Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

As someone who is currently doing hours multiple times a week on the train ,I am cursing my mum's decision to move away. I knew when she went I would be up and down visiting her/ hospitals etc and here I am and it will only get worse in the long term.

@sittingonabeachIt’s really about not appreciating they will need help. Plenty of families with young dc do manage without parental input on a regular basis but many parents cannot cope without dc when they are very old or infirm. It’s clear there is a need to manage expectations from your busy dc if you
move away and dc moving away for work know they won’t get as much help. However with the elderly it can be relentless and many refuse to have people other than family care for them snd sometimes won’t pay either. So as an adult dc you worry like hell! Usually with good reason. You don’t worry about your own dc because they are younger and in good health. They almost certainly can manage. That’s the difference.

My parents didn't see after their parents - Mum visited Granny once a week and that was it. Dad had gone off to make his life elsewhere when his younger siblings became orphans - he dropped everything to care for his siblings.

The increasing needs and burden of the elderly is getting worse - most of my friends have mothers that are living (but not really living) into their 90s, they are not living a good life. I despair when I see the old people that live with my Mum in the care home. I despair when we make regular visits to MIL who is 90 and crippled - she really doesn't want to live any more.

I despair because I selfishly think of myself - I don't want my kids to have to look after me - that's so undignified. I don't want to live a life like that. I really hope the laws on assisted dying will allow me to chose before I get to the point my mother and MIL are at - modern medicine has a lot of misery to answer for - it has trapped us all.

I recently heard of people joking that were going to take up smoking in their 80s to hasten things along - it's not a bad idea.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner the DM was 48 when she moved. They may move back when they get older. They are working where they live. They have another DD living nearby

@sittingonabeach Well not old then! I think most people are more concerned about 10 years plus into retirement.

Id be gutted if my parents did that - especially at your age. My mum would never have done that. She loved being near the grandkids.

I wonder if your mum ever regrets moving. Did you ask her?

What I'm finding odd about this thread is that if those of us who are parents had an adult child who was offered an amazing opportunity four hours away, wouldn't we encourage them to take it? Or if they fell in love with an area four hours away, we'd encourage them to do what makes them happy and move there.

Why is it so different for parents? If they really want to live in a certain part of the country, shouldn't they do it and their adult children will be happy for them, just as their parents would be in the reverse situation?

DH and I are from scattered families so it's not a big deal to us. Physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance.

@BruFord Well you might be happy if they don’t require help! Young people rarely do. Older people end up needing family help and intervention. That’s why it’s different. Of course people can wave parents bye bye and wish them well, but then make it clear constant visits cannot happen if the worst happens.

But generally younger people do want help. Help with childcare, babysitting etc. parents having the children while they work, saves a fortune.

i am not understanding the obligation many posters seem to have with elderly care. You don’t have to care for your parents, if they live round the corner or four hours away. You don’t have to be driving to theirs twice a day.

i moved away, I still work full time and have children to care for. Even if she was local I would not have the time. So I have helped set her up to live as independently as possible- she’s bought a ground floor flat, got a walk in shower. I do her an online shop once a week and stock up with ready meals., I’ve set her up a taxi account. She has a cleaner. I don’t need to be there “helping” every day, she can buy in care I can’t provide. I go for big hospital appointments- but that is also because I am medical and we get a better result if I go to help understand.

i’ve only ever met one woman who expects her children to care for her. She refuses to sell her 1m+ 4 bed house as she needs the room for her children to move in and provide care. The house is deteriorating and will soon need complete refurb. I don’t even think she gets that the children will just be left with a massive IHT bill and possibly a care bill. I know the kids as well and no way they’re caring for anyone 😂

I just think the “well don’t expect care if you move” attitude is weird. At 48, or at any age, you’re a pretty selfish person to expect your child to care for you. Moving away isn’t selfish.

are we really all planning to care for our parents in old age? Regardless of where we live? Regardless of whether we need to work or have other responsibilities?

i reach retirement age in 18 years. My mum is 80. It is not possible for me to care for her and pay my bills, so where she lives is irrelevant.

I didn't need help but just reading these forums shows how much help young people seem to think they need with childcare from grandparents these days. Some young people seem to expect an awful lot, while my expectation was that my life and family were my own to manage.

OP, you say we know nothing about you and your DH, but we know what you have shared. Your DH even raising that he thinks your parents are selfish for having their own lives and making their own choices speaks volumes about him.

The OP’s mother was only 48 when she decided to relocate, 48!! I really thought the OP was going to say she was at least 65 or 70. I can’t believe anyone would expect their 48 year old mother to not relocate to somewhere she wants to live, what if she had been offered an excellent career move, would you have expected her to turn it down to stay near you?

@Usernamenotfound1 Similar situation with my elderly Dad. I provide a fair amount of support while living in a different country. Thanks to technology, it's much easier now to set up various types of support (meal deliveries, online orders, text his cleaner, etc.) and keep in touch with him daily.

Combine that with visits every few months and he's managing well.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner I really don't think that you need to live close by to help elderly parents and stay emotionally close to them. My Dad has told me that many of his friends are amazed that we speak daily, because many of their adult children, who live in the same country, have far less contact. I know exactly what's going on in his life (too much sometimes when he tells me about his bowel movements)!!

The thing is young people do, typically need more help when bringing up a family these days because most of the time both parents need to work to sustain a comfortable lifestyle, but then also the same is true for grandparents, they are having to work longer and older so therefore cannot provide as much help.

Back in the day everyone had a village and a lot of mums didn’t have to work. These days that is getting rarer and rarer. So life is much harder for young people bringing up a family in this day and age. It used to be very normal to spend a lot of time with grandparents and extended family.

We’ve had conversations yes. She doesn’t regret it and loves her new life, but she is very conscious of the fact that she misses on out things with the grandchildren and wishes that she was able to see us more often.

It may be normal in your circle for young people to receive this help but this is not universal.

I agree.

We moved for work so didn’t have any GPs on hand to help with childcare, had to use nursery etc like many families do.

That’s the thing though, I’m saying it isn’t normal anymore, even though technically we could do with more help because most of us all having to work now.

And I would never do this never.
My son wants to move to Australia. One of my other children would move to Australia.
I would never go while I’m leaving one behind.
It’s expected that the children will leave. The parents are meant to be the roots.

Of course you can be sad about it but no they haven’t done anything wrong.

I think it is very easy for you to say that you can’t imagine wanting to move away from your children when you are only in the first few years of parenting. Skip forward 20 years, maybe you have unrealised dreams or your area has gone downhill or you have a new partner with connections to a different area or whatever else life might throw at you, you may have a completely different perspective.

The idea that previous generations lived idyllic lives because they could manage on me salary and had help from local family whenever they need it is a myth.

The reason most women stayed home is because most employers wouldn’t employ them (many demanded resignations upon marriage, never mind children), women were counted as their husbands property and had very limited autonomy, little to no support from the DHs, and many grandparents rarely lived long enough to be around to help, even if they wanted to which most didn’t. Any help was limited and tended to be on the basis of parents and children visiting grandparents or fetching and carrying the GPs and cooking for them.

Life is different today but there are more options for women than previous generations. Don’t fall for the rose tinted version on how it used to be. It rarely was!

And I’m saying you are privileged to want your dps anywhere near your dc.

Wasn't normal for my mum who had six kids and her mother did not baby sit once. The other set of grandparents were dead.
Edited to add - my mum worked as a full time HCP - that made no difference to the help offered.
I didn't know anyone to have involved grandparents. Even my neighbours who'd have considered themselves a very close family never expected grandparents to look after their kids. Maybe you don't remember there was no such thing as the school run, kids walked to and from home alone/with their friends from a very early age and maybe you don't remember the term latch key kids - that was normal. Having very involved grandparents was not. Kids were left alone at a very early age - adults were not so involved as they are now. After school activity run didn't happen either - you had something after school and you walked home yourself - or if you were lucky you have a bike. Times have changed, someone posted on here last week whether it was ok to leave a 14 year old alone for a couple of hours - 40 years ago that would not have been a question. It's so easy to imagine the world was lovely with family always helping but it just wasn't like that.