Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

@pollyglotFew elderly people decide they really want the care home though. Dc are always the first they look to. I do think it’s a shame if grandparents are not around - it’s not about childcare. It’s about teaching dc and developing a relationship that is more difficult if 4 hours away. My DM taught my dc so much. She knew things and they benefitted. I know there’s video calls etc but it’s not the same as being around for those important days!

No, it doesn't make them bad parents. Would it make you a bad daughter if you were the one who chose to move away? If not, then they get the same freedom, surely?

My parents chose to move to a place six hours away. It was fulfilling a lifelong dream to live where they now live. Good for them. Yes, it changes the relationship a bit, but there are so many different ways to stay in touch.

The downside is that now they are getting older and starting to realise what not having family nearby means for them. Meanwhile, they've had many happy years where they are. Parents are beholden to their children the rest of their lives.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · Today 00:41
Few elderly people decide they really want the care home though. Dc are always the first they look to. I do think it’s a shame if grandparents are not around - it’s not about childcare. It’s about teaching dc and developing a relationship that is more difficult if 4 hours away. My DM taught my dc so much. She knew things and they benefitted. I know there’s video calls etc but it’s not the same as being around for those important days!

My daughter and DH moved to Australia. I go to see them twice a year. Oh, and teaching? Well, every Sunday morning, my 8-year old GD and I have a video teaching session. She has been learning Japanese from me for a few months. Her fluency, accent and vocabulary are truly phenomenal. She has Chinese lessons at school, once a week, and in 2 years has not advanced much beyond 你好. Next year, we move on to French, and possibly Spanish. She and her little brother love to learn from Granny, about all sorts of things.

Your point is what, exactly?

That's lovely and a wonderful relationship with them. They'll always remember those times.

I'm going to switch this around. Would you be the selfish one if you moved 4 hours away? Or heavens above, went travelling or moved abroad? Now do you see how absurd your DP is??

I agree with this but dilemma aside - how lovely that you feel this way and have such a nice bond with your mum

Not bad parents, but yes they obviously don’t prioritise their kids in the same way other people do, or at least don’t value their company as much.

What on earth are you going on about??

Look I completely understand people living the lives they want to and no one is in a position to try and stop them. However will you not miss your children and potential, eventual grandchildren once you have moved abroad? Will you not at all feel like you’ll miss out on things?

I wouldn't personally make that choice but I do know some parents who have done it. I couldn't, but that doesn't make those that do choose to wrong for making different choices. There seems to be a fair amount of traveling for visits among those who live distant like that.

If my child moved to a different city, I wouldn't follow them though.

Not anymore selfish than it makes you for not moving with them?

How long are they meant to raise you?

Does your DP have a habit of talking badly about your parents?

I mean, they raised you after all and DP found you a good enough person to be with, so they can't be that bad since you don't think so?

My dad used to try to isolate my mother from her family by claiming 'bad parenting' when he, himself, wasn't an ideal parent and I've seen my MIL do this with my FIL, too

It's an abusive, controlling tactic. Might not apply here but that's what I thought due to my own experience so thought it might be something to consider, if relevant.

@SassyButClassy How can younger people with dc just move away with parents? What an odd attitude. Not everyone works remotely? Most people moving away are leaving friends behind but moving 1 hour is very different to 4 hours. Plenty of people retire and find cheaper housing not too far away. 4 hours is a long way.

I think it's odd to think that parents have to live in our back pocket for the entirety of our lives to appease a DP.

Well I moved 3000 miles away from mine, and they had moved 3000 miles away from theirs!
OP get a grip. It’s not that they wanted to move away from you, but rather move to a location that suited them that happened to be four hours away from you. I was very close to my parents but their physical location did not enter my mind when I was deciding where I wanted to live. Certainly not at 24 when I was stretching my wings and
everything was new and exciting. As it happened by the time I did have children they had retired and lived close by for half the year - I did see them more often but our relationship was very different. I was older, and my own person. My family was now my DH and children and I didn’t ‘need’ my parents as such.

There are other options to a care home - you can chose to have carers come to your home. Before my mother moved to a care home she had carers 4 times a day, and a person who prepared her meals everyday and did odd jobs for her and a cleaner who came in twice a week. Loads of help. Clean house and she was well fed. Some days she had 6 difference people attending to her. My friend did her mum’s caring and it nearly killed her - I would not expect that of my kids. We plan to pay for carers and leave our kids with the freedom to get on with their lives - they’ll have less inheritance of course but that’s just the way it goes - they’ll might get lucky $$$ if we die early.

Adult children who want to deny their parents the ability to fulfill their dreams and live their lives in a place and way that brings them happiness are the selfish ones.

I’m47 and my DH is 63. Our adult kids are 28,26,23 and 18. I have 4 grand babies.I also help out with my niblings so my sisters can work. My DH and I really really want to buy a narrow boat and just go off and travel the water ways ( initially just in the nw where we live so he can commute and we can still see the family regularly/have the grandkids while my DH winds down towards retirement). But every time we mention it our eldest who has three kids gets very uptight as she relies on us to “give her a break” or cover childcare medical appointments. It feels grossly unfair that I spent my younger years raising 4 children with minimal help and support, being told I had to get on with it and I’d get to live my life later etc only to now be stuck in a role where I do 8-20 hours childcare a week and an overnight every two weeks and it means our dreams are on hold. Realistically we have to do this within the next 12 months to be able to finance it before retirement with a loan for 3 years. I have said they could come to us for the weekend or we’re could come stay with them but all I get is a blank face and judgment. Ironically they talk about how when they are older and the kids have left home they can live their lives 😂🤷🏼‍♀️.

i love my kids and my grandkids but I kind of wish I’d cut the apron strings and moved away earlier as more I just have more and more connections and reasons keeping me here.

Your partner is a shit-stirrer. It's not an attractive quality.

Women are allowed to have their own lives without being labelled as bad parents. Ridiculous.

Yes very selfish of them to spend 20 years devoting their lives to you and follow their own dream when you are grown up, settled and happy. How dare they not be waiting on your doorstep ready to offer endless childcare. It’s almost like they think they have lives of their own or something.

Pretty much this.
OP's partner was hoping childcare would fall on OP and her DM.
What a tool.

have only read the OP. They are adults and can live where they like. Ask youself how much input you would get from them if your and DH were offered the IDEAL job somewhere far away?

you are coming across as a petulant child though. Adults are free to make the decisions they want to over their own lives. The rest of us may not like it, but that is how adulting works.

We live in a different country to the rest of our family. As my family did when i was growing up. And i still had/have a wonderful relationship with my wider family, especially grandparents when they were alive, and cousins now the older generations are no longer here. My (now adult) children also have great relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Of course the frequency of visits is restricted, but come on, there are video calls, telephones and eventually your mum might offer to have your DCs for a week or so in school holidays.

You have to work at relationships, even filial ones, but that doesn't make them bad relationships.

just do it...

I think it's probably a pattern, everyone in their lives exists for the OP and her Dp's benefit - get what you can out of people regardless of their wants and needs - it's all about you and then when they say it's not that's them being selfish and shit parents! It's like they've never understood that their parents are people too with their own lives - they see their parents as their support animals. I hope I haven't brought my kids up to be like this - family should be supportive of each other dreams - not a slave to them.
I lived 6 hours away from my mum - she supported me over the phone, we chatted frequently - in fact she was better over the phone than real life.

This is very sad - you sound so trapped and at the beck and call of your eldest. It's ok for like not to be all about serving you kids - it's ok to say no and it's ok to prioritise your own needs and desires for a change.