Sadness over no grandchildren

[AmateurOwls]

First time poster so hope I make sense!
I have two adult daughters. One has never wanted children, but the other has always said she'd like them. Recently we were chatting and she said her and her partner have now decided against them. I kept it together while she was there but afterwards, the only way I can describe it, is it felt like a bereavement. I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to being a grandma. I have a husband, friends, nice holidays etc but life feels pointless. My nephews aren't having children either so the family has just stopped. I see my friends with their grandchildren and the fun they have and my heart breaks. I'm on my own this evening and started crying while I was watching Call the Midwife. Please has anyone else felt like this and how do you cope with it?

The OP's chain has very likely not been broken. If she doesn't have siblings who had children and grandchildren, she will have or cousins who do - or her grandparents will have cousins and so on who had children etc etc etc.... So the 'chain' has carried on there.... As I said, my 2 DC are probably not going to have children, but my brother has 2 DC, and his eldest has 2 DC.

you used up all that energy, resources and effort for your family line to just die out.

She must never EVER say this to her daughter. 'I spent soooo much time and effort and money having you, and raising you, and supporting you to adulthood. You MUST have babies to 'carry on the chain!'

My DC have friends (between 27 and 35) who have mothers who have nagged for YEARS for them to have a baby. 'Oh you must, you can't remain childless that's awful, you will regret it!!!' Two of my DD's friends got married 7-8 years ago, and never wanted children. Their DH didn't either- apparently...

They eventually had a baby because of bullying and nagging from her mum (and his for some of the time,) and they both had a baby 1-2 years ago, and they deeply resent it now. The father of the baby(s) and the mothers/MILs who nagged them, hardly help them, and are often too busy.... These 2 women have sacrificed so much to have these babies, (babies they didn't really want, and felt bullied into having,) and they deeply resent them now. I don't know how it's going to pan out, but it's not good. One woman's MIL is nagging for her to have a second child, and she's like 'no way.;

@Sskka thats given me food for thought because you are right the anti having kids group are very vocal,particularly on sm. My DDs think its irresponsible/immoral to have DC on climate change grounds but actually i think you could equally argue the other way. Children are everyones future,the doctors, the shop workers the builders, the taxpayers of the future. Having an aging population is not good for society.
I think it will swing back round again but now in young people there is a trend not to want DC.
As a mother of DDs this does concern me as they have a biogical timeframe to have DC that my DS doesnt.
So I wouldnt want them to regret it or leave it too late.
But obviously it has to be their choice.
Also for a lot of women I do think a hormones kick in and there is a strong biological urge to have a baby. I defintely got broody.
I hope i become a GP and would be disappointed not to be.

It’s not her business though nor does she have any right to influence the decision and thankfully OP has the good sense to see that. There’s nothing wrong with sharing opinions or experiences but you seem to be suggestion that she go one step further and actively intervene.

Horrible comment. Have some compassion ffs!

I felt massive guilt when I couldn't give my parents grandchildren after years of IVF treatment with my husband.

My parents (and PIL) are all supportive no matter the outcome. It was my mum's words that gave me peace and closure on my IVF chapter (we have embryos left but won't be progressing with them). She said, "Take care of yourself and as long as you are happy and healthy, that is enough for her (and dad)."

Oh FO! This is just nonsense. Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but so are the rest of us. Therefore, it doesn't automatically follow that your view is the only correct one!

Some people who love having children are quite incapable of empathy with those who are made for a different path. It can be a bit irritating (and I think counterproductive to their cause in some cases).

How old are your DD’s? I was adamant that I wasn’t having any DC until I was approaching 40 and my Doctor pointed out at a routine contraception appointment that I didn’t have much time left if I wanted DC. Then I completely changed my mind and now I have two DC. I wish I’d had a third but I’m too old now. Unless your DD’s are in their 40’s there is still time for a change of mind or a surprise baby.

I found that post actually quite funny. Farcical to the extreme. 'It's up to us mommies to tell the silly child-free women how much more fulfilled and HAPPY they will be if they have a baby. Life is incomplete without children. YOU MUST HAVE CHILDREN!!!!!!!'

I mean, really?! 😂

Nothing wrong with having children, but not if you DO NOT WANT THEM!!!!!!!!

.

Yep, this. ^ It's pretty arrogant and narrow minded though, to assume that everyone should do what they do.

By the same token it is a bad idea to hope for an unwanted pregnancy.

I had this discussion with a family member recently. We were talking about mine and DH’s plans to sell the family home and downsize once both dc have finished uni.

Her immediate response was “But what about when you have grandkids? Won’t you want to have them all to stay at Christmas and Easter?”.

I replied “But what if there are no grandkids? What’s the point in holding on to a house that will no longer work for us?”

I stopped myself from saying that even if there are grandkids in the future, I am
likely be in my 70s when they are born. So in my 80s when they are at primary school. I doubt I will want to host big family gatherings. I’ll pay for them to stay in nearby hotels/ Airbnbs.

With the declining birth rate, we would all be wise to assume that our dc may not go on to have their own.

I don't usually tell peope to f off but seriously have a word with yourself!

Saying people without children have an incomplete view and need help to see what we're missing is a bloody insult to every man and woman without children. Who have, for whatever reason not had children.

I could have brought children into a home where it was common to be hit or shouted at, to be bullied, to be made to feel inadequate. But I chose not to because no child deserves to witness that. I decided that I would not have children with a man who thought nothing of spitting in my face or giving me a slap when I said something he didn't like. No doubt he would have done the same to a child. It was the one thing I could control.

By the time I left and sorted my life out I was too old.

But thanks for telling me I don't have a clue and need lecturing.

She must never EVER say this to her daughter. 'I spent soooo much time and effort and money having you, and raising you, and supporting you to adulthood. You MUST have babies to 'carry on the chain!'

And I never suggested that she do so. Just that reproduction is a primal urge, and that from a biological viewpoint a family line ending is a 'waste' of op's resources. Therefore it is understandable that she feels a deep sadness/anguish.

Just because we have these drives (hunger, reproduction etc.) doesn't mean that they have to dictate our behaviour or how we treat others. Op seems to be sensibly accepting her dd's decision.

I have one grandson, 3, and my son’s wife is expecting again, after ivf , having had cancer years ago, very unpleasant for them.
They live in the Cotswolds, I have mid stage Parkinson’s, and hardly see them , as I had to give up driving due eye issues, strength and perception issues.
Travelling is tough , that’s life, I live alone not by choice, the way things have worked out
i’m not the granny I hoped to be.
Lots like me struggle I’m one of so many , and mums who can’t have kids for whatever reasons

Ahh

I agree with every word of this….. enjoy the people you already have in your life and count your blessings …

It’s not quite the same but if you look around there will be other children you can help with. Neighbours? I was absolutely desperate for a mature dependable babysitter when my kids were little as we never lived close to grandparents.

No. Because I haven’t said that their lives are horrific. I’ve said that they love being parents & I’m happy for them - even if I’d personally be horrified at the idea of having kids myself.

And when friends & family tell me they’re having kids, I’m delighted for them & crochet blankets for their babies.

That’s the difference.

It's not self-indulgent - it's just nature.

I have two daughters and for the oldest I will actually be relieved for her if she decides not to have children because of various health issues. The youngest wants a baby but is autistic and seems to not understand male female rules of attraction so it’s not clear how she will. I’m actually just happy that they have careers and are healthy tbh. I don’t need to pressure them re babies to satisfy my wants.

Wth. As a parent I have an incomplete picture of what life could have been like without children 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m so sorry, I can completely understand this.

1. How old are they? They might change their minds or have an accident’
2. I’d be tempted to consider investigating getting a little job as an after-school nanny. Pick up some little ones from school, take them home and do tea, homework, play, bath, stories etc until the parents get home from work?

Both my DS's said they never wanted children. I got 2 from the eldest (married) 35 yrs old. The youngest 23 is slightly more difficult because he's gay, but I'm still waiting.