How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

I know someone who charged all her children rent, put it in an ISA or something and gave it back + interest when they needed it for a house/wedding. The children didn't know it was for a present and being safeguarded, but it was a delightful surprise years later. It taught the children financial responsiblity and it also stopped them frittering their monthly income on holidays/clothes etc.

The whole point of letting adult DC live at home is so they can save, especially helpful if you're not well off enough to give them lump sums for deposits. If they have to pay rent their savings will grow slower. Saving up on their behalf is definitely babying them. Teach them to budget and invest, yes, but don't do it for them.

Yes I save for my ds

dm did the same for me

Yes meals drive me mad too. If it were just me and dh we would just have easy meals like an omlette or a jacket potato or could just buy one pack of salmon for the two of us, but when the kids are home we feel obliged to cook a ' proper meal' but then they will eat out or ds3 will be at his gf's half the week and not tell us in advance whether he will be in for tea so food gets wasted. I think we are just going to start planning that he won't be here. Ds2 has just moved into his own house but says he doesn't like cooking and misses dh's cooking so still turns up for meals two or three times a week also !! I generally love having them around but the meal situation is frustrating.

But OP has already said that they’re wasting money that they could be saving. This forces them to save.

They’ve also left and returned because they could not manage their own bills

AND they’re fully grown adults getting a free ride (one of them is 28) - they’ll never move out if not given some kind of push. This teaches them to budget AND save.

@Somethinintheway get a campervan and go away every weekend.

You’re making life too easy for them to just stay living with you by the sound of it, they can rent a place together

So she has to leave her own house because her adult kids are so entitled and lazy?

A LISA has a limit of £4000 a year! They will never get enough for a deposit before you retire at that rate.
I think the suggestion of a house meeting is spot on. A cooking rota and keeping their junk in own rooms is the absolute minimum.

Ds2 has just moved into his own house but says he doesn't like cooking and misses dh's cooking so still turns up for meals two or three times a week also !!

@Pickledonion1999 That would drive me potty. Honestly, I'd start getting a few nice bits in for you and DH (only enough for two!) and next time DS2 saunters in because he doesn't feel like cooking, he'll have to saunter out to the nearest takeaway.

We told ours - if they start to look like they aren’t saving we will enforce it with “rent” it’s not ideal. I want them to develop good financial discipline - I want them to feel like they are responsible for their own saving. And I’d say we have made living at home too easy and that we’re less robust with them as time goes on. They are both quite reactive when I ask them to pick up after themselves which is training me not to say anything - I know this and so every time I ask I brace myself for another argument. They are only a year post graduation and they have got better but I look forward to the day they don’t live with us. I think I need to have a chat about the reactive responses to reasonable requests and this thread has reminded me.

I was a conveyancer for well over a decade. I have said this on Mumsnet before- I have acted for well over a thousand first time buyers. I can count on one hand the number of first time buyers who went straight from living with parents and “saving for a deposit” to buying a home. It is vanishingly rare. Almost all the first home buyers I acted for went from renting their own place to buying a home.

The living and home and saving for a deposit is in most cases bullshit. There is always something more fun to spend money on when you have free and secure housing.

There is no way I’d accept my kids being “reactive” to me while having the privilege of living in my home. If they are adults, conversations about what needs done to keep the house in a liveable condition should be just that, an adult conversation. If they can’t manage a respectful conversation and some negotiation they can find somewhere else to live. Training you to just not say anything is so far from acceptable.

Stop being so soft. With the exception of the student, they all need to bugger off and live their own lives.

I know renting is pricey these days and “paying off someone else’s mortgage” but it was the done thing 20 years ago when I left home. It was viewed as a short term thing, often with friends to bring costs down, until a house purchase could be made.

In your situation OP the siblings could find a house to rent together and share the costs. They’d still be able to budget to save up for a deposit if they work hard. If they are having takeaways they aren’t budgeting and saving hard!

I am just starting to have this situation and am already resentful that after years of continuous tight food budgeting my teens are spending their disposable income on eating out.
you could -
keep to a cooking and cleaning and gardening and odd jobs rota
insist that if they live in the family home they take part in family life eg cook meals rather than eat out
insist that money saved on rent is gong towards a deposit
but also insist they contribute to bills
and also contribute to a cleaner

What is their take home pay? How much are they saving? I like the old mantra of 1/3 rent, 1/3 savings and 1/3 everything else. If they aren't paying you any rent they should be saving at least 2/3. But are they even paying for food, energy costs etc?
I would expect 1/3 of take home to be paid as rent as it gets them used to living within their means. And cooking at least one meal a week for everyone else.

Exactly, this attitude of treating adult children like little kids doesn’t do them any favours and makes it harder for the rest of us as they see their friends being subbed half way through to middle age and think we’re mean for not doing the same. We have 1 of our adult DC still living at home as we have the space and they contribute towards bills, don’t make a mess, do their own shopping, cooking and washing and help us out with childcare, shopping and other little jobs plus they have saved a hefty sum towards a house deposit and the understanding is they will buy their own house as soon as they are in a position to do so. Our other adult DC live independently

Bullshit.

I wouldn’t be too sure they don’t assume they’ll stay until their 30s. One of my friends still has her 35 year old child living with them, with no indication of moving out, and neighbours who are both in their late 70s have both their adult children aged 36 and 38. All three adult children are working in quite good jobs, but apparently can’t afford to move out.

No, she needs a smaller house, so that the "kids" will have to F off!

I wonder if it might be better to treat it a bit like a house share. Agree some rules about not cluttering up shared spaces, noise curfews etc, if they leave stuff just throw it in their rooms, if they repeatedly wake you then they have to leave. Let them buy and cook their own food, you might need to create cupboard and fridge space space in the kitchen.

Rather than charge them rent charge them for a twice weekly cleaner who will come and clean so you don't need to.

Consider making your bedroom more luxurious and a sanctuary, or invest in tv's and fire sticks for each of their rooms and encourage them to spend time in their rooms like at uni.

Nonidea if any of this will work but as I wander about my house muttering about the crap my own teens leave and their constant need to be fed I do think once they are adults and continue living here they can bloody feed for themselves and then pay someone to clean it up rather than continue benefiting from my unseen labour. (Before anyone tells me to make them pull their weight they do but there is so much invisible work that I seem to notice like cleaning sink traps, wiping sticky marks off things, emptying the hoover, cleaning the washing machine filter that my kids and dh are just blind too but I cannot stand).

DS is 25 and at home and now his GF has moved in. They both give me a bit of rent and are no bother, they even give a hand with stuff sometimes. Four is just a lot by sheer numbers but they need to do stuff round the house at the very least.

These two want to rent but are waiting on her to get a permanent job to know where to locate. Ask them their plans? But by ask I mean you have an input.

Why are people so wet? Disabilities or temporary emergencies aside, adults in their 30’s should not be living with mummy and daddy. Are these adults not absolutely mortified to be still living at home?

OP I can see this genuinely being my future....😬

I have 4DC and due to the COL I imagine they'll be here for some time. Each has their own bedroom. We moved the master bedroom into what was previously our living room. Our dining room is now our living room. Eldest is 19yo. But he has additional needs. So needs lots of support with things like sorting out his car insurance. Every day is already stressful with one adult child, dreading being in your situation in years to come....and I know it will likely happen as it's getting worse financially for everyone. Sorry I don't have any solutions but I do have sympathy in buckets!!