Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

Many children won’t or can’t when push comes to shove 🤷‍♀️

are the children selfish if they move away and can’t provide care to elderly parents?

in our case it meant we could as we bought a place with a granny annexe so mil could move in. Her other child had been “caring” for her, but that ended up unworkable as she couldn’t live on her own. That and they took over 100k in 3 years from her accounts as part of that “care”. We couldn’t have provided care if we’d have stayed as we simply did not have room.

Younger people often have to move for work. That’s not the sane for retired people. If you have a granny annexe, great but older people sometimes don’t want to leave friends behind and start again. I’m 70 and I’m not going anywhere. We see our friends struggling with parents who have moved to seaside villages and I’d be saying I could not do this with a family. So think whet you do and what input from family you want. If you accept it’s minimal, go. If you want to see grandchildren in school plays, come to their big moments, then don’t go too far! And don’t expect to be collected when you cannot drive!

You're not a child.

But they think they raised you to be a capable human being and have decided to live their best life.

No, my sister lived with them at the time when they moved. They offered her to go with them but she didn’t want to and then suffered majorly for it financially. She later decided to move there a year or so later as she had no choice.

No I don't think your parents are selfish - I don't like the sound of your partner though.

Yep. Your DP is right. Totally selfish bastards and rotten parents. It should be compulsory for all parents to live round the corner from adult children until they drop dead. Is that the answer you wanted OP?

It. Is the same for retired people though. You look at your income and make the decision based on affordability. Younger people move for work to maximise their income, retired people may have to move to cheaper areas is their income cannot fund their current living situation.

and with attitudes like that I’m not suprised parents move away. My mum moved away for a number of reasons, including more affordable living. Yes I go and collect her when she wants to come and stay, I’m not such a bitch that I’ll say to an elderly lady you moved, you come and see us or you don’t see us at all. We go and see her as well.

if someone cba to want the best for your parents in their old age, and encourage them to live their life how they want, then that says a lot. Same with my kids, if they want to move to Australia I will support them. I’m not going to say you move that far and it’s the last you’ll see of us.

Wow the replies on this thread are so weird. OP YANBU to have hoped your DM and stepdad would have wanted to stay and live close to you and your family. It IS strange. Sure, they had their reasons. Different lifestyle, cost of living.. whatever. Most parents enjoy having a close relationship with their adult children and grandchildren. It is cultural quirk of the UK that we make excuses for, or even prioritise, our own individual preferences. But that's not the norm in many other places. In many cultures it is simply expected that extended family (especially grandparents) are closely involved. It's a shame that that isn't the case here, really. Or expecting that kind of closeness or involvement is labelled as selfish, or transactional. It's such a weird take. Isn't that what family is all about? Everyone helping each other out?

Likewise it won’t make the OP selfish if she is unable to help them much due to the distance if/when they become old and infirm. Her parents made the choice to relocate and that could have consequences later for them.

It’s really not very far at all and your parents are entitled to their own life. My parents lived a similar distance away when I had DC and they still managed to develop a close relationship. Obviously they weren’t available for day to day childcare, but that was our job to arrange as parents. They still spent a lot of time with us on extended visits, and we regularly traveled to them.

However, if they had decided to move abroad for retirement to a country you do not have right of residency in, you might have a point. That is storing up all kinds of problems as health problems inevitably emerge as they age. I’m currently struggling to support my DM, in her mid 80s and living in Spain, with cancer treatment. Being limited to being in the country for 90 days, juggling a full time job and being expected to provide full care to Mum by Spanish healthcare professionals has been impossibly stressful. The cost of the airfares alone has been financially crippling.

Your parents can live where they choose. But when they become old and need care they cannot then rely on help from their children. As ye sow so shall ye reap.

I’m sure they will be fine to liquidate their assets to pay for care - not that op would be thinking of a large cash sum when her parents have passed.

@OnGoldenPond So they needed a stiff talking to before they went. Assuming they are not Spanish. I’d expect them to have money for carers.

@Whatthefork1 how old were they when they moved? You were quite young to have settled down. Did you expect them to live in the same place forever? I wouldn’t expect my DC in early 20s to live in the same area forever. If you had moved 4 hours away instead would you have been selfish?

My mum was 48. Yes maybe quite young to have settled down, but the fact is that I was settled down at 24, having been with my partner since 19 and still with that partner at 31, with two children. No intentions to move out of the area.

yes I absolutely have found some of the replies very odd. I must be very immature and selfish to wish that my mum lived close by so that we, as a family could all have a closer relationship. 🤦‍♀️

@Whatthefork1 so at 48 you expected her to put her life on hold for you? Some people have only just started their families at that age.

Maybe she has a greater sense of adventure than you.

Did they have jobs to move to?

Does that closer relationship depend on your parents doing childcare?

Wishing you had a closer relationship isn’t selfish at all but thinking they shouldn’t have moved when you have no desire to move closer to facilitate that close relationship is a bit selfish. It feels a bit like it’s ok for you to live where you want as it suits your situation or circumstances but you won’t extend them the same courtesy.

Your dh is ridiculous. I live 300 miles away from adult dc. I lived 300 miles away from my parents when I was 21. Are parents ( specifically mothers) supposed to never have a life?

It’s only four hours, my mum moved to Australia extreme eh my son was 11 days old, first grandchild. She wanted to ‘live her life’ I guess that’s her choice she brought us up and it’s her choice. I finished my nursing degree had more kids and got on with life, I think now she’s back in the uk she’s annoyed we don’t visit much.

I’m guessing you and/or your partner were hoping your mum would provide childcare, which is why this move was considered “selfish”? Your mum was only 48 when she moved - still young and with her kids settled and independent. When does a woman ever get to prioritise herself rather than everyone around her?

You're making so many sweeping generalisations about people's lives I don't know where to start. And your comments about older people are offensive.

No, it's no more selfish than adult children moving away from their parents. We only have one life and we should choose how to spend it.
I wouldn't do it but it doesn't make me any less selfish than OPs parents , I wouldn't do it because I know it would make me unhappy.

And I have lived on the other side of the world from my parents for over 20 years. My kids are very very close to their grandparents despite not seeing them in person very often. Four hours is pretty doable really.