How do parents cope with several adult children living at home?

[Somethinintheway]

I have 4 adult children living at home between the ages of 22 and 28. 3 are working (2 of those WFH) and one is a student. They have all moved out at stages and then moved back in after running out of money. I feel I am losing my mind. Our house is not enormous. I have taken to going to bed very early just to get away from everybody. Does anybody else have this and can you give me tips to survive? I love them dearly and they are easy to get along with but they are just here all the time!!!

Any chance of them moving out in the near future?
I think you have to have house rules about housework, noise, clearing up the kitchen after themselves or whatever flashpoints there are in your house, that you feel strongly about.
Don't make them so comfortable that they never want to leave - you have to change your mindset from being a mum who runs around after them all, as if they are still little kids, to letting them do stuff for themselves and expecting them to function like adults and pull their weight when it comes to maintaining the home, paying their share of expenses.
I'd also say to get lots of weekends away if you can and to make your private space a sanctuary, so it feels like a place you actively want to be in and not a place where you are hiding.

Time to evict them op. Surely the 3 working adults can afford a house share between them??

I think I’d say this too.

I have one adult dd at home and one teenage ds and I love them dearly but honestly can’t wait for dd to move out now. The mess, the noise, the chaos.

I agree with @Aiming4Optimistic. You've living with four adults who happen to be your children so you mustn't run around after them doing "Mum" things now, they are quite capable of looking after themselves.

You live your life as you want to, go out when you wish, make plans to go away when you wish, etc. I'd also crave personal space in this situation and would probably go on evening walks to get away from everyone :-)

You are all right, but I just feel that this is their home too. It’s just starting to feel as though it’s not MY home. I feel as though I’m getting in their way when I’m home. It’s not really what they do or don’t do (tho they don’t help out much around the house) it’s just that I thought I would be past this stage now. Sorry, just a bit overwhelmed I think

@Somethinintheway I also don't think there's anything wrong with asking them what their future plans are housing-wise. What's your 28-year-old's situation, for example, surely they don't assume that they'll still be living at home when they're 35?! I'd hope that they all have plans to move out.

My two eldest are 23 & 19 they rent together. You have every right to tell them working to find their own places to live. It is lovely to have your home for them to fall back on but it can't be a permanent fixture especially when it's effecting you this much.

I am hearing that this situation is normal these days but not amongst my friend group whose kids have mostly moved out. I suppose I was just wondering how other people cope? They all want to move out, and they all have at times, but realised that renting is expensive. I want them to save for a deposit so am willing to put up with this but it is difficult. I wish I could win the lottery and give them all the money for deposits but I can’t. So this is what I’m doing for them. It’s just hard

@bettyrubble99 Yes, I hope to always be supportive to my children, but personally, I do think that grown adults can't expect their parents to always provide for them (housing, financially, etc.), especially once they're close to 30.

Our parents are individuals too with their own needs.

@Somethinintheway So your eldest is definitely saving for a deposit?

Is there a cleaning/cooking/shopping rota? If it’s their home then they should contribute to the running of it, all equally. You should be cooking max two nights a week, for example.

A friend of mine was in a similar postion to you, their Adult kids wouldn't talk about moving out etc . So my friend put the house on the Market , she sold it and moved to a smaller house . They all managed to find alternative places to live and my friend got her life back

@BruFord yes they are all saving towards a deposit with Lisas. @readingmakesmehappy they don’t do much around the house, no. And what makes me mad as hell is when I say I’m not cooking and so they go out for food!!! When they are supposed to be saving. It drives me crazy but DH tells me to “not cause an argument”. He doesn’t seem to mind it the way I do. And I also hate confrontation

The 28 year old needs to rent and live their life. It may be expensive but I imagine your house isn’t built for all those adults and they can’t stay at home forever especially if they are doing very little and affording takeaways! Other young people manage
time for a deadline I think…..

Another problem with them being at home is that you see what they are doing wrong. I wouldn’t know if they weren’t here! For example, WFH seems to mean a lot of napping for one of them and going to the gym for another. I don’t want to see it!

@Somethinintheway It sounds as if you're still parenting them a fair amount if you're cooking for them and doing most of the household chores. That needs to stop.

@readingmakesmehappy's suggestion of a rota is worth considering. I'd call a "meeting" and explain that the current situation isn't working for you, you need a break and four healthy 20-something's are quite capable of helping out more in the house.

I've noticed this among my peers (50's) that so many of us run around after our 20-something's. They're 30-plus years younger than us! We need to restrain ourselves!

My neighbour built a garden room/granny annex, with the idea that the returning kids would live there. But shes moved in and left the kids to maintain the house without her!

I have this so I feel sympathy for you. Mine are older than yours. One is 37 & one is 30. I also have an older daughter who has left home.
I don't have any answers to the problem but like you I feel asthough they are always there. The constant mothering is making me suicidal and yet no one would ever guess as i'm good at putting on a happy face. I have spoken to them about them having their own place but they don't want to leave. I, on the other hand want to see them settled & managing bills & life without me constantly proping them up before I die. I'm 61 now. I had my first child at 21. I bought my house at 18. I don't understand why you would want to live at home when you could have your own place but I would never force them out.

@ThisHazelPeer Pull back and start treating them more like adult roommates than your children.

I have 3 adults at home aged 20-24. Currently school holidays for me so I am chilled but sure it won’t be the same once I am at work. Everyone has to pull their weight - not cooking and washing for everyone. We are lucky in that we have a largish house so we can all get away from each other ! I think you need to have some clear rules about meals and household chores.

Both of mine bounced back a few times. I was happy for them to save on rent and they both bought houses eventually. I would always want them to know they had a home here if they needed it but I completely understand it's much more difficult once they have lived away independently and come back. However capable they've been in rentals they seem to revert to teenage Kevin's when they come home. Mine even do that at Christmas.
However we have lots of space and could manage it that way. I feel like you need two living rooms to make it work!
Could you have a house meeting?
Explain why you are happy for them to stay while saving up you also want some space and for them to behave like adults.
Set out what you would like and be prepared to compromise.
You'd like to never have to clean up after them. That means they have to do it straight away, not "later".
You want some privacy and peace in your living room. It can be theirs at certain times but you want it to yourself between say 8 and 10pm.
You get the gist.

@Seagulldancing I have thought about a garden room but DH not keen. I agree about the chores. I agree with everything that has been said tbh. It would be easier if DH was willing to back me up though, which he isn’t. It will all be down to me. More or less as everything always has been. Are you sensing a DH problem here 😂

Are you charging the ones who work rent and board? I’d use some of that money and get a weekly cleaner in.

For things like seeing them splurge, you need to have an agreement in place about exactly how much they will save each month at minimum. That amount should be equivalent to rent. It should just automatically be paid at the beginning of the month.

Each working adult should have a goal for independent housing and you should be able to count the maximum number of months it will take them to reach that goal.

I assume DH isn't doing any of the grunt "parenting" work?

you can't change their behaviour OP, you can only change your response to it

so if they say they're saving for a deposit, but they're actually not you can't change that, what you can change is how you respond to that

as a PP said, it maybe if you lack assertiveness and your DH is bloody useless, then leaving all of them to manage on their own might be best way forward. Im sure DH would definitely step up in your absence....

or go on an assertiveness course

I assume DH isn't doing any of the grunt "parenting" work?

I suspect you're correct, @Theeyeballsinthesky!

Tbh, no one should be doing any grunt parenting work for four healthy 20-something's.