekend even if to a premier inn to get AWAY from them.

You may feel mean but on the other hand you are getting close to the danger zone where if home is too comfy and nice for them, then making the jump to scuzzy rental or ‘fixer-upper’ first purchase just is not that appealing.

I vividly remember this happening to a friend, her mum was an incredible and generous hostess, lovely home etc… of course she extended this attitude to her kids and in fact it genuinely became impossible for my friend to ‘bear’ with living in a horrible but incredibly fun 20something shared house. She really had complete failure to launch which of course had all sorts of consequences, practical and psychological.

Are any of them close to buying somewhere?

The mistake I see a lot of people make is go 'oh they are saving, its so expensive but not actually pay attention to how much their kids bring home vs outgoings vs whats actually getting saved.
A friend of a friends son has been at home 10 years and 'still cant afford to move out' he's worked full time all that time, normal commute costs, no rent... where the fuck has the money gone? We live in an average area and he makes around 30k. He always has money for holidays and cars.

I hope you're at least charging them a decent amount of rent or they'll never go!
Mine are all 20 something, and I only have DD23 left at home. She was looking to move in with her BF, but has had some health issues so it looks like she'll be staying for the foreseeable. She is actually pretty pleasant to live with though. If the boys came back it would be another story!
I was thinking of getting a campervan and taking off for a few days here and there.

Honestly I suspect it’s not that common because 4 children families are less common these days and I would imagine in a lot of big family homes there is more pressure to move out due to space, certainly the case for DH.

Hire a skip. Tell them that you are chucking everything out of YOUR house including THEIR shit.

So many adults living with their parents because it's easier than standing on their own two feet.

Me and DH just spent an insufferable weekend with friends of 40+ years whose failure-to-launch and hideously entitled adult children are still living at home at 28 and 30. Their mum makes endless excuses for them, but they're lazy delusional shits who think they're special / will be discovered / influencers.

They all pay rent sufficient to cover food and utilities. Non negotiable (except for student).

They pay for their own phones, streaming services, clothes and toiletries.

They all clean up after themselves and take their turn to cook for the whole family. Non negotiable. With six adults in the house this could mean that you each cook one night a week and get a takeaway once a week.

They are adults. If they don't agree they can move out.

Agree with @Thundertoast It is only worth you suffering this nightmare if they are genuinely saving to move out - ask for evidence if you are not charging proper rent. Also agree with those who have said they may get too comfortable.
New rules:
All their stuff in their rooms - or they pay for storage somewhere.
Each needs to buy food and cook for everyone who is in one night a week ( they get to keep leftovers for lunch).
Have a rota for hoovering/ cleaning bathroom/ putting bins out/ washing up etc( pegs with names on - incl DH!)
One laundry day each a week - incl their bedding and towels.
It’s a home, not a hotel and they are old enough to pitch in. Same rules for all of them to avoid arguments - it is fine for you to say you need some help, some space and some peace OP. Good luck!

The 3 who are working shouldn’t be living at home! It’s not cruel not to let them live at home, it’s actually kind, as it helps them be proper adults and mature. My older DC have moved out and rented together initially, paying half the rent each. This is allowing them to save for a deposit.

Compare them to my ex who lived at home for years and years. He still goes home now, sitting there letting his elderly parents run round after him and pay for his shopping and clothes even though he earns well. He struggles to do normal adult things because he missed the window to move into adulthood in his early/mid 20s. Failure to launch, I think they call it.

Tell them you love them but they need to move out as the family home is no longer the right place for them. Help them find a property to rent together if needed. If you want to give them financial support to help, you can agree to pay the deposit or for furniture or whatever.

Similar here. We have the space also and maybe I'm in the minority but I love having them all here.

Not in some weird smothering way but although they all work I would rather them save their money.
They do help towards bills and help me around the house.

I also enjoy their company so I'm happy for them to stay x

• All stuff stays in their rooms. Anything found lying round the house gets put in a lost and found bin
• Everyone must retreat to their own room by 9pm- no exceptions.
• Kitchen closes at 8.30pm

Because of different reasons I have both my adult children at home.They look after themselves so it’s not a problem for me,Im enjoying their company.
This is their family home and there will always be a bed for them when they need it.

If they keep it in their rooms you have no need to see it.