Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

I live close to one adult child and a plane ride away from another. After the stress they have caused me over the years I wish I could go and live on an island somewhere with no Internet.
No your mother is not selfish. She is sensibly taking responsibility for her own life.

It is better not to assume isn’t it. Your statement is far from the truth of what me and my DP are like and I think you’re being quite unfair.

My DP’s dad and step mum have our children two days a week (eldest one day and youngest the other), they insisted they did that from day dot when I returned to work. We don’t ask anyone else for anything, we don’t ask for childcare and we don’t ask for help as we believe those two days are already enough. They and my DP’s sister will every now and again offer to have the children for a few hours here and there and insist that they enjoy it and have no issue with it and we should take more time to ourselves, but we don’t as we had our children and we are therefore responsible for them. Myself and DP haven’t had an evening out together for about 10 months!

Most people on this thread are completely missing the point of the post. It were a simple question as to what others thought of the situation and I am happy for all opinions to be shared, but please don’t assume you know what I am like 😂

@Whatthefork1 do you think your DM at 48 should have stayed near you just in case you had DC?

Do they work where they now live?

Do your DP’s parents work?

That makes me sad, and a bit angry. Your eldest is being horribly selfish. You do not exist to be a baby sitter and cover hospital appointments for one of your offspring.
You need a serious conversation with her, and then go ahead with your plans.

meh. You don't make yourself look anything other than a petulant child with each further post you make, tbh.

No I don’t. Yes they do work where they are now and no my DP’s parents run their own business but have pretty much retired now.

Why? Because I’m having to explain myself on MN to a poster who is assuming a whole lot about me from one single post. Of course

no because of all your posts. HTH

Agree. Big babies.

You don't, but have started a thread about being sad they did and questioning their decision.

Very entitled. Why can't you just be happy for them, make the most of when you do connect and enjoy your own life.

No one is beholden.

Not bad parents but clearly the way they see their later life doesn't have you in it so I think I'd be quite upset if my parents did that (they would never, we live next door, see grandchildren every day). I would also never move away from them because I see them everyday and it would be like losing close friends as well as my parents which I wouldn't want to do! It's fair enough to be upset as they were obviously more important to you than you were to them. If my partners parents moved that far away I would assume they didn't want a regular relationship with their grandchildren and would expect them to travel to us if they wanted to see us as we would only make a trip like that about once a year.

My parents wanted to move somewhere they liked rather than where they ended up affording to buy and never felt fit - but stayed for siblings one needing childcare and other one who was always in trouble. I moved away post uni for work.

That decision made their last few years so much harder and impacted their health adversly - and made them bitter.

Also didn't them get any recipricol support when Dad was ill. I had to drop everything and head back recently when Mum had illness and couldn't cope - siblings lied and begudged any poetentail costs of "their money" - and the isolation of the village became very clear.

IL were working full time when we had kids and were clear no childcare - which was fine with us - but as life taken us further from them they've made massive efforts to visist and stay in kids lives. It's a huge contrast to my own parents who favoured sibling kids - one who they did full time childcare for couldn't even visit this last illness despite being 5 min down road.

There seems to be bitterness from sibling that same level of childcare can't be offered to younger child of sibling that eldest got. We got nothing and at one point when Dad was alive and ranting at me about selfishness that they'd never had my kids once not even in emergecy and them looking after sibling kids was nothing to do with me and hardly a favour I should be greatful for. There's no gratitude from sibling for what they got - which sadly I've seen before with family childcare with peers where it's become expected and the parents seem to forget what a help it actaully is.

Kids know we'll move when youngets through uni - because DH career needs one final job and that likely means moving to get. No idea where they'll be TBH - post uni but we'll have a roof to offer if needed and will travel to see them howvere hard that gets to be.

So your parents have spent two days a week looking after your kids since they were born and they now want some time for themselves and you use the word selfish for that - you have told us who you are.

Not my parents. My partners parents, since I returned to work.

You get two days free childcare and your DP sister steps in occaionally.

That's actually quite a lot - and frankly more than many of us get -we got nothing and it not that usual.

It does come across rather than being greatful you and your DP think your Mum should be offering the same not moving away and living her own life.

Your DP expecations are clearly being shaped by his parents behavior and it something I do see with many parents who got family help where the help becomes an expectation not something they were very lucky to get.

Try and focus on how lucky you are to have a least one set of supportive DGP - who are offering two days of free childcare - and not focus on what you haven't got ie even more free childcare.

My kids will likely move away as we did with our parents - and if not we'll be driven to move with work requirements anyway. Fact you have close by and willing involved grandparents is a huge postive for your kids.

Adult DC moving away, especially if only a few hours away, not seen as selfish. Parents moving away seen as selfish. When does that crossover happen?

OP’s DM was 48 when she moved, and is working in the new area.

Many other 48 year olds still have young DC not adult ones. If those 48 year olds move for work or lifestyle choices and only 4 hours away, would they be selfish. Is it only if those DC are adults they would be deemed selfish

OP - you say you would never move away from your children. How would you feel if they moved away from you?

I gave lots of help to my adult offspring with their children, but now they are older, some have moved hours away from me. It’s their lives to lead.

Ahh you only get 2 days a week and you want more.

Absolutely not. Not sure you have read my posts at all. Have I struck a nerve or something? Give it up.

Your partner's parents are likely finding it too much as they're older and not as much energy. Not selfish, just self preservation.

I will of course support whatever decision’s they make in life.

@Whatthefork1 would you or your partner think they were selfish if they moved away? Do you think it is different if they were a son or a daughter?

They absolutely love having our children and say that they give them a purpose. it is not my partners parents who have moved away, it is mine.

No I wouldn’t.

@Whatthefork1 what about your partner, as he is the one thinking your parents are selfish?