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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

393 replies

Whatthefork1 · 11/04/2026 19:52

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

OP posts:
TwinTeensMum · 12/04/2026 19:34

Cantsleepdontsleep · 12/04/2026 19:29

My in laws did this - I found it odd at the time as all thier children were very closely located with grandchildren on the horizon. Fast forward 15 years and they are very isolated. Don’t drive etc. They don't want to move from the area as they have friends etc but those friends are dying off and their social circles are getting smaller. We try and go and see them but lives are very busy. I compare them to my parents who moved a 10minute walk away and who we see almost every day (often very briefly!) and are on hand to help out (either way!). They will be supported far longer into their older age and grandchildren are also able to help with them now as walking distance.

So no, I don’t think the inlaws were selfish, but I do think they were very shortsighted.

Exactly!

pollyglot · 12/04/2026 19:35

How old were they when they moved south, OP?

TwinTeensMum · 12/04/2026 19:42

sittingonabeach · 12/04/2026 19:33

@TwinTeensMum did you move away from in-laws first?

no - they moved.

Ally886 · 12/04/2026 19:42

All of my friends live 90 minutes or more from parents so living close by is alien to me.

We do have a couple of family members who have stayed local and have not flourished in life and somehow despise the parents they live near to

TwinTeensMum · 12/04/2026 19:45

sittingonabeach · 12/04/2026 19:33

@TwinTeensMum did you move away from in-laws first?

No - we have lived at the same address long before & after both our parents decided to move

sittingonabeach · 12/04/2026 19:51

@pollyglot the mum was 48

diddl · 12/04/2026 20:00

What prompted them to move?

MilleniumMouse · 12/04/2026 20:00

My parents moved a 4 hour flight away from me when I was 17 Grin now that was selfish!

I feel for you though, OP. It's not something I would choose to do to my kids.

Studyunder · 12/04/2026 20:33

YABU.
Also, you still see them every 6-8 weeks. You’re incredibly fortunate and the world does not revolve around you.

AgnesMcDoo · 12/04/2026 20:41

OnGoldenPond · 12/04/2026 18:32

Will your DC have right of residency in that country and will you be willing to fund their travel costs to support you with the inevitable declining health issues that will come with advancing age? Will you be able to fund carers to take care of all your support needs as you age?

If not, be aware you are setting your DC up for a whole world of stress and heartache trying to cope with the impossible task of supporting you with serious ill health from another country. Do you want to do that?

Show quote history

We will be retaining a property in the UK and will move back when we get doddery.

thanks for your care and concern 🤣

Rhaidimiddim · 12/04/2026 20:45

DP has "main character" syndrome. Watch yourself.

user555999000 · 12/04/2026 20:50

AgnesMcDoo · 12/04/2026 20:41

We will be retaining a property in the UK and will move back when we get doddery.

thanks for your care and concern 🤣

Show quote history

My point proven. “We will move back when we get doddery” aka when we need our kids to care for us.

AgnesMcDoo · 12/04/2026 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 12/04/2026 21:29

@Usernamenotfound1 There are lots of assumptions in your thread. You dh worked part time and mil lived with you. So you had money and space. She wasn’t a 4 hour drive away! You were not both working full time because you needed the money. Many others do need the money and have dc to think about and even their own grandchildren.

Of course dc choose to look after parents but how when they are 4 hours drive away? It’s simply not possible so any older person moving so far away really must consider their future needs and if they want input from dc. If they have the funds to fund a nursing home at £6,000 plus pp per month, great. Many don’t though. State care and help is minimal if you have money so why be deliberately a long way from family? 90 mins is doable if shared between siblings. 4 hours is a killer!

user555999000 · 12/04/2026 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Eeesh good luck to your children when you are elderly if this is your level of reasoned debate at the age you are now.

user555999000 · 12/04/2026 21:33

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 12/04/2026 21:29

@Usernamenotfound1 There are lots of assumptions in your thread. You dh worked part time and mil lived with you. So you had money and space. She wasn’t a 4 hour drive away! You were not both working full time because you needed the money. Many others do need the money and have dc to think about and even their own grandchildren.

Of course dc choose to look after parents but how when they are 4 hours drive away? It’s simply not possible so any older person moving so far away really must consider their future needs and if they want input from dc. If they have the funds to fund a nursing home at £6,000 plus pp per month, great. Many don’t though. State care and help is minimal if you have money so why be deliberately a long way from family? 90 mins is doable if shared between siblings. 4 hours is a killer!

Agree with this

BeRedHam · 12/04/2026 21:37

A friend's parents moved 5 hour's drive away. It was very difficult when they became frail, to care for them, take then to hospital etc. They had good relationships but at a distance and the parents did eventually regret their decision. They have both died since.

AgnesMcDoo · 12/04/2026 21:48

user555999000 · 12/04/2026 21:33

Eeesh good luck to your children when you are elderly if this is your level of reasoned debate at the age you are now.

Show quote history

Clearly you are 🤣🤣🤣

OakElmAsh · 12/04/2026 22:00

Doesn't the mums age put a different spin on things though? At 48 she could hope to be at least 25 years away from loosing independence... I can't fathom expecting a 48 year old not to live where they wanted to live because of potential future grandchildren (who didn't exist at the time of moving) or because of a fear of needing help in 25 years time. It seems like OP and her parents have managed to maintain a decent relationship and mum is not making unreasonable travel demands on OP that she isn't willing to do. The whole situation seems entirely reasonable & sensible

sunshinestar1986 · 12/04/2026 22:10

Whatthefork1 · 11/04/2026 19:52

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

You could've moved near them

OnGoldenPond · 12/04/2026 22:28

AgnesMcDoo · 12/04/2026 20:41

We will be retaining a property in the UK and will move back when we get doddery.

thanks for your care and concern 🤣

Show quote history

Glad to hear it, that is a good plan. Not a route open to my DM, she didn’t have those kind of resources.

Also glad my situation has given you a good laugh. Not so funny for me, I’m living it.

Kerensa70 · 12/04/2026 22:41

It’s tough, and it sounds like you miss her. When you have little children it’s hard to ever imagine living apart from them. However the gift we can give them is the confidence to get out into the world. Both mine have but we are still all very close. Having said that! My first grandchild is due this summer and it will be tough maybe having her live abroad. She’ll be brought up near her maternal grandparents who are lovely but I will miss out a lot I’m sure.

pollyglot · 12/04/2026 22:48

user555999000 · Today 20:50
AgnesMcDoo · Today 20:41
We will be retaining a property in the UK and will move back when we get doddery.

user555999000 · Today 20:50
My point proven. “We will move back when we get doddery” aka when we need our kids to care for us.

So let me get this clear, user555999000, and perhaps OP...you resent parents moving a mere 4 hours away at the tender age of 48, with a new love and a new life?

Your mum doesn't deserve happiness at this stage of her life?

To resent looking after her in her old age? I bet she still does a lot for you and will continue to do so.

The solution of course, is for them to ensure that they use their own resources to look after themselves. "when they are doddery". Don't expect any inheritance is the quid pro quo of such inflexible thinking.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 13/04/2026 00:00

Always surprised by the Entitled Attirude some if MN's postershave towards patents eho move away.

They serm to think that there is some of God given unwritten right for grand parents o provide free child care.

Gbet they are filming it and l
posting on web site somewhere probably really exaggesrting the noise they making.
Yiu know as a performabce or competetion .

They may also ve be showing it to their friends as well.Oh look as us we are so sexually sophisticed

Yojr son has no respect for you and familly whatsover snd neither does his girl friend. He thinks now that he has come of age. He is the man if th house.
And wanta to show off his masculity and virility

l would not let the girlfriend back in the house ar all.
Never mind let her stay over

Tell her that if she wants to stay overnight with him she needs to invite to her home.

What a pair of real piss takers.

it News for you .Well there isnt.

If you cant afford Chikdcare. Wotk less hours. Or dont have Children until you can afford to pay for them.

Sorry. But that's life Folks

Zoec1975 · 13/04/2026 00:17

Whatthefork1 · 11/04/2026 19:52

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

I do understand how you feel.My mum is only 15 min drive but never bothers,never has done even when the kids were little,absolutely nothing.you are very lucky to have such a great Mum.