Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

My IL are about 3.5 hours away and see the GC regularly - though childcare never been on offer.

My parents actually drive and are slightly closer - never saw the kids once we moved away unless we took them there and then they weren't that bothered.

If you are upset they don't make an effort to stay in kids lives- fair enough can understand that entirely. If your upset they moved away and you don't get yet more free childcare - well that says nothing good about you.

I read somewhere that how your parents act as grandparents is the parents they wanted to be. Mine are very hands off and like distant relatives and we’re clear they didn’t want to be grandparents or have any responsibility. When my DM retired she announced she was off to live in Italy as it was ‘her time now’ ! Interesting that they are back in the UK now asking us to be Power of Attorney.
Long story short, You can’t expect your parents to do what you want. They have their own life. You see who you want any to see and I’m sure you can make it work. Best to not expect too much !

At least they came back. Mine are still overseas where they retired and they are asking us to be POA from another country. It doesn't work.

@yayRain- I understand this. My Mum is now in a care home abroad and it’s really difficult

I don’t believe the bit about it reflecting the parents they wanted to be at all whatsoever. There are so many factors - location, age, health, attitude of kids etc. Ultimately grandparents are entitled to their own lives and not just be there for the convenience of their children (and there are multiple posts on here with people complaining about overbearing parents, there too much etc).

I guess he is comparing my parents to what his parents do and feels it is unfair on them to be the only ones able to provide any sort of help.

His parents make their own choices to provide whatever help they do. That doesn't obligate your parents to make the same choices. So he thinks your parents should live life according to what is best for his parents then? Not themselves. Every set of parents make their own choices. His parents are free to make different ones if they feel burdened.

We mustn’t forget that the DM moved when she was 48, there are some posters on MN who have just become parents round that age. In my circle of friends that is very much an age when you are still parenting non adult DC not becoming GP

@Whatthefork1 and if your in-laws were in full time work and unable to help, would they be selfish?

I'm going to guess the DH would then say it's extra selfish of OP's parents to move away since his parents aren't able to help.

Grow up OP

As someone who has been physically beaten up by my own ‘d’m, I am here to tell you that given your posts, you are indeed very privileged.

Of course they wouldn’t. I think you are really nitpicking here.

I've seen posts sometimes, not necessarily here, can't remember, where a parent has posted about how unfair it is their mother won't give up work to provide childcare, and that they don't really need the money. Never mind that their mother might find her work satisfying or find the money useful towards retirement or other goals.

You can do what we did and send the children to the grandparents for a week or so during school holidays. We used to meet them half way to drop them off.

Are your in-laws older than your parents? You said your mum was 48 when she moved (and you were 24). It sounds like she had you quite young so possibly she felt like she had lived out on life/ other dreams when she was younger. Moving at 48 is very different to having grandchildren in your 60s and deciding to stay put.

I completely agree with you and this post was never about saying my parents should have stayed close by so they could provide childcare. I have never assumed or expected help from anyone. When help is offered willingly then it is great. But that is where it ends.

Yes my in laws are 10 years older.

So he realises his parents are exhausted and wants yours to pick up the slack.

Says it all really, it's all about what they can do for you.

He isn't saying it's a shame they're missing out on time with the grandkids, he's saying he's missing out on more help. How charming!

Good point.

Seems women are expected to not have their own dreams, always be of service and never move.

How sad to expect that of someone you're meant to love.

Live your life on my terms or else.

I think it is selfish for adult dc to expect their parents to live their lives according to what they need and want. I have adult dc, one lives 5 hours away and although I miss them I never expected them to live around the corner to make me happy and nor do they expect me to move near them to make their lives easier. I want to live how I want while I can, enjoy my time. We visit each other and that is great.

@mumonthehill Wait until you cannot manage! The shit hits the fan then. Many dc feel responsible at that point and life becomes very hard if you add travelling on top and you are not prepared to move. It’s a nightmare.

Or maybe it is because he can’t ever imagine wanting to move that distance from our children and grandchildren. It isn’t about what people can do for you, it’s about questioning why someone would actively want to miss out on a close relationship. To me being able to care for my grandchildren when I am older will be the greatest privilege and I certainly wouldn’t want to miss out on the bond that would bring by moving myself away.

That's fair enough @Whatthefork1. But your DP needs to accept that people are different and choosing to move away isn't necessarily "wrong" or selfish, it's what's right for your Mum.

DH and I have already said that if we ever become grandparents, we hope to be far more involved than his parents are with our children, we feel that they haven't made much effort tbh. But that's their choice and the result is that they don't have a particularly close relationship with our young adult children.

Whereas my Dad, who lives in another country, is far closer to them! He makes a big effort with them, they send each other silly presents and talk on the phone.
Everyone's different.

What limited thinking then for him not to comprehend that people are different.

@Whatthefork1 "I guess he is comparing my parents to what his parents do and feels it is unfair on them to be the only ones able to provide any sort of help."

Again, he is thinking about himself not your parents.
All he wants is more help, otherwise why is he saying it's unfair on his parents.

Why even compare, people and relationships are different.

He sure does sound hard of thinking.